My wife has BPD and our friends are abandoning us

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all. I'm glad this place exists. I really just need to rant about how awful some so-called 'friends' can really be for people with BPD and their partners.

The background: My wife is a high-functioning autistic woman who also has BPD. She is the kind of person who has historically worked hard on dealing with her illness, and has led successful and stable relationships with me and others. When I joined her in the US, she had been part of a seemingly happy poly family for the better part of 20 years, was on meds and very secure in her home and life. We had a lot of seemingly devoted friends who looked to us as emotional role models and a very lively social life. She would have mood swings and was occasionally abusive when overwhelmed, but we would generally sort it out rationally after the fact. I moved from my home country to the USA to be with her and the 'chosen family' that was centered around her.

Over the previous decade, however, a series of tragedies struck. My wife's other partner of 25 years, the homeowner, began bringing in a string of mentally ill girlfriends. Each one caused instability and bought a lot of crazymaking into our lives. My wife suffered some deaths in her family, then other small crisises that began to stack onto each other. I emigrated to the US and we married, which meant she lost her disability payments and the mental health care that was inclusive of it. We struggled to find mental health care under our new insurance. She began to lose her grip on her mental health and became progressively less functional. Finally, her other partner decided that she was the reason he was miserable - he threw us out of our home of 10 years (for me) and 25 (for her).

I suddenly found myself the sole caretaker of someone with undiagnosed BPD. We had to couchsurf for a month before finding somewhere to live after the most shocking loss of our lives. At the time, I didn't know my wife had BPD, just autism. She rapidly deteriorated, losing her self-awareness and most ability to regulate her emotions. She can't work due to her disabilities, so I found myself the sole carer and provider of someone who was emotionally and verbally abusive to me while also dealing with my own trauma at the loss of the family I'd moved countries to be a part of. Anyone who has immigrated to a new country knows how difficult it is to find a decent paying job. I was working three jobs at one point to get us through.

It came to a head October 2019 when my wife pinned me in my home office and began screaming at me because I asked her a question about a videogame she plays. I realized then that no matter how good it had been in the past, this was an abusive relationship now. I left the house and went to a friend's place, and my wife promptly tried to commit suicide by swallowing a bottle of pills. She was involuntarily committed, and in the space of that time, we worked out a separation arrangement. The incident shocked my wife into wanting to recieve better treatment, as she was desperate not to lose me and our remaining friends.

Fast forward 12 weeks, and my wife has been committing to DBT self-therapy, and has literally just gotten out of a hospital outpatient therapy program to reinforce her self-directed treatment. She is still somewhat disregulatory - recovering from the worst trauma of her adult life (and mine) is going to take years.

The thing I did not expect from all of this was the way our friends have just abandoned us in droves. Since the house broke up and she and I have been struggling, we have lost friend after friend after friend. Some of it is because my wife has been erratic and lashed out at people when she was at her worst. But a lot of it is just attrition... not only people abandoning her, but abandoning me. While we were separated, I was alone and still working two jobs, and very few of our friends even thought to contact me. When my wife was discharged from hospital, she messaged one of them why we hadn't heard from her or her partner in over 3 months... and then that friend and several others messaged us back, one after the other, to tell us that they didn't want anything to do with us any more. My wife's message was not antagonistic or offensive, but it seems that since the suicide attempt, everyone around us now looks for the worst possible reading of things she does and and says.

I am devastated. I was already feeling terribly alone, isolated and with no one to talk to other than my therapist, and now our friends have thrown us away. We are trying so hard to heal from what we've been through, and my wife has been sincerely committed to her mental health journey, but I'm terrified by the potential setback.

I don't know what to do. These friends of ours were more than happy to speak to us and see us when my wife was able to be their 24/7 drop-in center and emotional support service, but when she most needs unconditional positive regard and support from her community, the community has abandoned us. We have known these people for between 10-20 years. Some of them have been suicidal, or dealt with abusive partners and other major problems, and my wife was always there for them during those times.

The sense of betrayal I feel is overwhelming.

[DanteDeo]

Hi all. I'm glad this place exists. I really just need to rant about how awful some so-called 'friends' can really be for people with BPD and their partners.

The background: My wife is a high-functioning autistic woman who also has BPD. She is the kind of person who has historically worked hard on dealing with her illness, and has led successful and stable relationships with me and others. When I joined her in the US, she had been part of a seemingly happy poly family for the better part of 20 years, was on meds and very secure in her home and life. We had a lot of seemingly devoted friends who looked to us as emotional role models and a very lively social life. She would have mood swings and was occasionally abusive when overwhelmed, but we would generally sort it out rationally after the fact. I moved from my home country to the USA to be with her and the 'chosen family' that was centered around her.

Over the previous decade, however, a series of tragedies struck. My wife's other partner of 25 years, the homeowner, began bringing in a string of mentally ill girlfriends. Each one caused instability and bought a lot of crazymaking into our lives. My wife suffered some deaths in her family, then other small crisises that began to stack onto each other. I emigrated to the US and we married, which meant she lost her disability payments and the mental health care that was inclusive of it. We struggled to find mental health care under our new insurance. She began to lose her grip on her mental health and became progressively less functional. Finally, her other partner decided that she was the reason he was miserable - he threw us out of our home of 10 years (for me) and 25 (for her).

I suddenly found myself the sole caretaker of someone with undiagnosed BPD. We had to couchsurf for a month before finding somewhere to live after the most shocking loss of our lives. At the time, I didn't know my wife had BPD, just autism. She rapidly deteriorated, losing her self-awareness and most ability to regulate her emotions. She can't work due to her disabilities, so I found myself the sole carer and provider of someone who was emotionally and verbally abusive to me while also dealing with my own trauma at the loss of the family I'd moved countries to be a part of. Anyone who has immigrated to a new country knows how difficult it is to find a decent paying job. I was working three jobs at one point to get us through.

It came to a head October 2019 when my wife pinned me in my home office and began screaming at me because I asked her a question about a videogame she plays. I realized then that no matter how good it had been in the past, this was an abusive relationship now. I left the house and went to a friend's place, and my wife promptly tried to commit suicide by swallowing a bottle of pills. She was involuntarily committed, and in the space of that time, we worked out a separation arrangement. The incident shocked my wife into wanting to recieve better treatment, as she was desperate not to lose me and our remaining friends.

Fast forward 12 weeks, and my wife has been committing to DBT self-therapy, and has literally just gotten out of a hospital outpatient therapy program to reinforce her self-directed treatment. She is still somewhat disregulatory - recovering from the worst trauma of her adult life (and mine) is going to take years.

The thing I did not expect from all of this was the way our friends have just abandoned us in droves. Since the house broke up and she and I have been struggling, we have lost friend after friend after friend. Some of it is because my wife has been erratic and lashed out at people when she was at her worst. But a lot of it is just attrition... not only people abandoning her, but abandoning me. While we were separated, I was alone and still working two jobs, and very few of our friends even thought to contact me. When my wife was discharged from hospital, she messaged one of them why we hadn't heard from her or her partner in over 3 months... and then that friend and several others messaged us back, one after the other, to tell us that they didn't want anything to do with us any more. My wife's message was not antagonistic or offensive, but it seems that since the suicide attempt, everyone around us now looks for the worst possible reading of things she does and and says.

I am devastated. I was already feeling terribly alone, isolated and with no one to talk to other than my therapist, and now our friends have thrown us away. We are trying so hard to heal from what we've been through, and my wife has been sincerely committed to her mental health journey, but I'm terrified by the potential setback.

I don't know what to do. These friends of ours were more than happy to speak to us and see us when my wife was able to be their 24/7 drop-in center and emotional support service, but when she most needs unconditional positive regard and support from her community, the community has abandoned us. We have known these people for between 10-20 years. Some of them have been suicidal, or dealt with abusive partners and other major problems, and my wife was always there for them during those times.

The sense of betrayal I feel is overwhelming.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

It is extremely painful to be abandoned that way. I'm so sorry, DanteDeo.

It's not an unfamiliar story around here. Many other members here have (for one reason or another) been cut off from friends or family and it's an awful place to be -- especially since it often happens just when we need support the most.

Unfortunately, we're all humans. And sometimes people react in ways that are not kind. And, also unfortunately, sometimes you're put in a position where, when people show their true colors, those colors aren't as beautiful as you thought they were.

I can't say why these friends turned their backs on you. It could be they were just users. Or there could be something else going on.

That is a difficult thing to recover from and it will probably take some time. One thing you can do is focus on yourself and build up positive things in your life. Do you have any hobbies or interests (even ones you've let slide over the years)? That can be a great way to help your own sense of peace and strength while also meeting new like-minded people.

No, it won't be the same. And it can take time, as I said. But things can get better.

Participating here can also help. We really understand the complexities of a BPD relationship around here. We're a great source of information and support.

Keep posting!

[pursuingJoy]

You've been through so much in the past few years, DanteDeo. I'm so sorry and can understand how you feel betrayed by your friends. Years ago I divorced in the church and went through something similar with friends and family who rejected me when I needed them most. People who aren't comfortable with their own pain find it extremely disconcerting to sit with others who are in pain. People respond from where they are, it often has little to do with us.

I know you know all of this, and understanding it doesn't take away the pain of rejection or betrayal. I just want you to know that I/we get what you're going through. I wish it was different. I wish you had more support in your caregiver role - I know you need it right now. I know you can find a handful of good souls that will meet you where you are. Does your therapist know any good support groups?

In the meantime, we're here.
pj