for the sake of my marriage

[Amelia Hope]

I love my mother very much, but I am really struggling with the guilt and fear that I feel when I don't do things her way or when she doesn't feel loved enough.

Some context on my particular situation ... my father passed away when I was a child and my mother raised me and my two siblings on her own. We were raised very conservatively, went to church, were home schooled, and many things about our home life were very "scheduled". Many people have complemented my mom on how well she raised her kids. And I agree that good character and manners were well instilled and mom did make her kids a priority. However, the schedules, strictness, and certain expectations carried into even adulthood.

As college students and young adults we were expected to come home for every holiday, use the majority of our vacation time to be at home with her, and call home regularly. This has been troubling for years, not because I don't love my family, but because something about it doesn't feel "normal" and there is always an element of fear if I don't do enough or do things the right way. When me or my siblings would do something "different", we would be reminded that our family is not like other families. Other families or people wouldn't understand. I've always been too afraid to change things and have felt it's my responsibility to be there for mom. So things have continued the same until about a year and a half ago when I got married.

5 weeks after our wedding, my mom was crying and telling me that I hadn't talked to her very much recently and she felt I was cutting her out of my life. In those 5 weeks, we had seen her at least twice (she live 9 hrs away) and I had talked to her on the phone. So it seemed very strange that this was her reaction. But the really difficult part came when we spent Christmas with her and the following weeks consisted of some very hurtful phone calls where she called me selfish, unthoughtful, uncaring, and told me to never reach out in any way unless I was ready to make changes. 3 months went by with no communication between the two of us.

After 3 months, my husband and I drove the 9 hrs to my mother's house so that we could let her know in person that our relationship with her is important to us but we need her to be respectful and understanding of our marriage relationship; I may not be able to call or visit as often as I used to but that doesn't mean I don't love her. The good news is since that conversation things have been better and I think she is trying to be more respectful of our space. I have tried not to cave and visit her for every holiday or call as often as I know she wants me too. I'm trying to set some boundaries. But there is still so much fear for me in this relationship.I am afraid I'll get disowned again and that I'll have to hear those terrible things. I'm afraid of what she thinks when I don't call on a Saturday or say that we are spending a holiday elsewhere. Even though things "seem" better, I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've seen her be "ok" before but then something tips the scales and I'm a "terrible daughter" again. It's like this constant weight on my mind and heart. But something that continues to motivate me now is I know I have to change some things for the sake of my marriage. My husband has been open and honest with me and said "I feel like I have to compete with your family for your affection and attention." That is not how he should feel and I know that if I don't set boundaries and change the "dance" with my mother, my marriage will suffer. But I still love my mother and don't want to do something detrimental to her. I am seeing a therapist to help me work through this struggle and I'm reading some books about boundaries and BPD, but it's still hard. I'm tired of feeling afraid. I want to have a relationship with my mom, but I want it to be healthy, not full of fear and anxiety about what she is thinking or if she'll explode again. I want to feel free to live my life without always worrying about this.

Is there anyone else who has experienced something like this? I guess I'm looking for whatever hope and encouragement is out there. Thanks

[Panda39]

Hi Amelia,

Welcome to the group    I'm on these boards because my Partner has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife so I come at this from a slightly different angle.

That said, what you are describing is something you have in common with many of our members here.  It sounds like emotional incest/enmeshment, I have seen this with my Partner's daughters and their mom.  At the heart of BPD is the fear of abandonment so folks with BPD will often become controlling, overly involved in your life, and boundary bust to sooth themselves. 

More on emotional incest...
https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

This has been troubling for years, not because I don't love my family, but because something about it doesn't feel "normal" and there is always an element of fear if I don't do enough or do things the right way

When there is fear or pressure be on the lookout for FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail.

More on FOG...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

I think your gut instinct about things not being normal is correct. Most parents want their children to grow into independent adults but what you are getting is the exact opposite...clingy, needy behavior.  Just as you are an adult, I will remind you that so is she.  You are not responsible for her feelings, or managing her feelings that is up to her.

How did you come across BPD, is your mom diagnosed or is she like my Partner's ex undiagnosed but the behaviors fit?  Have you done any reading on BPD that was the first thing I did...hit the books a the library.  I'm curious what's your husband's take on all of this?  He can be good at giving you an outside perspective that we sometimes don't see when we are in it.

Again, I'm really glad you've joined us this site and the members here have been truly helpful in negotiating my Partner's ex.  We all have some one with BPD or BPD Traits in our life we "get it".  Keep interacting here it's a real positive.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Amelia Hope]

Hi Panda39,

Thank you for those words of encouragement. It is relieving to know there are others who have experienced similar things because it's a reminder that it's not "just me" and it reminds me that there is hope for things to get better.

My mom is not officially diagnosed with BPD. I found out about BPD because I was going to see a therapist regarding my relationship with my mother in general. I knew I needed help with the guilt and anxiety I was feeling. I also needed someone to tell me if I was the one not seeing things correctly. But the therapist was rather shocked at my mother's behavior and did encourage me to set boundaries. At one point in my therapy sessions, the therapist recommended "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I started listening to the book on audio and wow! It was like it was describing my life. I am about halfway through the book now. On the one hand, it is relieving. But it is also very difficult to listen to at times because it hits so incredibly close to home. That's how I found out about BPD.

Yes, my husband is good at providing an outside perspective and reminding me that it's ok to take care of myself and not do everything the way my mother expects or wants me to. I think if it wasn't for him, I would probably still be following old patterns of behavior with my mom. The "easy" thing to do has always been to just go along with her expectations because it keeps the peace. And I just wasn't sure what normal looked like. But after my husband got to see some things up close, he was able to lovingly but plainly point out that some things needed to change. He was able to see more clearly than I that how my mother and I were interacting was not healthy. I am grateful for that because if he didn't help me see that, I'm not sure who would have.

My younger brother and sister are not married and don't really have anyone else close to them in their life (other than one another and our mom). So I don't think they see the same things I see right now. This makes things a bit trickier for me because I'm the only child "changing things" and setting boundaries. It makes me look (and sometimes feel) like the bad guy.

I know that I may not be able to change my mom, but I can change how I think and act. So right now I'm working on having a better perspective (remembering I'm not the cause of her behavior); being confident that it's ok and good to have boundaries; and preparing myself for what I can say if there are challenging conversations in the future. I know I can help myself, and my mom, but it's going to take some determination and isn't going to happen overnight.

Thanks again for the support. It means a lot.

[zachira]

Welcome to BPD Family! We are here to listen and support you. I admire how wise you are knowing that your husband has to come first and should not have to compete with your mother for affection. I hear the longing you feel to have a healthy relationship with your mother and not let her interfere with your marriage. I was raised by a mother with BPD. I think you are doing the right thing by trying to establish healthy boundaries with your mother which is challenging because she does not respect the boundaries you set. From my experience with my mother and clearly no two situations are exactly the same, I would say to not share too much personal information with your mother and to be consistent with the boundaries you decide on having with your mother. I recommend limiting the sharing of personal information because this will likely make it easier to enforce the boundaries you do decide on. My heart goes out to you on wanting to having a more healthy loving relationship with your mother. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[Amelia Hope]

Thank you, zachira!

I appreciate the boost of confidence! I have definitely been wary of sharing very personal information with my mom. What is hard about that is that I used to share nearly everything with her - struggles, decisions, difficulties. I think it made her feel needed and now she doesn't feel as needed anymore because I share those things with my husband now. What I am trying to remind myself is that is ok and that is how it is supposed to be. I have my own immediate family unit now. My mom is still family and I love her, but I'm no longer in her household. It's ok for me to establish and have my own household and for my husband to be my confidant now. I just think that change is hard for her to understand and accept.

She may feel hurt and disappointed ... and that is ok too. It doesn't mean I'm doing anything wrong. It doesn't mean I don't love her. She has a right to those feelings. I just want us to be at a place where even when she feels hurt and disappointed, it doesn't result in verbal attacks and beliefs that I don't love her. Whether or not we get to that "place", I know I can choose not to feel guilty. So again, thanks for the reminder.

One other thing that I've noticed is "if only" thinking on my part. For example, "if only I call her a little more" or "if only I share more personal things" or "if only I visit more" THEN she'll be more understanding. From what I'm learning about BPD, that thinking probably isn't right. So probably one thing I need from this group are reminders that setting boundaries and not giving into wants/demands IS the right thing to do. It shows I love myself, my husband, and that I love my mom. It will be better for everyone in the long run, even if it doesn't feel intuitive in the moment.

Thanks again for the words of encouragement and support!

[zachira]

Glad I could help! You are wisely observing that your mother is going to keep on violating the boundaries you have set and try to return your relationship to what it was before you were married. You want the new boundaries not to result in verbal attacks and beliefs that you do not love her. Unfortunately, you really have no control over how your mother reacts to the boundaries you set. The challege is over time to be more grounded in your own feelings and not take personally how your mother reacts. I feel we can never be perfect in not getting overwhelmed with how we feel when we are verbally attacked and/or ghosted for a period of time by our own mother; we can just learn to anticipate that there will be verbal attacks and other hurtful behaviors taking place, and over time and with practice feel less intensely overwhelmed and for shorter periods of time with how our mother with BPD is currently treating us. You are in therapy which I think protects your marriage, as there is just so much to discuss when you have a mother with BPD. I found that long term therapy to be the most useful for helping me deal with my family members with BPD. You do love your mother. After all, we only have one mother. Your mother also did many nice things for you. It is just the other side of her that has come out since you got married that is so challenging to deal with. I admire your courage and how wise you are to do what you have to to protect your marriage while trying to create a healthier relationship with your mother.