GAL Report

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My ex asked me to talk to him for a moment when I picked up the children tonight.  He has a copy of the GAL report.  I haven't seen it yet - I don't have an appointment with my lawyer until the end of October.  He claims the GAL recommended going with my proposal so ex wants to drop his modification.  I told him I will let him know in a day or two.  That made him angry and he said if I didn't tell him by his lawyer appointment tomorrow he is going to start contacting witnesses to discredit the GAL and me.  I guess I should be happy he wants to drop it, but I just do not trust him.  If he really drops it, it won't be long until he does it again (this is the 3rd time since our original parenting plan in 2014).  I will be calling my lawyer first thing Monday morning.

He started talking to me with our children sitting at the table with us!  I stopped him and asked them to go outside a play for a few minutes.  But they were upset for the rest of the night.  He just doesn't get how upsetting all this is for them.

Any thoughts?

[LilMe]

My ex asked me to talk to him for a moment when I picked up the children tonight.  He has a copy of the GAL report.  I haven't seen it yet - I don't have an appointment with my lawyer until the end of October.  He claims the GAL recommended going with my proposal so ex wants to drop his modification.  I told him I will let him know in a day or two.  That made him angry and he said if I didn't tell him by his lawyer appointment tomorrow he is going to start contacting witnesses to discredit the GAL and me.  I guess I should be happy he wants to drop it, but I just do not trust him.  If he really drops it, it won't be long until he does it again (this is the 3rd time since our original parenting plan in 2014).  I will be calling my lawyer first thing Monday morning.

He started talking to me with our children sitting at the table with us!  I stopped him and asked them to go outside a play for a few minutes.  But they were upset for the rest of the night.  He just doesn't get how upsetting all this is for them.

Any thoughts?

[Panda39]

Lilme,

Wait until you meet with your attorney and read the report! 

It sounds to me like the report may have not gone his way and he thinks your first offer might be better than what the court would award him.  Do not gift anything away.

Meet with your Attorney, go over the report and make an educated choice that is in the best interest of you and your children.

Don't let him pressure you with some false deadline that he has made up. When there is pressure there is usually FOG.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[LilMe]

Thank you, Panda39, you are right.  I couldn't sleep last night at all.  I called my lawyer first thing this morning and that is what she said.  She moved my appointment up to this week.  We all so want this to be over, but I realize it will not end until my youngest (5) is an adult. Sigh.

[MeandThee29]

Thank you, Panda39, you are right.  I couldn't sleep last night at all.  I called my lawyer first thing this morning and that is what she said.  She moved my appointment up to this week.  We all so want this to be over, but I realize it will not end until my youngest (5) is an adult. Sigh.

It's good that your lawyer is moving up your appointment.

Their lack of empathy is one thing that makes this all so hard. If they grasped the impact on the children, how this strikes you to the core, and how the mounting legal expenses are just icing on a horrible conflict, it would all be so different.

At first my lawyer tried to play the empathy card in some of the negotiations, and it totally blew up. We don't do that anymore. It's just hard, cold legalize now.

[Panda39]

Great to hear your Lawyer can fit you in sooner. 

Keep us posted.
Panda39

[LilMe]

I met with my lawyer yesterday.  She is going to make contact with the GAL and update him.  She said that my ex is likely in trouble with his lawyer for showing the children a copy of the GAL report and he won't want the judge to find out.  Since the GAL recommended we go with my counter plan, she is sending a copy to my ex's lawyer and asking for us to both agree to it and avoid court.  We will see what happens!

[livednlearned]

People with intense emotions tend to want control, moreso than most. The chaos of unstable emotions (that they overly attribute to what others do to them) can be really unsettling. He thinks if he can control you, then he can control his feelings. Which is obviously not a winning formula. His own mind prevents him from understanding how he works and what he needs so he's prone to making bad choices, creating the opposite reaction to what he is desperately seeking.

I found that helpful to understand so I could put the reactive behaviors in context. It isn't about the content (e.g. GAL report, care of the kids, etc.) so much as it is about whether you comply with his internal need for control. If he wants to control an interaction and you don't comply, he'll try to grab for control some other way, looking to your behaviors for an indication of whether he is making progress.

It's hard when we have kids.

One time, at the true end of my frayed rope, I put my own safety and strength ahead of my son's, while he was there.

Instead of him being mad that I didn't protect him, he felt different. He felt safe because he saw I was standing up for myself. If I could do that for myself, I could do that for him.

I'm sorry you have to go through this and be so hurt by your ex. It takes a big toll. Keep posting and finding your way. I bet you have a BigMe inside that LilMe  

[LilMe]

Wise words, LNL. Thank you. He definitely wants to contol me and everyone else too. Just waiting impatiently for his answer now.

[ForeverDad]

If his case does get withdrawn or settled, it would be best for it to be handled in such a way that he can't just start it over anytime soon without basis.  (Often courts want a year or more between attempted changes to an order.)  The GAL and lawyers could add conditions, for example, where he might have to use the same GAL or one from a short list you've vetted to be excellent.

Are there any self-interpreted loopholes ex has been taking advantage of?  Would having Decision Making or Tie Breaker status help you?  Having either of those would mean you don't have to be the one waiting for months on court for a resolution.  Include appropriate solutions.  Be seen as the parent with practical solutions.

[LilMe]

FD,

He is very smart and worked as a paralegal in the past, so yes, he works all the loopholes and knows how to manipulate the system!  He does have to wait a year before another modification.  Last time between modifications he sued me for our car (he is blind and doesn't drive and I provide all transportation for his visits).  I don't think there is anything else he can sue me for, but you just never know!  He has also called the child abuse hotline on me (or had others do it) at least a dozen times.  We are also at the end of available judges as we are pretty rural here.  The current judge has to come for several counties away and will not be thrilled if he has to hear this case.  In the future it would likely have to be a judge from even further away.  He has been through about every local lawyer too as they usually won't accept him as a client more than once after they get to know him.

I am waiting to hear from my lawyer and the GAL.  They were supposed to have talked on Friday.  I am cautiously optimistic.  In court he would have to prove that something has changed for the worse in my situation since the last modification.  My situation has actually improved greatly since I left and had to start over with nothing (own nice house now, financially stable, great family support, etc.).  He has abused the children and has very little family support (elderly father that lives 9 hours away-his other grown children will have nothing to do with him).  But I am sure he could somehow twist it around to be bad for me!

Thank you for your support and advice!  Most I encounter know nothing about personality disorders and the toll they take on children and families in court so it is nice to have understanding here!