Dating again... and signing up for therapy.

[incognitoMe]

I've been trying to date and move on, and not let myself wallow too much in the pain from my ex with BPD (and probably NPD).  I did so much crying during the relationship that I had less tears for the end.  I was dating casually, while being upfront I was still shell-shocked and just looking for distraction, but now I've met a person with potential. I'm still working to be emotionally available.  Its not easy.

She just divorced a man with NPD and so we connected over that.  She seems to be self aware and an empath, much like myself. Perhaps that's why we both were selected by our respective exes.  She had a couple kids with the NPD ex and so she is stuck with dealing with him for life as a co-parent. It seems she has done a lot of work on herself to accept that reality. She introduced me to the Grey Rock concept, of trying to be boring (like a grey rock) in interactions with narcissists to avoid them taking interest in sucking you into their drama.   

I also signed up for counseling yesterday because the insurance from my new job kicked in.  I'm hoping to use it to help process my past, and move forward mindfully.   
   

[gotbushels]

incognitoMe   

Yes. It's sometimes not easy being emotionally available.

Good for you that you've met someone you seem to relate to personally. Yes, it's thought that people with NPD and BPD are drawn to people who are quick to relate to others.

I like the 'grey rock' idea that she shared with you. It makes sense because people don't take an interest with people that bore them. I think that's true for all people, even BP's—even for us. Do you feel you need to have special tests to defend yourself against the involvement of unhealthy others?

I hope your counselling goes well. I think its supportive value as a self-nurturing tool can be right up there with a massage.

[once removed]

She just divorced a man with NPD and so we connected over that.

just a bit of caution...

its very important to fully grieve these relationships. when we dont, we carry the baggage into the next one.

connecting over exes can be very alluring at first. it can be familiar, and passionate, and intense, and it can feel healing.

then two things happen.

1. the relationship can have difficulty standing on its own, once the connection over the wounds and the past begins to dwindle.
2. the old baggage begins to rear its head. the relationship, now past the honeymoon phase, cant survive the conflict.

for a lot of us, this is actually how we found the relationship that led us here; two wounded people coming together at a low point, and trying to heal.

i would build the foundation of your relationship on other things. process the past in counseling 

[incognitoMe]

incognitoMe   

Do you feel you need to have special tests to defend yourself against the involvement of unhealthy others?

I don't have any specific tests, no.  I am very concerned if I see certain red flags in a way I wasn't before.  The appearance of love bombing for instance, or people with poor relationships with their family and friends.  A person may make big romantic gestures because they are legitimately interested, or their family may be difficult.  Either way, it makes me less trustful.

[once removed]

I am very concerned if I see certain red flags in a way I wasn't before

its good to go into the dating world with fresh, open eyes.

a member here once said something that really stuck with me: we dont become good fruit pickers by learning to spot bad fruit.

if we are solid on what we are looking for, we will naturally screen the rest out.

what are you looking for in a relationship? in a person? what are you bringing to the table?

[gotbushels]

incognitoMe  

I went back into dating with my own notions regarding these.

its very important to fully grieve these relationships. when we dont, we carry the baggage into the next one.

what are you looking for in a relationship? in a person? what are you bringing to the table?

I'm looking forward to your ideas.

[incognitoMe]

what are you looking for in a relationship? in a person? what are you bringing to the table?

I'm a guy with a PhD, a good job, active lifestyle, good physical health and an a nurturing nature.  I'm looking for a woman who is kind, and intellectually curious, and has her life in fairly good order.   I don't want to try to save anybody anymore.  I want a relationship where we are both comfortable being ourselves, and feel mutually supported, and have a good romantic connection. The woman I'm dating seems to fit these things so far.  She is kind, empathetic, into mindfulness, is optimistic, and is a medical doctor. She also runs half-marathons, and eats healthy, so the lifestyle fit is good in that regard.  We also fit in our worldview etc...  We shall see! It's a big contrast with my ex.

[incognitoMe]

incognitoMe  

I went back into dating with my own notions regarding these. 

I'm looking forward to your ideas.

I've been thinking a lot about bringing baggage into the next relationship.  Both of use have talked about how there is some inevitable baggage because she still needs to interact with her NPD Ex for the kids, and I am fairly fresh from a breakup with a BPD ex.  We related it a line in a song from the musical Rent: "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine." Both our baggage is related to dealing with hyper-critical, and controlling gas-lighters.  Both of us are also in therapy to deal with it, so there seems to be a mutual seriousness about dealing with our internal issues.

[Turkish]

As my T said, "everyone has wounds." That being said, trauma bonding may not be healthy. Be aware of yourself.