Family photos

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi BPD family 

Hoping that the hive mind can give me some ideas to move forward.

So two years out now - slowly healing and trying so hard to close the chapter on my failed marriage to an exBPDh (our 21 year marriage abruptly ended in his blindsiding me with his psychotic break and my assault) while co-parenting my teen son. 

My latest stumbling block is the many, many family photo albums that I have to deal with.  I guess I should congratulate myself on the fact that I'm actually able to even look through them now when not too long ago, I would have been sent into a shame spiral, panic attack or overwhelming grief just holding to family photos.

The current situation:
During his breakdown, my ex spirited off all the family photos and hid them in a storage unit (he was paranoid).  I've been trying to get them back for the better half of two years so I can make copies.  Bear in mind, I had only a handful of photos of my son for two years.  The ex is in great humor now due to his new supply so he magnanimously decided to give some (not all) back to me.  During our marriage, I had lovingly organized them into dated albums.  He handed me back a gigantic heap of pictures in a garbage bag.  Many photos are missing, some are torn, all are in a heap and I'm having a heck of a job trying to impose some order to them (i.e. I can't tell what age my son is in some of them and I can't tell the chronology of some events). 

Going through them feels like abuse all over again.  It's bad enough looking through them and seeing my clueless self smiling blithely completely unaware of the boiling cauldron of malevolence that was my ex.  I feel like my marriage was a complete illusion.  Joyous events like the birth of my son are completely tainted now.  His family dropped me like a hot potato after the divorce so, so many of the photos are just plain hurtful now.  I can't bear the sight of any that include my ex.

I do want my son to have a record of his childhood.  Is it creepy to just want to keep pictures of just him or him and me?

I just envision his future partner wanting to look through pictures of him as a child and my heart breaks at the dysfunction that will be visually apparent.

Any ideas as to how best to handle this? 

Warmly,
B

[Baglady]

Hi BPD family 

Hoping that the hive mind can give me some ideas to move forward.

So two years out now - slowly healing and trying so hard to close the chapter on my failed marriage to an exBPDh (our 21 year marriage abruptly ended in his blindsiding me with his psychotic break and my assault) while co-parenting my teen son. 

My latest stumbling block is the many, many family photo albums that I have to deal with.  I guess I should congratulate myself on the fact that I'm actually able to even look through them now when not too long ago, I would have been sent into a shame spiral, panic attack or overwhelming grief just holding to family photos.

The current situation:
During his breakdown, my ex spirited off all the family photos and hid them in a storage unit (he was paranoid).  I've been trying to get them back for the better half of two years so I can make copies.  Bear in mind, I had only a handful of photos of my son for two years.  The ex is in great humor now due to his new supply so he magnanimously decided to give some (not all) back to me.  During our marriage, I had lovingly organized them into dated albums.  He handed me back a gigantic heap of pictures in a garbage bag.  Many photos are missing, some are torn, all are in a heap and I'm having a heck of a job trying to impose some order to them (i.e. I can't tell what age my son is in some of them and I can't tell the chronology of some events). 

Going through them feels like abuse all over again.  It's bad enough looking through them and seeing my clueless self smiling blithely completely unaware of the boiling cauldron of malevolence that was my ex.  I feel like my marriage was a complete illusion.  Joyous events like the birth of my son are completely tainted now.  His family dropped me like a hot potato after the divorce so, so many of the photos are just plain hurtful now.  I can't bear the sight of any that include my ex.

I do want my son to have a record of his childhood.  Is it creepy to just want to keep pictures of just him or him and me?

I just envision his future partner wanting to look through pictures of him as a child and my heart breaks at the dysfunction that will be visually apparent.

Any ideas as to how best to handle this? 

Warmly,
B

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Baglady-

I’m so sorry and I truly feel your pain on this one.  My own 19-year marriage ended when my NPD/BPD exH threw me across the room one night.  I was stunned and terrified.

So the photo albums... I was the same as you, all organized.  19 years of family photos, hundreds of gatherings with my 3 stepkids and extended family.  And I too, was completely cut off by exH’s relatives.  Still have slight relationship with 2 stepkids.  I have the albums and periodically I wonder what to do with all of this.  I have the ONLY photos of my kids with their dad.  Why haven’t they asked for these?  I don’t know...

My friend, I’m eight years out, further out than you.  The pain and shock have dulled.  My anger swings up (finally), but not out.  Despite all the pain, We cannot deny we lived all those years.  And undoubtedly there likely WERE some happy and genuine times.  No matter who those husbands turned out to be in the end.

My suggestion would be to create photo albums with pictures of you and your beloved son (and your son alone) for both of you to look at and enjoy together.  And create a separate place to put pictures of his father and pictures of him with his father.  Maybe even a shoebox for now.  It’s likely too soon to use the time and care it takes to create albums for photos containing your exH.  Your son will understand. 

You save those photos (in case his father didn’t), and maybe someday you or your son place them in an album.  There is no urgency to this.  The kindness is in keeping the photos in the event your son wants to see them someday.

I do understand the pain and confusion around this.  I’m sorry.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[GaGrl]

Digitize as many photos as you can, and deal with them as you heal. You don't have to do anything now except save the photos.

[ForeverDad]

When my divorce was final, my ex asked for her wedding pictures.  I gave her the ones with her and her family.  I don't know why, but she didn't ask for our son's photos.  I knew better than to bring up yet another aspect of photos.  The old time-tested advice, don't bring up additional topics and avoid complicating things.

I didn't throw any out and the albums are still here  We were married a dozen years before our son arrived, so we also have a box or two with many photos still in the envelopes with their negatives.

In recent years most of my photos are digital, so I have them saved on flash drives, with redundant backups.  A word of caution... some web sites that offer storage (I'm thinking one is Google's free storage, probably others too) may convert your photos to smaller sizes with less resolution if certain storage limits are exceeded.  (Some of my 24 megapixel photos are 9 megabytes each in size.)  So while online storage is great for convenience and as a last-resort backup, saving your original photo files - under your full control - is probably still a wise choice.

[GaGrl]

Agree -- we just bought a photo saved stick that pulls all photos off your phone, tablet, computer. I will consolidate these files and put them on a multi-terabyte external drive that can go into our home safe.

[livednlearned]

Photos are tough. 

I'm sorry your ex didn't treat the photos with the respect they deserved. You put in so much loving work and he took that away from you.

How do you feel about having the photos digitized for you?

Do you feel comfortable asking your son what he might prefer?

[Baglady]

Hi all,

Appreciate your input so much!  My son cannot handle this issue yet - he is still trying to wrap his head around his father's mental breakdown and he isn't quite in the loop yet about BPD although he is getting there.  My ex puts on such an amazing front for him - it's actually somewhat crazy making for me.

Livednleaned  - I actually chuckled over your comment:

I'm sorry your ex didn't treat the photos with the respect they deserved. You put in so much loving work and he took that away from you.

You could say the same for our marriage.  My ex admitted at the end that:

"Well I was just playing house.  It was all a charade".   

And here I was thinking that I was building and creating a life foundation, a family unit ya know, like most normal people do 

I like the idea of creating my own version of the past - just my son and myself.  I'll put the rest of the photos in a shoebox and let my son handle them however he wants.

Thanks all and hang in there,
Warmly,
B