New and seeking advice

[SeekingSaunders]

I'm one of two sisters. My mother died almost ten years ago. My sister has always been very volatile and has always had a difficult relationship with my dad (and other people) She has recently disclosed to me that he was inappropriate with her when she was a teenager. She has confronted him (but not with clear statement of what happened) and he does not know what she is referring to. They are now not speaking and I really cannot imagine how they will ever be able to reconcile in any way. My father is very upset, as is my sister. She has also refused to tell me any details only that "its not horrendous" & "I had to tell you as you have a daughter who is coming into teenage hood" Having given her some time, I have tried to talk to her recently about the need for us to have a frank conversation. She flew into a rage (which she a long history of) and shut down the conversation asking me by text to "never speak to her again about it". I have confided in a couple of very close friends who know my relationship history with my sister. One suggested that maybe she wasn't very well. It is then when I started to do some research and came across BPD. Some of the traits of this diagnosis really rang bells with me. I am very new to this topic and would really appreciate some guidance as to where to look for more clarity and how to handle this as a sibling of a potential BPD person. Thanks  

[Panda39]

Hi Seeking Saunders,

Welcome to the group    You are not alone in having a difficult relationship with a family member.  I come at this from a slightly different angle, my Partner has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).  Everyone here has someone in their lives either diagnosed with BPD or exhibiting traits of BPD we "get it".

Unfortunately, none of us will ever really know if anything did or did not happen between your sister and dad.

I want to share information on the Karpman Triangle with you because I can see triangulation in your story.  Just click on the link for more information -> https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

I also wanted to share a couple of books on BPD that you might find helpful...

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS, Randi Kreger

and

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr, M.A.

When I first found out about BPD I did a lot of reading and found it really helpful to get a good grounding in what BPD is and what might be behind some of the behaviors I saw with my partner's ex.

Besides the conflict between your sister and dad and the rage you mention, what other kinds of behaviors are you seeing?

Again Welcome I'm glad you jumped in and posted.  I have found this site incredibly helpful in terms of support, information, ideas and sometimes just a place to vent.  I know other members will be along soon.

Take Care,
Panda39

[SeekingSaunders]

Hi Panda39,

Thank your for your reply. I really appreciate the time you took to write your thoughts for me.

I have looked at the Karpman Triangle and recognise lots of patterns in that. I just am at a bit of a loss as to how to escape it! We seem to shift between roles rapidly amongst the three of us and I would desperately like to extract myself from these patterns. I have had periods of no contact with my sister but don't see this as a long term solution. I realise my dad won't be around forever and fear that as she gets older I will become even more of a target to her anger and irrational behaviour.

Other than rages which are vicious and shocking, my sister finds close relationships difficult. She has always had very intense relationships with friends which fairly often end in disaster, with her painting them as 'mad' or 'evil' 'manipulative'. Although this has improved in recent years her anger at my dad has worsened since my mum died and she got divorced. These two things happened about the same time 10 years ago.

Her thinking has always been very black and white. People are good/bad, honest/dishonest, trustworthy/untrustworthy. I just don't see the world that way and find that way of thinking very difficult to understand. I really don't want my children to see the world that way and find it very toxic.

I have started listening to the book "stop walking on eggshells" and hope to gain some insight through it!

Thanks again for listening and for your time.

Best wishes