Should I make a decision to leave my adult child?

[doch]

So I just got off the phone with my husband.  BPD Adult child is living with grandparents. Husband went to visit for Christmas.  I stayed behind with other adult child.  Apparently BPD son talked rude about me with my husband.  Made comments about the Christmas gifts I got him and his girlfriend.  Continues to talk rude about me.  Husband is fed up.  He is driving back home (12 hours).  Son just went to the mountains with girlfriend.  I set the whole thing up.  I can not do this anymore.  It is my husband who is battling severe depression over all of this with our son.  We want to retire but son does not work.  Says he will not work (age 25) college degree.  Son will lose my insurance in the next six months.  
This is a living hell.  He is belligerent to me and my husband.  Calls us really vulgar names (c*nt, c*cksucker) and then asks us for money to buy a house.  Son went to a therapist for 18 months who specialized in DBT.  How his girlfriend stays with him is beyond me.  We are in our sixties and this is slowly killing both of us with the severe anxiety and stress.  I hate to say this but we can not stand our son.  I know this is the disease but how long to do you suffer in order to appease him. Any thoughts right now would be greatly appreciated.  We are all living in hell because of our son.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

He's "Adulting" without the risks or responsibilities that entails.  Maybe it's time to let this 25 year old man really Adult?

This doesn't mean No Contact, or emotional cut-off, but letting go so he realizes the consequences of his choices.  

As a parent, this would be hard, but he's 7 years into adulthood. This cam be hard for someone struggling with BPD, who feels core shame, and that they are unworthy of love. Though the opposite dynamic, my mother finally refused to ask me for another financial rescue. She felt better dealing with her problems on her own, and that validated her.  She was "pulling herself up by her bootstraps." In the mid 80s, she even named our road, "Bootstrap Way." That her problems were largely avoidable and of her own creation is another story, but I suspect that's a similar issue with your adult son.

[Resiliant]

Hi Doch,

I agree with Turkish.

It's time for him to be cut off financially.  Are the grandparents willing to do so, or will they insist on enabling?

You deserve to retire, and you need to take care of yourselves.  He will find a way to survive, when it becomes necessary for him to do so. 

R