Situation with my ex-fiancée, unsure of what to do

[Depression = 72% of members]

At the beginning of the year I entered a relationship with a wonderful young woman who suffers from BPD, along with other mental health issues such as bipolar disorder. We were very much in love, and still are, but things are complicated now and I’m unsure of what to do.

Around a month ago my ex-fiancée broke up with me, as she had done previously a few times, but unlike those times, she fully intended on staying broken up this time. Around this time I found out that she had been lying to me about doing cocaine during our relationship, which is a problem she had coped with before we met, but she promised me she had stopped. Lying and poor communication skills are a running theme here.

To this day we are broken up, but we are still very much in love and still see each other frequently. This has been a confusing time for both of us. Each day brings uncertainty,  because she flip-flops between wanting to be with me again and desiring her freedom as a single person. Some days I feel very led on. But I know that’s not her intention, I’m sure she is just as confused as I am. I want her back, and I know she wants that too to some degree, but she has always been indecisive.

But the real problem lies in the fact that she is extremely stubborn and suffers alone because of it. In the time I have known her, she has been incapable of holding a job for more than a few months, although I know she does not want that to happen. She just recently left a job she thought was too stressful. As a result, she has been broke, basically unable to feed herself. The stress from being broke and hungry has left her feeling depressed and has caused her to act irrationally: binge drinking with her friends, spending excessive amounts of money she can’t afford, that kind of deal. I have tried to talk to her about her behavior, and about how her lifestyle is unsustainable, but every time I try, she rebuffs me. Says she doesn’t want to talk about any of her problems, or that she will “figure it out” on her own.

I really want to help her. I see an intelligent young woman with a potentially bright future wasting away because she is too prideful to get herself help. She has an appointment with a new therapist tomorrow, and that will hopefully be a great start, but I’m afraid she will blow off her appointment like she has in the past. I want to support her, but I’m not sure how, and every time I try to engage with her on more than a surface level, she gets uncomfortable and refuses to engage. My heart hurts. What can I do?

[MetalGuitar94]

At the beginning of the year I entered a relationship with a wonderful young woman who suffers from BPD, along with other mental health issues such as bipolar disorder. We were very much in love, and still are, but things are complicated now and I’m unsure of what to do.

Around a month ago my ex-fiancée broke up with me, as she had done previously a few times, but unlike those times, she fully intended on staying broken up this time. Around this time I found out that she had been lying to me about doing cocaine during our relationship, which is a problem she had coped with before we met, but she promised me she had stopped. Lying and poor communication skills are a running theme here.

To this day we are broken up, but we are still very much in love and still see each other frequently. This has been a confusing time for both of us. Each day brings uncertainty,  because she flip-flops between wanting to be with me again and desiring her freedom as a single person. Some days I feel very led on. But I know that’s not her intention, I’m sure she is just as confused as I am. I want her back, and I know she wants that too to some degree, but she has always been indecisive.

But the real problem lies in the fact that she is extremely stubborn and suffers alone because of it. In the time I have known her, she has been incapable of holding a job for more than a few months, although I know she does not want that to happen. She just recently left a job she thought was too stressful. As a result, she has been broke, basically unable to feed herself. The stress from being broke and hungry has left her feeling depressed and has caused her to act irrationally: binge drinking with her friends, spending excessive amounts of money she can’t afford, that kind of deal. I have tried to talk to her about her behavior, and about how her lifestyle is unsustainable, but every time I try, she rebuffs me. Says she doesn’t want to talk about any of her problems, or that she will “figure it out” on her own.

I really want to help her. I see an intelligent young woman with a potentially bright future wasting away because she is too prideful to get herself help. She has an appointment with a new therapist tomorrow, and that will hopefully be a great start, but I’m afraid she will blow off her appointment like she has in the past. I want to support her, but I’m not sure how, and every time I try to engage with her on more than a surface level, she gets uncomfortable and refuses to engage. My heart hurts. What can I do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

MetalGuitar94, welcome  thanks for sharing what you're going through. This definitely sounds like a challenging season for you, and you'll find a great deal of support on this site!

I know you already know you can't force her to want to do anything, even if it benefits her. You can control your responses to her, you can research to better understand BPD and the other mental health issues she's navigating, and you have the option of setting boundaries. (A good thing I've noticed about boundaries is that they usually benefit everyone in the relationship in the long run, even if it doesn't always feel good at first.)

You shared that you want to help her and support her.  I hear you, because I know how sad it makes me to watch my husband struggle. Recently I've learned that it's most effective to let him sit in his discomfort without trying to fix or rescue. Do you think that approach would work for you? What would it look like in your situation?

I'm interested in hearing if she attends the therapy session tomorrow so keep us posted! 

pj

[MetalGuitar94]

Thanks for the response, pj. It has definitely been rough lately.
On the topic of boundaries, I agree that setting them would definitely be beneficial for both of us, the idea of having that conversation makes her (and myself too) uncomfortable so she avoids talking about it. I don’t know how to bring it up in a way that won’t end up upsetting the both of us.
As for her therapy appointment, we’ve hit a snag. She recently lost all of the contacts in her phone and had to do a hard reset, meaning she lost her therapist’s contact information. Her appointment is scheduled for this afternoon but she doesn’t know where or what her therapist’s name is. I’m hoping that hey call her today as a reminder. Fingers crossed!

[pursuingJoy]

I don’t know how to bring it up in a way that won’t end up upsetting the both of us.

Boundaries usually cause some discomfort for both parties, sort of their MO unfortunately.  Thinking through what's important to you individually and in a relationship would be a good start. Start small, work from your values, and think about boundaries as a measure of protection.
 

As for her therapy appointment, we’ve hit a snag. She recently lost all of the contacts in her phone and had to do a hard reset, meaning she lost her therapist’s contact information. Her appointment is scheduled for this afternoon but she doesn’t know where or what her therapist’s name is. I’m hoping that hey call her today as a reminder. Fingers crossed!

I'm sorry to hear this. I wonder if there's a way to backtrack. If the therapist was a referral, who made the referral? If she found them online, maybe it's in the search history?

It sounds like she's made efforts to avoid counseling in the past. How would you feel about rescheduling an appointment and joining her at the next session? Might offer some comfort and accountability. Ultimately, she is an adult and if she doesn't want to go, she doesn't have to.

Keep us posted MG94.

pj

[MetalGuitar94]

You’re right that I can’t force her to go to her therapy appointment if she doesn’t want to. All I can do is encourage her, because I doubt she would be interested in letting me come along. The reason why she lost her contacts is because she got a new phone, and found the new therapist on the internet so she wouldn’t be able to backtrack her steps unfortunately.
Part of our problem with having difficult conversations is that she gets upset very easily and it’s impossible to have conversations with her in that state. This includes when I try to talk to her about things she says and does that make me upset. She gets very defensive and lashes out. For instance, I know she has been talking to other guys and obviously I’m not comfortable with that, but every time I try to bring up that it makes me upset she shuts me down and invalidates my feelings by saying that I basically have no right to be upset because we aren’t together. And that’s the end of the conversation, she won’t engage further than that. You can see why I would be confused :P

We have always had problems with communication, on her end as well as mine, but no matter how hard I try to get her to open up she shuts me out, even when we were together. I always offer to hear her out but when she’s upset she pulls the “I’m fine don’t worry about it” card, which of course upsets me because I just wish I could help. Sorry if I’m venting!

[pursuingJoy]

Vent away, MG94. We're here to support each other.   

For instance, I know she has been talking to other guys and obviously I’m not comfortable with that, but every time I try to bring up that it makes me upset she shuts me down and invalidates my feelings by saying that I basically have no right to be upset because we aren’t together. And that’s the end of the conversation, she won’t engage further than that. You can see why I would be confused :P

I can see where the fuzzy boundaries with her create confusion, so let's stay here for a bit. It sounds like you care deeply about her, so of course it's upsetting to learn that she's talking to other people. On the other hand, you broke up. If you're not in an exclusive relationship, by most standards it is acceptable to talk with other people.

If this fuzziness is creating confusion for you, are you ok with that indefinitely? If so, that is a choice you're capable of making. If you're not ok with this dynamic, what part of this can you control to move the needle on clarifying the boundaries of your relationship?

[MetalGuitar94]

The fuzziness is definitely the worst part. She always says she doesn’t think she’s ready to get back together but then sometimes she says that she really misses me and that she is thinking about getting back together. Plus, we see each other frequently, we are still intimate and all that stuff. I agree that setting boundaries in this instance would definitely help. However, when I bring up the subject of the mixed signals her default response is “so we should just stop talking and seeing each other completely then” which is obviously neither what I want nor is it constructive. I’m not capable of sustaining this interaction between us forever, but I’m afraid that if I ask her to clarify or work on our boundaries that she will just either do nothing and continue the way it has been or get defensive and separate entirely. I’m not sure what I’m capable of controlling in this scenario.
I appreciate the continued help

[pursuingJoy]

It sounds like you don't prefer the fuzziness, but are not yet at a point where you want to take on the challenges of clarifying your relationship, either. No problem. Let's talk!

I’m not sure what I’m capable of controlling in this scenario.

It really sucks to feel powerless. A staff member here once wrote that you have four options in the face of a difficult situation: solve the problem, change how you feel about the problem, accept it, or stay miserable and continue to be the victim. Let's look at other options and get you thinking creatively about what you can control, tell me what you think:

1. Radical acceptance, or accepting your situation for what it is. This is easier said than done, it takes hard work, but it's possible and it makes a huge difference on your outlook! Check out more info on how to "accept suffering as it is, but no longer suffer about your suffering."

2. Do your part to research and understand BPD. There are a host of tools on this site, and keep talking to us by posting on the board. The more specific you are about situations, the more helpful our insight will be.

3. Consider your own role in this dynamic. This and radical acceptance were the hardest for me. I figured the 'blame' fell on my BPD MIL and my H for just following her lead. In reality, blaming doesn't help anyone. My situation just is what it is, and I can only control me. Having been raised by an NPD dad, my issues were playing a role in our conflict. Before I could begin to help, I had to think through my 'stuff' and how I was contributing to the conflict.

This is all just to get you thinking about the pieces you can control.

[MetalGuitar94]

I really appreciate the insight. I have a lot of thinking and research to do

[pursuingJoy]

I hope I didn't overwhelm you. Hang in there. We'll be here when you want to chat!