Holiday Drama

[Our abuse recovery guide]

It's been a while (almost a year) since I've posted.  But I need to get this off my chest and have some reassurance.  I was seeing a therapist, and plan to do so again, but life happened.

This post has to do with a family member (FM) and uBPDm.  About a year ago, I went NC with the FM in question because she posted some unprovoked, rude comments (borderline ethnic slurs) directed at me on social media and refused to stop.  This person has a history of treating me poorly, ever since I was young, to the point of assault. But moreover, she has, I suspect, a drinking problem.  She drinks alone and when she travels or visits friends and family outside of her city, she has to have some sort of alcohol. Right before I went NC, she had been calling late at night and texting me messages that made no sense whatsoever.  As you can imagine, they made me anxious and confused.  I went NC and FM had a fit, sending me extremely abusive emails before I managed to filter them.  But after I went NC, I immediately felt better and more positive than I had in a while.   

Now to the latest crap.  UBPDm still talks to her, which is her choice.  I did not tell her what FM said, only that I did not want talk to or about her.  Up until today, uBPDm had "respected" my decision, insofar as a borderline can.  Today, however, I find out that FM is coming for the holidays.  Due to her repeated behaviors and what happened a year ago, I do not want to spend my vacation with her.  I told uBPDm that I didn't feel comfortable with FM, so I would not be coming for Christmas.  Welp, she had a fit and proceeded to gaslight me about FM's drinking problem, even though she has literally bought alcohol for her on demand whenever she visits. (Yes, FM has demanded that she buy booze.  How the hell is this not alcoholic behavior?). Now uBPDm is giving me the silent treatment and is instead "concerned" about FM's 'mental state.'  I'm just, of course, being a selfish brat.

As an adult, I know that I can't control either party's actions, nor is my boundary an unreasonable one, but it hurts that my parents would literally want to spend time with an abusive alcoholic rather than I.  Then again, I won't have to deal with the drama that will inevitably come from the FM's visit.  I guess that's a win?  It sure doesn't feel like one. 

[BlackArmoire]

It's been a while (almost a year) since I've posted.  But I need to get this off my chest and have some reassurance.  I was seeing a therapist, and plan to do so again, but life happened.

This post has to do with a family member (FM) and uBPDm.  About a year ago, I went NC with the FM in question because she posted some unprovoked, rude comments (borderline ethnic slurs) directed at me on social media and refused to stop.  This person has a history of treating me poorly, ever since I was young, to the point of assault. But moreover, she has, I suspect, a drinking problem.  She drinks alone and when she travels or visits friends and family outside of her city, she has to have some sort of alcohol. Right before I went NC, she had been calling late at night and texting me messages that made no sense whatsoever.  As you can imagine, they made me anxious and confused.  I went NC and FM had a fit, sending me extremely abusive emails before I managed to filter them.  But after I went NC, I immediately felt better and more positive than I had in a while.   

Now to the latest crap.  UBPDm still talks to her, which is her choice.  I did not tell her what FM said, only that I did not want talk to or about her.  Up until today, uBPDm had "respected" my decision, insofar as a borderline can.  Today, however, I find out that FM is coming for the holidays.  Due to her repeated behaviors and what happened a year ago, I do not want to spend my vacation with her.  I told uBPDm that I didn't feel comfortable with FM, so I would not be coming for Christmas.  Welp, she had a fit and proceeded to gaslight me about FM's drinking problem, even though she has literally bought alcohol for her on demand whenever she visits. (Yes, FM has demanded that she buy booze.  How the hell is this not alcoholic behavior?). Now uBPDm is giving me the silent treatment and is instead "concerned" about FM's 'mental state.'  I'm just, of course, being a selfish brat.

As an adult, I know that I can't control either party's actions, nor is my boundary an unreasonable one, but it hurts that my parents would literally want to spend time with an abusive alcoholic rather than I.  Then again, I won't have to deal with the drama that will inevitably come from the FM's visit.  I guess that's a win?  It sure doesn't feel like one. 

[Kwamina]

Hi BlackArmoire

Welcome back, though the circumstances that have led to your return are not that pleasant at all.

Being subjected to abusive behavior is very unpleasant and I totally understand your decision to set and enforce/defend boundaries with this particular FM and also you being very clear to your uBPD mom about it. Whether your mom or FM understand your boundary setting or not, protecting yourself and preserving your own well-being, I would definitely consider priority number one.

Your mom had been giving you the silent treatment when you posted this. Have you had any contact with your mom since making this post?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[BlackArmoire]

Have you had any contact with your mom since making this post?

Hi,

Thanks for replying to my post.  To answer your question, yes and no.  I was staying at my parents' house to visit; shortly after I made the post, my mother tried to escalate the situation by tossing papers at me because I didn't give in to her.  Historically, both my parents liked to push each other's buttons (as well as mine) to the point of shouting and violence.  I've worked hard with therapists to stop engaging.  Once I recognized the signs that she wanted a confrontation, I left the house and returned to my apartment.  we haven't spoken since.  I'll be cat-sitting for a friend this holiday. 

[Kwamina]

Throwing papers at you certainly does sound like an attempt to provoke you. It is very positive though that you were able to identify the signs, not engage and remove yourself from the situation

It is sad that your mother behaves this way, but you not engaging and leaving the house sends a clear message, though the way your uBPD mother interprets the message still might be distorted of course. Boundaries don't necessarily have to be verbally expressed, and through your actions you've communicated that you are not willing to tolerate this kind of behavior from her and also won't engage her when she behaves this way.

Is the silent treatment something your mom has applied with you before  in the past?

Even though I'm a parrot, I still hope you will enjoy the cat-sitting

[BlackArmoire]

though the way your uBPD mother interprets the message still might be distorted of course.

Yeah, probably.  But I've learned that anything I say or do can be distorted to uBPDm's advantage, so I'm always choosing my words carefully.  She has a lot of narcissistic traits, i.e., she is preoccupied with self-image, tries to associate herself with "important people," acts like she's "Mother of the Year" with strangers, but will abuse me in private.  

Is the silent treatment something your mom has applied with you before  in the past?

Yes, though it's what I call the "Silent Rage."  When I was child, but especially when I was a teenager and more able to defend myself, she used to give me the silent treatment for several days before either (a) I'd confront her; (b) she'd start screaming and raging at me and accuse me of trying to kill her (uh, no), of conspiring with several family members against her, and of wanting to go to a group home.  Mind, this is before I was able to see a therapist at university, so I didn't know what was healthy and what wasn't.  The confrontations would often result in violence on my end because that's what I knew.  Since I was probably three or four, I'd watch my parents argue to the point where my father would shove or even hit my mother.  He did the same to me until I became stronger than he and was able to hit him back.  (I'm female, but not physically a traditional size.).  Once I stopped giving them what they wanted, they'd replace the physical with the mental/emotional, i.e., calling me names and harassing me, even when I'd walk away.  (Of course, I was the bully.).  That's why I leave the house at the first sign of trouble.