Using religion as a weapon

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have posted here previously that my ubpdh has a complicated relationships with his faith. He does a lot of magical thinking, for instance; when things don’t work out the way he wants them to, he curses his G-d, and says “I hate you, I am not $&) anymore, Roy in hell” and something along those lines. He disowns his faith, once things improve, he doesn’t mention the episode. Whenever he feels rejected or abandoned, as he currently does by my parents saying that they want to leave, he also starts attending. When he starts to attend service, his behaviour of dysregulation increases substantially. Somehow, the faith gives him permission to persecute me and rinse his sins regularly on Sunday. He recently started hinting on wanting me to attend with him. When I confronted him with a direct question, he admitted on his desire for me to accompany him. I am not sure if it is a social desire, a wish to convert me, or something that only he knows. As a person who is leaning more towards scientific community I consider myself agnostic. I was not exposed to religion growing up, as an adult I find my peace within mindfulness and meditation. Since he asked me, I obliged his wishes and came along. Which made things worse, and this is the part I am confused about. He became angrier, split me black and left the bedroom. This “leaving the family bed” has been an ongoing theme since we have moved. Logically, he got everything he wanted, so be happy. Nope, he is even more depressed and irritated. His business took nose dive, crypto suffered the losses, he doesn’t want to invest himself in his other business or modify it in any way. Suddenly, his entitlement grew. He won’t move a finger for less then xyz amount, since he is used to making this much. His inflexible thinking distorts the reality and he can’t roll with the punches.
My distorted thinking, when I had to adapt to make sure that my abuser is happy, is slowly shifting. I’m not massaging his feet or begging and crying. I don’t think that the worst thing that can happen is for him to leave. In fact, maybe if he leaves he will go easier on me. Then again, with his npd it is unlikely.
Any of your fellow members who had dealt with the entanglement with the religion? WhAt is the safest approach to this distorted thinking? Do I address it? So I flat out refuse to partake? I don’t care to sacrifice 3 hrs of my Sunday to stand at his place of worship and meditate through breathing, if it means of keeping peace. What I am concerned with, that this fanatic wave is like a crusade of him wanting blood, metaphorically.

[snowglobe]

I have posted here previously that my ubpdh has a complicated relationships with his faith. He does a lot of magical thinking, for instance; when things don’t work out the way he wants them to, he curses his G-d, and says “I hate you, I am not $&) anymore, Roy in hell” and something along those lines. He disowns his faith, once things improve, he doesn’t mention the episode. Whenever he feels rejected or abandoned, as he currently does by my parents saying that they want to leave, he also starts attending. When he starts to attend service, his behaviour of dysregulation increases substantially. Somehow, the faith gives him permission to persecute me and rinse his sins regularly on Sunday. He recently started hinting on wanting me to attend with him. When I confronted him with a direct question, he admitted on his desire for me to accompany him. I am not sure if it is a social desire, a wish to convert me, or something that only he knows. As a person who is leaning more towards scientific community I consider myself agnostic. I was not exposed to religion growing up, as an adult I find my peace within mindfulness and meditation. Since he asked me, I obliged his wishes and came along. Which made things worse, and this is the part I am confused about. He became angrier, split me black and left the bedroom. This “leaving the family bed” has been an ongoing theme since we have moved. Logically, he got everything he wanted, so be happy. Nope, he is even more depressed and irritated. His business took nose dive, crypto suffered the losses, he doesn’t want to invest himself in his other business or modify it in any way. Suddenly, his entitlement grew. He won’t move a finger for less then xyz amount, since he is used to making this much. His inflexible thinking distorts the reality and he can’t roll with the punches.
My distorted thinking, when I had to adapt to make sure that my abuser is happy, is slowly shifting. I’m not massaging his feet or begging and crying. I don’t think that the worst thing that can happen is for him to leave. In fact, maybe if he leaves he will go easier on me. Then again, with his npd it is unlikely.
Any of your fellow members who had dealt with the entanglement with the religion? WhAt is the safest approach to this distorted thinking? Do I address it? So I flat out refuse to partake? I don’t care to sacrifice 3 hrs of my Sunday to stand at his place of worship and meditate through breathing, if it means of keeping peace. What I am concerned with, that this fanatic wave is like a crusade of him wanting blood, metaphorically.

[Notwendy]

People who have distorted thinking and distorted relationships will also probably have distorted thinking about religion. I think one only has to look at the news to see examples of how people can distort religions to justify their own twisted thinking.

You can't control how anyone thinks, and if he wants to attend church, it's really not your issue- it's his. Like anything else, your job is to keep yourself safe. If your neighbor attends a church, it's not your issue. If your neighbor is twisted and thinks their god wants them to harm you, this is not different from anyone else wanting to harm you- keep yourself safe.

His motive isn't clear and it's not possible to know what he's thinking. Your job is to be authentic. I think it's great that you are not doing things to soothe him like massaging his feet. Still, if he needs a way to soothe himself, going to church isn't really a bad thing. Your main job is to protect yourself from harmful behavior.

If you truly don't want to attend church, then don't- because you would only be doing it to appease him. If he became seriously active in his church and sincerely wanted you to accompany him, you could decide on what you are willing to do. Maybe you are willing to go once a month, or on holidays but it doesn't look like his attendance is consistent. You don't have to believe in anything to accompany someone but you need to be sincere about what you are willing to do.

This all comes down to boundaries. You are two different people. His beliefs are his, yours are yours. Nurture yours and let his be between him and his religion. If a behavior is harmful to you, then deal with it as that, no matter where he gets the idea from.

Focus on the actions, not the "beliefs". You have no control over beliefs. They are his. Likewise, yours are yours.

[snowglobe]

Wendy,
I understand your guidance to only focus on my reaction and belief. Which is fine. I don’t parade around letting people know that once their consciousness completely ceases to exist they are no more. I understand that those are my relationships with the after life. When the religion becomes a separate entity and takes a life of its own, there is a triangulation which I want to avoid. Places of worships, regardless if it’s a Temple, Church or Mosque are amazing places. People can find a sense of solace and/or belonging and at least temporary relief from their suffering. I have an immerse respect for a place of spirituality in one’s life. My unpdh is suffering, it’s a fact. On the first night he left the family bed I heard him scream, he was having a nightmare. I registered it. I’m deeply compassionate and empathetic person to a fault. I wish I could help him effectively. I don’t have any tools or medication to do that. I do believe it’s more then just bpd. Perhaps he is both, bipolar and bpd. I say that due to his mood elevations and depressions.
Wendy, or anyone else here, is there a way to get them into therapy? I can’t live this way for the rest of my life. I can’t have him swing like a pendulum. It’s unpredictable and frightening. With kids growing up, when I think of them leaving us, I am not willing to do this, although I do love and care about him. I would imagine that ultimatums don’t work, especially with npd. Then what?

[Notwendy]

On the note of your beliefs and your self identity- you have posted before about identifying with your religion- Judaism. If you have lost interest, that is one thing, but if you are moving away from this identity as a reaction to your H, or to keep the peace, or because of antisemitic remarks he has made- then you are giving up a part of who you are to hopefully appease him.

You are you, and he is who he is, but with continued focus on his actions, his beliefs and how to manage them, you are not looking at who you are. When this kind of co-dependency exists in time, people can lose sight of who they are. They think they are whatever someone else defines them to be. If they don't know who they are, then they focus on the other person as their identity. My H doesn't like my religion, so I won't be what he doesn't like.

It's not uncommon for someone in this type of relationship to not know who they are. Do you know what you like to eat, or do you eat what he likes to eat? Do you dress according to how you like or how he likes it?

I mention this because you have made numerous posts about identifying as Jewish, and your own references to God and now, all of a sudden, you are a scientific agnostic. Less than a week ago you were upset about his not respecting that it is was a holiday.

That's a quick and drastic change. You've changed your behavior to suit your H, you've had plastic surgery to please your H. You've sold your house and bought one you don't even want to please your H. Now, are you giving up a core of who you are too?

Did you know can still identify with Judaism and align with scientific principles? How many scientists in history are also Jewish? Jonas Salk, Einstein- to name a few. There have also been scientists and great thinkers who were other religions. One doesn't have to give up their core identity to be a scientist.

Your feelings about being agnostic are not unacceptable in Judaism. How much do you know about your cultural background to be certain you don't align with it- when less than a week ago you did?

Snowglobe, you posted your concerns about your H being involved in your religion. One suggestion about why this may bother you has been that you have not felt you could explore yours. I find it hard to believe you are so willing to give this up when you have posted that it is meaningful to you. Once again- take the focus off your H and on to you. You can be who you are.

[Notwendy]

Your whole focus is on fixing your H.

You can't "fix" him. You can't force him into therapy. You can't change if he goes to church and then goes on a rampant crusade or has nightmares, or sleeps in another bed. He's a grown man.

I don't know how we can get this idea through to you? He's your sole and total focus. When all your focus is on him- where are you? This is enmeshment. You are basically him, as all your thoughts are about him.

This isn't a path to improvement for either of you.

The key to changing anything is to focus on you. What if your complete and total focus on him is compounding the problems?

[snowglobe]

On the note of your beliefs and your self identity- you have posted before about identifying with your religion- Judaism. If you have lost interest, that is one thing, but if you are moving away from this identity as a reaction to your H, or to keep the peace, or because of antisemitic remarks he has made- then you are giving up a part of who you are to hopefully appease him.

You are you, and he is who he is, but with continued focus on his actions, his beliefs and how to manage them, you are not looking at who you are. When this kind of co-dependency exists in time, people can lose sight of who they are. They think they are whatever someone else defines them to be. If they don't know who they are, then they focus on the other person as their identity. My H doesn't like my religion, so I won't be what he doesn't like.

It's not uncommon for someone in this type of relationship to not know who they are. Do you know what you like to eat, or do you eat what he likes to eat? Do you dress according to how you like or how he likes it?

I mention this because you have made numerous posts about identifying as Jewish, and your own references to God and now, all of a sudden, you are a scientific agnostic. Less than a week ago you were upset about his not respecting that it is was a holiday.

That's a quick and drastic change. You've changed your behavior to suit your H, you've had plastic surgery to please your H. You've sold your house and bought one you don't even want to please your H. Now, are you giving up a core of who you are too?

Did you know can still identify with Judaism and align with scientific principles? How many scientists in history are also Jewish? Jonas Salk, Einstein- to name a few. There have also been scientists and great thinkers who were other religions. One doesn't have to give up their core identity to be a scientist.

Your feelings about being agnostic are not unacceptable in Judaism. How much do you know about your cultural background to be certain you don't align with it- when less than a week ago you did?

Snowglobe, you posted your concerns about your H being involved in your religion. One suggestion about why this may bother you has been that you have not felt you could explore yours. I find it hard to believe you are so willing to give this up when you have posted that it is meaningful to you. Once again- take the focus off your H and on to you. You can be who you are.

Wendy,
I think that nuances were lost in translation and let me explain how I see it. I wrote here that I identify with being Jewish. Where I was born and grew up, after the WW2 there was a paragraph in the passport that stated your ethnic background. Mine and my family’s was Jewish. Religion was forbidden and persecuted. I grew up knowing who I was, in the same manner people know their eye colour. I never explored or researched religion beyond basic holidays and I have only vague understanding of it. Throughout my academic career, I took many courses, some of them included religious motifs. When I am doing souls searching regarding the religion, I am oriented towards believing there is something there, but I am not sure what exactly. I’m not sure if I’m making myself clear... being Jewish for me, is an ethnicity one is born with, even if you don’t practice faith...

[babyducks]

Your whole focus is on fixing your H.

You can't "fix" him.

I don't know how we can get this idea through to you?

You are basically him, as all your thoughts are about him.

This isn't a path to improvement for either of you.

You have almost 1000 posts here. I have read most of them.

When are you going to let go of your denial and your addiction to him?

When are you going to accept responsibility for your own life?

When are you going to accept the reality of his life?

For most of those 1000 posts people have told you the same things.     Address your own issues.   Focus on yourself.    Stop trying to fix him.  Are you ever going to listen and act on what you read?

[snowglobe]

You have almost 1000 posts here. I have read most of them.

When are you going to let go of your denial and your addiction to him?

When are you going to accept responsibility for your own life?

When are you going to accept the reality of his life?

For most of those 1000 posts people have told you the same things.     Address your own issues.   Focus on yourself.    Stop trying to fix him.  Are you ever going to listen and act on what you read?

Ducks,
I’m humbled and grateful for the time you took to read my posts and get yourself familiar with my issues. I am working on deeper understanding and insight to my problem. I am making progress albeit slow. Getting a mirror feed back from members helps with accountability and deeper insight. I am hurting right now. Very very much. He is ignoring my presence and rejects any advances from normal cooperation. I no longer chase. Conscious awareness does not mean emotional balance. I am far from it. I took our children out last night. I spent time being present and talking to both of them. I also find it overwhelming to maintain school, house responsibilities and my ubpdh’s crazy behaviour.

[babyducks]

  helps with accountability.

You mentioned accountability.

Been to therapy or counseling lately?  Going regularly?  Tried a CODA meeting?

Have a plan or steps to achieve this emotional balance?   

Doing any journalling?

Going to the gym to dump stress?  Going for walks to help relax?

[babyducks]

[quote/ ]
I'm also find it overwhelming to maintain school, house responsibilities and my ubpdh’s crazy behaviour.
[/quote]
How many credit hours are you carrying this semester?   I understood from your posts in June that you were down to the last course or two?

What household responsibility is most difficult?   I remember you saying you have hired help for cleaning?    And that your mother still helped out some since she continues to live with you.

I remember you saying you went for hypnosis sessions to help with the ptsd and anxiety?    Are you still following up with that?

And you mentioned a new counciler "after October 7th ".    How did that go?

[snowglobe]

You mentioned accountability.

Been to therapy or counseling lately?  Going regularly?  Tried a CODA meeting?

Have a plan or steps to achieve this emotional balance?   

Doing any journalling?

Going to the gym to dump stress?  Going for walks to help relax?

Been trying to set up an appointment with a therapist close to where I am at now. Have not been in many months. Have not attended CODA for over 6 months.
Don’t know where to begin with the balance, occasionally meditate and do guided imagery to calm down.
My journaling happens here, I’m petrified to do it on paper. If he were to find it and read it, I don’t know what kind of consequences fill follow.
Do t have the time to go to gym with my school work and the children. We live in a far departed rural area, nothing is within reach.
Haven’t done walking, state of frozen immobility, waiting for the doom.
Those are my how to do list now.

[snowglobe]

How many credit hours are you carrying this semester?   I understood from your posts in June that you were down to the last course or two?

What household responsibility is most difficult?   I remember you saying you have hired help for cleaning?    And that your mother still helped out some since she continues to live with you.
I remember you saying you went for hypnosis sessions to help with the ptsd and anxiety?    Are you still following up with that?

And you mentioned a new counciler "after October 7th ".    How did that go?

Ducks,
I successfully finished my undergrad in August and started full time online masters program. It requires 40 hrs of work per week, which means that between car pooling, cooking and other household chores I don’t get much time off.
The help comes only on by weekly basis, it’s a ginormous property, which requires daily keep up. Additionally I have been dealing with contractors, since ubpdh doesn’t want to trouble himself. Kids are having hard time adjusting and making friends. It’s not what particularly  I find overwhelming, but the sheer amount of work that now doubled. Double commute time,  double square footage to clean and etc. My mother is being triggered by ubpdh and doesn’t want to contribute anymore. She cleans after herself and makes occasional meal. Beyond that she doesn’t want to lift I finger. She is trying to teach him a lesson. Which is ineffective. He is getting angrier, since he was so used to her doing everything for him. Cooking, driving kids, cleaning. Now that she flat out refuses to do the same things he wants to teach her a lesson. He stopped communicating, withdrew her car privileges and took on passive aggressive stance. As a result neither contribute to household responsibilities meaningfully. Both expect the other to do it. I end up doing both ends of their responsibilities, as things need to be done.
I went to hypnotherapy for 10 session. They were relaxing at the moment but did not change the underlying cognition. Waiting to hear from the therapist, who has been away

[babyducks]

I have been dealing with contractors, since ubpdh doesn’t want to trouble himself.

As a result neither contribute to household responsibilities meaningfully. Both expect the other to do it. I end up doing both ends of their responsibilities, as things need to be done.

Stop assuming responsibility for other people's bad decisions and bad behavior and then complaining and feeling victimized because you assumed responsibility for their decisions.

How many times have you heard let them be responsible for what they do or don't do?

True,  some things won't get done.   

But on the other hand you won't be half dead from trying to save the world.

[Cat Familiar]

Stop assuming responsibility for other people's bad decisions and bad behavior and then complaining and feeling victimized because you assumed responsibility for their decisions.

Snowglobe, you’ve gotten a lot of advice about focusing on yourself instead of focusing on your husband and trying to manipulate him to be different than he is.

You’ve made some incremental progress in this direction: finishing your degree and beginning work towards a masters, no longer soothing him through rubbing his feet or massaging him.

Yet you are still overwhelmed and exhausted. This suggests that you are still doing things you really don’t want to do and that aren’t sustainable for maintaining your physical and emotional health or accomplishing your goals.

What is something you can quit doing? Today?

[snowglobe]

Snowglobe, you’ve gotten a lot of advice about focusing on yourself instead of focusing on your husband and trying to manipulate him to be different than he is.

You’ve made some incremental progress in this direction: finishing your degree and beginning work towards a masters, no longer soothing him through rubbing his feet or massaging him.

Yet you are still overwhelmed and exhausted. This suggests that you are still doing things you really don’t want to do and that aren’t sustainable for maintaining your physical and emotional health or accomplishing your goals.

What is something you can quit doing? Today?

I can try to quit and try to control him? Instead I should put my effort into me?

[Notwendy]

I don't  believe that your identity is a statement on your passport. This is what you wrote less than a week ago:

The faith issue is one of the things that trigger me most. Being young and naive girl, I thought that it doesn’t matter. Tonight is a sacred holiday for my faith and ethnicity, I’m sitting and trying to study. This is the day out of all the days in a year that he went to church..[/u]

How much your identity as a Jew matters to you isn't based on how much you know about it or how observant you are. Basically  it matters to you, or you would not have been upset about your H deciding to go to church on the day before Rosh Hashana. Your H deciding to go to church emphasizes the differences between the two of you and this is threatening to someone who is enmeshed. But in actuality you are two different people who feel differently about what religion matters to them and I think this is why your H following his religion feels like a weapon to you- as it feels hurtful.

I agree with Ducks in that many posters have stated that the path to improvement for you starts with you taking the focus off your H and on to you. It's not about who he is but who you are. Who you are doesn't change according to your H's moods or being who you think you need to be to please him.

Why have so many posters written the same thing to you, many times? Because you are worth it Snowglobe. You are a unique human designed to be you, not your H, and not what your H said or did today, or what he ate for breakfast or if he slept in the other room or if he went to church or not.

If Rosh Hashana means something to you, and you have feelings about it, then it is a part of who you are. It matters. If your H doesn't go to church, then this doesn't stir your feelings up, but when he does, it does. And when he takes a stand that you aren't his religion it bothers you.

I am not telling you to be a certain religion. I am making the point that your identity as Jewish matters to you and you have feelings about it.

If your connection to Judaism was only a statement on your passport, you would convert to make your H happy. But you didn't. You did just about everything else- house, be his servant, do whatever he wants you to do. What makes you resist this? Because your connection to your faith and ethnicity matters to you.

[AskingWhy]

pwBPD split religion as they do people.  With people, one day your are loved and the next day you are hated.

My uBPD H claims to be a believer in God, but with the way he treats me, you would not believe him.  One is supposed to cherish a spouse, right?  My H screams at me, orders me around, gives me the silent treatment, calls me names and gives divorce threats (or inferences) almost every week. His opinions depend on how his life is going, his work day, and how his adult children treat him.  Even a downturn in the economy is reason to project and make his wife a verbal and emotional punching bag.

I own part of a family business and the other day he told me he wished the building to burn down.  You can't make this up.  He will scream at me, military instructor style, get in my face, and curse and name call. I find walking away takes away his steam as these dramatics need an audience, and I don't give him my attention.

One time when H was verbally abusing me, I asked him how a person believing in God could treat his wife the way he does.  His reply was to snarl, "There is no God!"  I can bet, however, that if one of his children or grandchildren was seriously ailing, he'd pray with his heart for their healing.  BPDs have mood swings, and this is just one of them.  Pious man of God one day, tomorrow a raging, hating atheist.

[snowglobe]

I don't  believe that your identity is a statement on your passport. This is what you wrote less than a week ago:

The faith issue is one of the things that trigger me most. Being young and naive girl, I thought that it doesn’t matter. Tonight is a sacred holiday for my faith and ethnicity, I’m sitting and trying to study. This is the day out of all the days in a year that he went to church..[/u]

How much your identity as a Jew matters to you isn't based on how much you know about it or how observant you are. Basically  it matters to you, or you would not have been upset about your H deciding to go to church on the day before Rosh Hashana. Your H deciding to go to church emphasizes the differences between the two of you and this is threatening to someone who is enmeshed. But in actuality you are two different people who feel differently about what religion matters to them and I think this is why your H following his religion feels like a weapon to you- as it feels hurtful.

I agree with Ducks in that many posters have stated that the path to improvement for you starts with you taking the focus off your H and on to you. It's not about who he is but who you are. Who you are doesn't change according to your H's moods or being who you think you need to be to please him.

Why have so many posters written the same thing to you, many times? Because you are worth it Snowglobe. You are a unique human designed to be you, not your H, and not what your H said or did today, or what he ate for breakfast or if he slept in the other room or if he went to church or not.

If Rosh Hashana means something to you, and you have feelings about it, then it is a part of who you are. It matters. If your H doesn't go to church, then this doesn't stir your feelings up, but when he does, it does. And when he takes a stand that you aren't his religion it bothers you.

I am not telling you to be a certain religion. I am making the point that your identity as Jewish matters to you and you have feelings about it.

If your connection to Judaism was only a statement on your passport, you would convert to make your H happy. But you didn't. You did just about everything else- house, be his servant, do whatever he wants you to do. What makes you resist this? Because your connection to your faith and ethnicity matters to you.

Wendy,
I’m speechless... I did not comprehend the depth and complexity of my feelings before you stated it. I am not sure what is happening really, feeling of confusion and feeling lost comes to mind. I do know who I am, perhaps subconsciously I try to minimize it so I can gain some peace. The therapist I found is Of a Jewish background, ironically I already felt transferable towards him. I can see how this relationships can become therapeutic alliances. I listen to his lectures, interviews and attended his class. He gave me a feeling of comfort, safety, almost “fatherly figure”. I hope to explore my identity and share your observation is therapeutic session. Thank you, your gentle confrontation took me a back and made me stop and dig deeper

[snowglobe]

pwBPD split religion as they do people.  With people, one day your are loved and the next day you are hated.

My uBPD H claims to be a believer in God, but with the way he treats me, you would not believe him.  One is supposed to cherish a spouse, right?  My H screams at me, orders me around, gives me the silent treatment, calls me names and gives divorce threats (or inferences) almost every week. His opinions depend on how his life is going, his work day, and how his adult children treat him.  Even a downturn in the economy is reason to project and make his wife a verbal and emotional punching bag.

I own part of a family business and the other day he told me he wished the building to burn down.  You can't make this up.  He will scream at me, military instructor style, get in my face, and curse and name call. I find walking away takes away his steam as these dramatics need an audience, and I don't give him my attention.

One time when H was verbally abusing me, I asked him how a person believing in God could treat his wife the way he does.  His reply was to snarl, "There is no God!"  I can bet, however, that if one of his children or grandchildren was seriously ailing, he'd pray with his heart for their healing.  BPDs have mood swings, and this is just one of them.  Pious man of God one day, tomorrow a raging, hating atheist.

Bingo, AskingWhy.
It’s completely incongruent and perplexing in my mind, how can a man who claims to believe in G-d, forgiveness and love treat another human being this way. An enemy probably doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment, let alone a spouse. It stirs anger and resentment in me, but like you pointed, if there is no audience, there is no show. 

[Notwendy]

Snowglobe-

You have worked hard at "changing" your H into the person you wish he could be, or believe he could be. How effective has this been? It's taken much of your time and focus. Look at the results- new house, not doing things to take care of yourself, doing what he wants, caretaking him, watching over him, worrying about everything he does. Has he transformed into that person yet?

It's not uncommon for people who do this to feel they have lost themselves in the process, to not even know who they are, what they think, or feel.

But if your efforts to change your H worked, he would be different, but he's not - he's who he is and it hasn't been good for you. You've done some of this to protect the children, but your thoughts, your thinking - these are focused on your H.

I do know who I am, perhaps subconsciously I try to minimize it so I can gain some peace.

This is a survival mechanism you probably learned as a child, but in the long run, it isn't good for you emotionally or spiritually. I understand it is a tough pattern to break, but several posters have encouraged you to shift your focus off your H and put some of that to you.

You can spend all kinds of time wondering how your H can say he believes in God and still is cruel to you. You may not be able to know all he is thinking. Trying to think logically about a person with distorted thinking may not bring you the answers you seek.

But what you can know is: what are you thinking, what is meaningful to you and it would be more beneficial to you if you could do more of this. It is good that you are seeing a therapist. I hope you will work on this with him.