New Here - I'm Expecting & having difficulties navigating family dynamics (Mom)

[mom2be2020]

Hi everyone! Going to be a long one. I've been searching for a support group for a while. I'm beginning therapy this Thursday, and hoping I'll get some much-needed support there.

I'm 35, expecting my first/only, and I believe my now-senior mother (66) has BPD. My entire life, she's been absolutely a rollercoaster on wheels.  I've read the books, I don't know that I'd say it's "severe" as I believe she has much empathy, but I believe she's a slave to her own emotions, and they are quite negative.  She lives in that negativity nearly always.  She's crippled by major anxiety/panic, she's always bumbling around in a fit of panic/worry hysteria.  When it's not panic, it's anger/rage.  She's getting worse with age.  She was in a significant car accident 2 years ago that I believe was the result of not being able to focus on anything but her negative emotions, and she turned into oncoming traffic.  She now will never have full use of her left hand again, and she's lucky that everything else healed.  She's spit in my father's face; she's punched him with oncoming traffic.  An example of the emotional dysregulation -- she came to visit today, and she was *in my village*, and ON MY STREET - but lost, with my father driving.  She called me, and the panic in her voice was prominent.  I mean, it's not a far stretch to figure out you're somewhere in the ballpark of my neighborhood.  But this is a typical reaction for her.

I should state, it's never been diagnosed. I believe this to be the case because of her total enslavement to her negative emotions. She can be peppy/cheery, but it's largely a front, and I think the one coping mechanism she's found. She is often in a fit of irrational explosive rage or hysteria or panic.  She does have great empathy for others - sometimes seemingly too much. She may hear a friend's distressing issue, and dwell on the sadness of it herself as if it were her own.  

I do believe she suffers greatly, and I've tried to use that empathy to help me get her treatment.  After a serious blowout this summer in an amusement park where she nearly looked like she was going to charge at me, I put my foot down and said she must get therapy.  The event was characterized by a full day of her being demanding, in a panic, etc. And when I made a comment about how my brother (who also has a lot of anger issues) was treating his new girlfriend and my mom didn't hear, she asked me to repeat it. When I was in hearing distance of the offending person, I decided now wasn't the time for the discussion, and I said nevermind; she persiste,d and I said please just drop it.  Literally over the fact that she didn't know what I said, she flipped into an all out rage, and eventually uttered "F*** you" to me, which she's never done.  At this point, I said I was done with the conversation and as I'm walking away, she's chasing after me, continuing it.  This is what she always has done -- chase.  At some point, I flipped her off (also a first extreme for my family, but I was at a complete loss for what to do wtih my mother who was now chasing and harrassing me with a full show of spectators).  That's when she nearly charged at me.  In retrospect discussing it, she doesn't remember initiating the first "f you", and said "All I coudl see was red".  I don't know if that's literal or figurative, but I believe she's distorted the entire thing in her mind, and she had a complete inability to let me walk away, and her do the same.  She's needed therapy for years, and I can't take it anymore.  I later found out that she had the same "nearly charged at me" reaction to my brother the evening prior -- he rarely visits as he's several hours away.  And now my father's sister is visiting, and my father just told me today she exploded at her TOO.

On my father's end, he's nothing but an enabler. I've heard my whole life that he's moving back to New Mexico.  Well they have no idea how much of a burden that's put on me *my entire life* hearing that since I was 7 years old.  They drank, they fought hard, and they loved their children greatly, but the both of them led basically lifestyles that put us in the parenting position often.  Now that I've put my foot down, my father is almost angry at me... he says she'll only change if she wants to.  I also made the drastic mistake of posting a similar post as this on a closed FB group, only to find out that a family gossip was also a member of this group of 10k women... and she screenshotted it to my father!  My father is still holding that over my head, and I've told him it was like reading a personal diary entry... I just want them to get help, and I can't have it in my unborn baby's life.  Even just today with their visit, we started talking about "dirty laundry on Facebook" and he announced his feelings on how one should never do that.  My mom never found out about the FB post... my husband, whom I thought would be pissed at me for going on an anonymous forum because of exactly that risk, was actually supportive and kidded, "Tell your father maybe he should read it again..."

I'm a pretty laid back person, and when my mother is around especially, everything feels chaotic and out of control, frantic, stressful.  It's not completely dissimilar for my Mother-in-Law, whom I can bare a lot less... but my mother is by far and wide a larger sufferer.

It's been 2 months since I demanded she seek therapy. I found some therapists that accept Medicare. She even called one, and had a click, but that was before we learned that they don't all take Medicare... she's made zero progress, it seems, on finding another. She told me she made some calls.  I have zero support from actually emotionally stable relatives - my aunt, who's a great life coach at times, basically says she'll do what she'll do...

Here comes the meat of my queary.  First off, my mom is 66, dad is 69, and they've had COPD for years. My dad told me today on their visit (first since the summer explosion -- we live 2.5 hrs apart) that they've both been diagnosed with emphysema.  And yep - they're both STILL SMOKING.  I do feel like my years with them are numbered.  On a side note, I've been searching for realty in the cheap for them near me for years, as they're quite rural and away from help... also not to mention my father has Parkinson's, and they live on a 2nd floor of their building, and that house is not going to be navigable for long... selfishly, I'm also dreading taking care of that house if they both stay there til they pass.

But along with having limited time with both of them, and them both being so stubborn in treatment, I'm also thinking about my unborn baby.  My mom wants to come stay with us and help in the immediate term.  Just our visit today, first in months, for a few hours was enough to send me over the edge.  I don't want to deprive her of the one joy she's really got in her life, but I also cannot have this, and I won't have chaos in my child's life.  Not to mention, my husband is a good sport but will only bite his lip so long, and I just don't want this to end in family disruption to the point where my husband and she get into a blowout.  I do want her to be able to be here and help; I'm sure we will LOVE to have the help, but I am looking forward to my maternity leave being a time of calm and bonding with this baby.

I just don't know what to do... I'm lost, and I love my mother dearly.  I've pressed on the issue of her getting therapy.  Both of my parents are extremely stubborn.  Their marriage has been in shambles as long as it's been a marriage, and my father is doing what he's done my whole life... venting to me (which I really woudl've thought our blowout and my FB post would've given the hint... I don't want to hear it anymore).  I believe my dad has some mental health issues too, but not necessarily a personality disorder. He lost his own father to suicide.  No one else is pushing this issue but me, and I feel absolutely alone.  What can I do to not take away the experience of helping us take care of our infant, but also not have it devolve into chaos when she's a constant panic, and/or rager when not in panic?  What can I do to enhance the years we do have left?

[TelHill]

Welcome! 

Are you my long lost twin sister? You just described my mom perfectly. 

I am guessing mom doesn't want to go to therapy for whatever reason.  She'll do her own legwork if she wants it. That is the only way it will be effective: if she really, really wants it and really, really works hard at it.

It's the same with smoking and COPD. Nicotine is harder to kick than heroin. With that being said, there are lots of smoking cessation courses around.  They know these exist. They know smoking is unhealthy and can be deadly for COPD sufferers. They'll find these courses when they want to quit. It's their business if they want to keep smoking.

My parents play the helpless role a lot. It's been a mixed blessing. I learned to ask directions, resolve problems with utility companies, etc., at an early age. It gave me a head start as an adult how to negotiate this stuff competently and successfully. Not shy to speak up and push when a business is cheating me or being inefficient. However, my childhood was about parenting them. That's not right and too much pressure on me at age 10.  They still lean on me for things. I've had to separate wants from needs and detach when they start acting out when they don't get what they want from me.

I've found the articles on this website to be very helpful on how to live my best life while not be dragged down by my parents problems. The book "Walking on Eggshells" has been informative. There's lot of other books mentioned on this site.

Good luck with your almost here baby!

[Methuen]

Firstly - congratulations on the pregnancy, and look after you and baby first!

On a side note, I've been searching for realty in the cheap for them near me for years, as they're quite rural and away from help...

Question:  Should this be your problem to take on?  If they are 66 and 69, and not making the best decisions for their own health, I would let them own the responsibility for the move.  Or one day down the road after another blowout or rage, they could tell you it's your fault for moving them there.  That's what would likely happen with my mother.

As someone who is 57 years old and an only child living in the same town as my 83 year old uBPD widowed mom, I envy anyone whose BP parent lives 2 1/2 hrs away.  I love my mom dearly as do you.  She wasn't always horrible all the time.  But as she has aged, the challenges have mushroomed.  At this time, she is impossible, and the situation often feels hopeless.   When I look back at how my life got more difficult as my BP mom aged, I would caution you with regards to the wisdom of trying to find a place close to you to, for your parents to move to, especially as you are starting a family and have your own life to forge. 

I think it's ok for you to focus on your own family and baby.  Your parent's are still young enough to make their own decisions.  If they are healthy decisions (like quitting smoking, or acknowledging their own challenges and seeking counselling support) that would be amazing, but if they are making decisions that do not enhance their well-being, are you sure you want to be the one doing the work to find them a place to live close to you?  Just a sober second thought, from one whose uBPD mom lives in the same town. 

[mom2be2020]

Thanks to both of you for taking the time to reply.

So as of now, my parents have never been anything but grateful for any help I've given, but that is kind of a sobering thought that... perhaps distance makes the heart grow fonder, and things would snowball from here if they are close by.

I also found a FB support group, and one woman said she's never known grandparents to move in that weren't BPD!  I never really considered that.  On reflecting on the situation, I really can't remember if my mom ever brought it up -- I think I'm still in the "safe" zone to tell her "thanks but no thanks" without offending... and/or at minimum, tell her that in the first 3 months, my husband and I will both be home and we don't need anyone else at that time, there'll be "too many cooks in the kitchen".  That's the fortunate thing about my mom... she does recognize that she places stress on everyone around her.  But perhaps we'd be a lot more appreciative if she offered that help when we're getting ready to go back to work and could use child care at that point.

As for the house, it's so difficult because my parents are both defeatists, so easily overwhelmed by literally anything... and I know the house is a huge deal.  It's got a lot of issues; they don't have a real nest egg; and being so rural, they're so far away if help is needed, etc.  I also have an aunt (mom's sister) who LOVES to hang it over my head that I'm so far away because she can help and I can't, and she makes it sound like her burden, and makes me feel like a heel if I don't feel they need the same level of help (after my mom's accident, for instance, I spent a week 3 hrs away in a hospital, but after that, let her do her own thing with appointments etc., and my aunt insisted that my mother needed me to be taking time off of work every time there was a follow up appointment because my mom wasn't understanding what the doctor was saying).  I basically put my foot down and said mom doesn't even want me there - truth be told, my mom does NOT want to be a burden, and she's perfectly capable as well as any of the rest of us are to navigate the healthcare system... we're all a little wonky with it from time to time... but taking off time from work after already taking that time off, for every nitty gritty thing, was just not reasonable or necessary.

No more talk has really come up over it.  I guess these are the things that keep me struggling, that my mom genuinely does feel badly for being such a chaotic mess, but then in the moment, it's a different story.  I can't recall if I posted this the other day or if it happened since, but I spoke with her about a few things, she's prepping a shower for me, etc., and she's overwhelmed even by that (not making me feel guilty or anything, but just overwhelmed), and she's flying to FLA for a friend's daughter's funeral, and she's retired but just totally overwhelmed, and got flustered on the phone and I was instantly like "Listen, I don't want it to be a panic thing, if it's a lot of anxiety, I'd rather just get stuff myself than be stressed [because she will make me stressed, like a lot]."  And I also did ask if she's had a chance to call the other therapist in town, and she actually has!  They're not available currently, but at least it gave me an opportunity to check in with how that is going, and to know it's not at a stand-still.  I *really* tried to talk it up - I honestly put on a little show, cried a little on the phone with happy tears when she made the first phone call, and told her that I really do believe she's going to find it so beneficial, that it's like going to a hairdresser, or any other self-care kind of thing.

I guess my mom is a conundrum. It would probably help if I had a proper DX for her - I know certainly emotional dysregulation is a biggie.  But from there, it's what keeps me hot and cold, because her love runs deep, but her rage and panic and anxiety run JUST as deep.

[skylark23]

Hi there, and welcome!

Wow, it sounds like your relationship with your parents is quite complex. It is different than mine, so I haven't got much in the way of personal experience/advice.

I think that once you start in therapy and work through things some with your therapist, that you will be able to figure out what you want and how to handle some of this in a way that is in line with your morals/beliefs. When I started therapy it took me some time to figure out exactly what I wanted in a relationship with my mom, boundaries, what my responses would be, etc.  But it was great and did give me clarity and confidence.

I'm sorry that you had to deal with parentification and hearing your dad constantly threatening to leave. That had to be so tough.

I suggest take some time thinking over what exactly you want when your child is here. My mom was not there right after my first child was born, but my MIL was and that was before therapy and I had no boundaries, PPD, and basically was a hot mess. MIL was trying to be helpful but she ended up stressing me out and I was resentful of her presence. She is very empathetic like your mom but has Bipolar and a few other things going on and can be manipulative/emotionally needy. She made lots of little annoying comments and crossed a lot of lines with my brand new baby that I was not happy about (nothing dangerous, just offensive to me). In retrospect what would have been best is if we had clearly told her when she could/could not come visit, from right after birth onward, how long we were comfortable with her staying when she did visit, and also given her some tasks to take care of for us that did not necessarily involve her being at our house. She loves to be helpful, or at least feel helpful. Perhaps that will be what your mom needs, as well.

Just curious, if your aunt is nearby them, is she capable of being a caretaker for them? Does she have certain limitations that cause you to feel responsible and the need to also help your parents?

I do not think that there is anything wrong with wanting to help them set up a plan to ensure that they have medical and housing help in the event that they need it...but I would suggest being careful not to enable them. Despite their medical and emotional/mental struggles they are adults and they are the ones ultimately responsible for their choices/decisions around that. That can be hard to remember when you see them making destructive choices and so badly want to rescue them.