Letter written, no reply, now what?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So, I sent the email to my sisters that I talked about here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341643.0

I sent it Monday. Still no response. My therapist said if I got a negative response or no response at all, my next step could be to talk to my parents. Just tell them what I did, that I haven't gotten a response and that the whole situation has been having a very strong effect on me. I don't want or need to know how my parents feel about it, but I would hope if my sisters came to them with negative comments about H, me, our situation, they would kindly stop the conversation, so as not to spread the bad blood (or whatever it is). I need their understanding and support.

I haven't told H that I sent the email and he hasn't asked, but I know he will soon.

He told me that his big fear was that I wouldn't get a reply. Well, that's happened. And I know this will be a big trigger for him thanks to the situation with his bio family just basically cutting off all contact. He will hate my sisters even more than he already does -- and that will likely bleed over into hating my parents, grandmother and my other sister (none of whom have done anything but be supportive). That's pretty much what he's said will happen.

Anyway, I haven't talked to my parents yet. Seems like in-person would be best for that, but there hasn't been a chance (they live 45 minutes away). I may have to call or write to them instead.

I know I can't base my actions on fear of H's reactions. I have to do what I feel is the right thing to do. But it just seems like this problem/saga never ends.

[Ozzie101]

So, I sent the email to my sisters that I talked about here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341643.0

I sent it Monday. Still no response. My therapist said if I got a negative response or no response at all, my next step could be to talk to my parents. Just tell them what I did, that I haven't gotten a response and that the whole situation has been having a very strong effect on me. I don't want or need to know how my parents feel about it, but I would hope if my sisters came to them with negative comments about H, me, our situation, they would kindly stop the conversation, so as not to spread the bad blood (or whatever it is). I need their understanding and support.

I haven't told H that I sent the email and he hasn't asked, but I know he will soon.

He told me that his big fear was that I wouldn't get a reply. Well, that's happened. And I know this will be a big trigger for him thanks to the situation with his bio family just basically cutting off all contact. He will hate my sisters even more than he already does -- and that will likely bleed over into hating my parents, grandmother and my other sister (none of whom have done anything but be supportive). That's pretty much what he's said will happen.

Anyway, I haven't talked to my parents yet. Seems like in-person would be best for that, but there hasn't been a chance (they live 45 minutes away). I may have to call or write to them instead.

I know I can't base my actions on fear of H's reactions. I have to do what I feel is the right thing to do. But it just seems like this problem/saga never ends.

[formflier]

Can you assume (for now) that this email is very important to you sisters and they've decided they don't want to respond in a rash or thoughtless manner?

It sounds like you spent quite a bit of time "thinking it through" before you sent it.  Wouldn't it seem wise for them to do the same?

Can you give them the benefit of the doubt?

I tend to be a process guy, so I have several questions that I'm brewing in my head.

Does your email system provide "read receipt"?

I'm proud of you for taking this step and opening a channel to your sisters.   

Best,

[Ozzie101]

That's kind of what I've been doing -- assuming they're thinking about it. That's why I haven't said or done anything about it yet. Yes, it is a possibility.

I think I'm just not sure what to do if/when H asks about it and I haven't heard yet. An "I'm giving them some time to think it through and answer" is likely to bring on an "you always defend them/make excuses" rant.

No, it doesn't provide "read receipt."

[formflier]

Gotcha.  I think you are doing well.

I've got to go check the membership rolls...but any chances you are a member of the overthinker/overfunctioning club?  (I used to be a member...but I've been trying to cancel my subscription)    

On the one hand it is good to "be prepared".  I took that to excess.  Does that ring true with you?

I think I'm just not sure what to do if/when H asks about it and I haven't heard yet. An "I'm giving them some time to think it through and answer" is likely to bring on an "you always defend them/make excuses" rant.

hubby:  "Hey...have you heard from sis about that email."

Ozzie101:  "Oh...I'll have to check.  Why do you ask?"

The second part is where I want you to think about the best way to ask your hubby and will likely take trial and error.

Axioms:

1.  You will check when you feel appropriate.
2.  You are open to understanding what your husband is experiencing.
3.  You are not open to accusations/circular conversations (but are gentle about it now).
4.  You have made a deliberate choice to avoid being anxious or acting anxious and you would appreciate your husband's support.  (this is about you)

What do you think?

Switching gears

Did you and your T talk about email versus a call?  

How did you tell your sisters in the first place?  If not via email, why not stick with that format?

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

I've got to go check the membership rolls...but any chances you are a member of the overthinker/overfunctioning club?  (I used to be a member...but I've been trying to cancel my subscription)

Yep. Card-carrying member!

Those axioms are good ones. H has made all this about him. His stress. His hurt. His frustration. I somehow doubt he'll be open to making the focus on me. He's under a lot of stress right now (legitimate stress with his family and with his career). This is one more thing hanging over his head and my procrastination on it is, to him, just adding to his stress.

Did you and your T talk about email versus a call? 

How did you tell your sisters in the first place?  If not via email, why not stick with that format?

We did talk about it. And I spoke to them in person originally. Given the downright hostility I experienced from one sister (who may well have a PD) last time and logistical concerns, we thought email would be best. Emailing one sister while approaching the others in person didn't seem right. It seemed best to do them all the same way. Also, I'm a better writer than talker and this would give me time to really think through my thoughts and share them in a clear, concise manner with the right tone. And not be thrown off-course by attempts to take over or make the conversation about them. That's what we decided on. A mistake? Possibly.

[Cat Familiar]

Why not follow up with a friendly phone call? It is the holidays after all. What if you frame it like you just want to hear their thoughts?

[Ozzie101]

That's an idea. I'd have to think of how to go about it. We never call so that would seem more "loaded" than with some other relationships. Odd, maybe, but we just don't really do that. We usually text or email. And I'm trying to get timing right -- like not push or basically chase after them for a reply, especially during crazy pre-Christmas time, but also not just let things go on indefinitely.

[formflier]

I'm on your side...remember!

How does this matter? 

Make things about you, not him.

Control yourself and let him (even if he does it badly) control himself.  I just might help you cancel your subscription!   

Those axioms are good ones. H has made all this about him. His stress. His hurt. His frustration. I somehow doubt he'll be open to making the focus on me. He's under a lot of stress right now (legitimate stress with his family and with his career). This is one more thing hanging over his head and my procrastination on it is, to him, just adding to his stress.
 

So..."go to him" about his legitimate stress. 

"Hey babe, I've got 30 minutes.  Any interest in a massage/chat to take your mind off (fill in the blank)"

Just don't entertain "helping" him with dealing with "your stuff".

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

Thanks, FF! I always appreciate your insight and your ability to help me think about things in a different way.

Make things about you, not him.

We've had three (or maybe four) years of my letting him make everything about him. Actually, that's a common thread for my life: put others first. Focus on others and their needs. It's only lately that I've realized that he continually makes situations about him and his feelings, even when it's a situation where I'm really at the center. He's only tangential.

It will likely bring on claims that I'm selfish and I don't care about him. Another common theme. But I'm well aware now that he knows that's a trigger for me and will use it to get a rise out of me or get me to act the way he wants.

I should be better about approaching him about his problems. And a massage offer is good. I often don't ask about the things that are stressing him (he has no hesitation in sharing and that can open the door to an hour-long rant) but if I can find a way and time to do that "safely," that would probably be helpful.

Just don't entertain "helping" him with dealing with "your stuff".

He did that early this week. Long story, but a mutual friend arranged for me to interview for a new job. We learned that there was some miscommunication involved (mainly on the part of the friend's boss). I was disappointed but not terribly upset. Sunday night, while I was showering, H sent the friend a strongly worded text about it. We had already discussed it and I said I would reach out to ask what was going on. H jumped the gun -- after having a couple of drinks that evening. That could very well have derailed his friendship and my chances at the job. And when he learned about the miscommunication in the first place, he was out shopping and called me to yell and vent about it (not at me). But there was no place in there for my feelings or wants or needs.

Is he affected by my job? Yes. It would mean a huge pay increase for me just when we're probably going to need it. But, ultimately, it's my career.

*sigh* Sometimes it really just beats you down.

[formflier]

So, going forward, don't share your professional life with him. 

Seriously.

Just don't.

Not easy, but that eventually happened in my marriage and yes it was painful.

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

Unfortunately, in this case it was tangled -- personal and professional. It was a friend of ours (H's college roommate so they've been friends a lot longer) who suggested it and he approached H about it first while they were out on a guys' night. Since this friend has been the point person, H felt like he could/should get involved.

A lot of professional stuff has been tangled, actually. My parents are friends with someone who's causing H trouble at work. My state is a small town.

But, yeah, going forward I'm going to do all I can to keep my professional stuff to myself.

[formflier]

"Hey babe.  Thanks for the job referral.  It means a lot to me.  Going forward can we agree to let all communications about this opportunity flow through me?"

If the answer is no, then decline. 

Perhaps even set ground rules with the other person as well.

"Hey, thanks so much for this opportunity.  I'm so glad you and H are friends.  If anyone in my family asks about my professional life, it would mean a lot to me if you could let them know to direct their question to me."

Something like that.

If you "start" projects/issues/relationships with boundaries in mind, it goes better than trying to erect them later.

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

Very good thing to keep in mind going forward, thanks!

[Ozzie101]

He asked about the email last night and I told him the truth -- I'd sent it, hadn't heard anything back yet, they could be trying to think of how to respond. He said that made him nervous and I said I understood but that if their response were violently negative, I know I would have heard something -- either from them or from my parents.

The conversation never fully derailed, thank goodness, though a couple of times he went quiet and said he was trying to keep it together and not fly off into a rage. ( ?)

He kept coming back to why they all got so upset. He thinks that my mother must have "stirred the pot" with my sisters. I really don't believe my mom would do that. I did tell one sister more than the other two. I'm guessing the three of them talked amongst themselves. And as I've said here and told him many times, I may have shared too many details with the one sister. That whole weekend, I was in such an emotional tizzy I can't really remember what all I said. He gets annoyed when I try to take blame for it, though, because he thinks my mother is the root of everything.

Anyway, I said I doubted we'd ever really know what happened and asked if it mattered if we did. He said it didn't. I said the best thing to do is live our lives -- independent of others' thoughts and feelings, showing by example that we're happy and doing the right thing. He agreed. Night ended fine.

He did bring up something that's long been a sticking-point and that we'll need to work through at some point, though. I'll deal with that in another thread.