I would like to break up

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

I have been with my girlfriend for a year and a half (same sex relationship).  We don't live together and don't have kids together. It's time for me to break up with her. I will miss her very much.

She is on the mild side of BPD traits and is highly functional. She has self awareness, remorse, and apologizes very earnestly but still yells at me and criticizes me often. This is no longer tolerable to me.

I am procrastinating the break up. I feel like a wimp because I am procrastinating. It is very hard. She will be sad and I will be sad too.

Any advice?

[Forgiveness]

Hi,

I have been with my girlfriend for a year and a half (same sex relationship).  We don't live together and don't have kids together. It's time for me to break up with her. I will miss her very much.

She is on the mild side of BPD traits and is highly functional. She has self awareness, remorse, and apologizes very earnestly but still yells at me and criticizes me often. This is no longer tolerable to me.

I am procrastinating the break up. I feel like a wimp because I am procrastinating. It is very hard. She will be sad and I will be sad too.

Any advice?

[once removed]

I feel like a wimp because I am procrastinating.

i think breaking up with someone, rejecting someone, is hard.

there were times that i thought in some ways it was better for me that my ex broke up with me than vice versa.

hard choices are often the best for our emotional health, and, frankly, for all involved. it sounds like youve been thinking about this for a while, and its likely that your ex can feel that. so if youre not otherwise prepared to totally reinvest and improve things, theyre likely to get more volatile if youre detaching or distancing.

what do you think, about the prospect of breaking up, makes it hardest for you?

[Forgiveness]

What makes it hardest is that I will be very lonely. I was recently widowed when I found my GF and I latched on to her because of her joy and passion but also because her drama takes up a lot of space. When she's gone I know that emptiness will be there, not as bad as it was after my wife died, but I will be sad. I know it's not forever, but it will be hard in the short term. I just need to make the leap. It's hard.

Thank you for listening. It helps so much just to type things out.

[Forgiveness]

How will I know if it's right to go "NC"? When to people choose to do this and for how long?

[Forgiveness]

OK she just called me and I broke up with her. She is so sad and I am so sad. I am in a super fog right now, like in shock.

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry. There are no words that can comfort, only time. I’m sorry you have to go through this grief yet again. 

Cat

[Forgiveness]

Thanks Cat. I just left her house. I gave her back her key and she gave me mine. She is devastated.  She said I didn't give her a chance, because tomorrow she is starting a mindfulness stress reduction class. I think it can help. I think she is taking positive steps. However, her behavior towards me has not improved in a year and a half. It is better in some ways and worse in others. She was often threatening to break up with me. A month ago I told her that if she threatened a break up again it would be the last time.  Yesterday she threatened to break up with me if I took an hour break from her to go for a walk and think. I said I'd be back in an hour, and she said don't bother coming back ever.  I decided that was the last time she would threaten me. It was so hard. She didn't mean what she said and she didn't want to break up with me. But I just can't do this any more. I am tired of being yelled at. She knows she has a problem and wants to change. But I have to assume the person in front of me is the person I have. I know people can change but I can't choose a partner based on who they might later become. So I am super sad. I keep remembering all the great times we had. She was super fun most of the time. I am really going to miss her.

This is triggering grief for me because my wife died three years ago. We were together 17 years and so happy. There was no drama. I miss my old life which was so stable and calm.

Thanks for listening. I don't get a lot of replies on these boards because my GF is a mild case. No calling the cops or ambulances here. No self-harm, no suicide attempts. Just a dysregulated person who yells at me, and is super sweet and thoughtful the rest of the time. I will miss the sweet and thoughtful side of her very much.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey forgiveness, I admire your courage, because you did what is right for you.  Now is the time to take care of yourself with kindness and compassion.  You are not responsible for the well being of another adult, just yourself.  Took me a long time to wrap my head around this concept, but I finally got it.  By being true to yourself, you allow others to be authentic, too.

LJ

[Forgiveness]

Thanks Jim.

I am not practiced in breakups. I was very happy with my wife for almost 18 years before she died.  None of the people I dated before my wife were serious. I want to do this respectfully and clearly.

I miss my girlfriend! Not the angry side. The sweet side. I do not want to reach out to her. But I don't want to go completely NC either.

Is it an option to keep communication open a little, like just check in on how someone's day went, without being sucked into drama again? Does everyone here just go NC? How do you decide how long the NC period should be?

Maybe this should be moved to the other board now that we are broken up.

[once removed]

Is it an option to keep communication open a little, like just check in on how someone's day went, without being sucked into drama again? Does everyone here just go NC? How do you decide how long the NC period should be?

NC is just one tool to detach.

limited contact and controlled contact are options. sometimes theyre preferable, but they require a great deal of strength and commitment.

its less about some contact or less contact than whether or not youre really done with the relationship. limited contact can be a way to keep one foot in the relationship.

you both need a reasonable amount of space to grieve the relationship. you need to determine what that looks like, and you cant count on her to keep to it.

we have an article about No Contact, the Right Way and the Wrong Way, and when and how it makes sense. a lot of it is broadly applicable if you want limited contact: https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

the idea is to pick the tool that is likeliest to help rather than hinder detachment, knowing the pros and cons of each, and commit to it.

im sorry this is happening, Forgiveness. none of this is easy 

[Lucky Jim]

Is it an option to keep communication open a little, like just check in on how someone's day went, without being sucked into drama again? Does everyone here just go NC?

Hello again, Forgiveness, Some of us are LC (limited contact).  In my case, my BPDxW and I have kids together so some contact is necessary.  On the other hand, I use boundaries (see Tools, above) to keep our communications to a minimum.  As once removed notes, NC is a useful tool, yet not necessarily right for everyone.  It's up to you to figure out what works best for you.    The goal, I would suggest, is to avoid getting lured back into the BPD swamp.  Often those w/BPD are expert manipulators, so it's important to proceed with caution.

LJ

[Forgiveness]

Thanks Lucky. She sent me a couple of text saying she wishes I would change my mind. I wrote back and said, I love you but I am firm in my decision. Maybe I should not have said I love you, but it is true.

So far she is not stalking or bombarding me with texts. Just a few text in 2 days. All desperate but respectful.

I feel detached from the dynamic and good about myself. I feel RELIEF. I hope that in a year we can be friends again. She really is a good person although her moods are horrible. She is much better towards her friends than to me. In fact she is wonderful to her friends. I would like to be friends with her but I don't want to get sucked back into a relationship. Right now I do not want to see her in person but I am not going NC.

[Lucky Jim]

I feel detached from the dynamic and good about myself. I feel RELIEF. I hope that in a year we can be friends again. She really is a good person although her moods are horrible.

Sounds good, Forgiveness.  Suggest you continue to be firm.  That you feel good about yourself again indicates to me that you made the right move.  It is a relief, isn't it?  Right, the emotional turmoil can be terrible and doesn't let up, as I discovered.  Sounds like you did, too!

LJ