Trying not to lose my mind

[Wilkinson]

In my divorce, my wife filed false allegations with CPS.  She has masterfully employed parental alienation tactics.  Three of my four kids were willing to back up her story that I beat one my my kids.  The kid that the allegations are against says I did not beat him.  She kept them away from me for 80 days.  The GAL let me see them only under supervision, but allowed her friend to be one of the supervisors even though myself and my lawyer objected.  We went to court this week and the GAL was unprepared.  He had only heard from my wife's comrade, but had not talked to the third party supervisor.  I had found an activity that went really well and I was able to connect with the kids.  My wife spun the story to the GAL that the activity was my activity and displayed my ineptness in parenting because I couldn't listen to what the kids wanted to do.  She said it was not their interest.  I don't know what she told the GAL, but he told me to just not do that activity with the kids.

Our GAL is scaring the crap out of me.  He seems to be drinking my wife's Kool-aid.  I'm going to end up paying him $10,000 by the time this is done and he's not doing his job.

I'm trying to remain calm because freaking out is not going to do me any favors, but I'm struggling.  I'm trying to find activities that help me wind down, meditate, pray, but as soon as I'm done doing those my anxiety shoots straight back up worrying about what the GAL is going to say next.  I

[worriedStepmom]

That sounds awful.

What does your lawyer say?  Is he concerned?

Were you able to get the kids into therapy?

[Wilkinson]

I'm talking with my lawyer today.  I'm upset with her because I feel she dropped the ball on our last court date and is not standing up for me with the GAL.  My wife is a master manipulator.  I have been alienated from my FOO and they from my kids because I allowed my wife to do that.  She is taking them to a psychologist that she seems to have been able to manipulate onto her side and is enabling the alienation.  I can only see my kids through supervised visitation.  I cannot take them to counseling. 

I need to make sure my lawyer is concerned.  I tried to calm myself down by thinking of the worst possible outcomes and just working to make peace with those and it actually helped.  The one I can't make peace about is the idea that my wife has sole custody or enough majority that she can successfully abuse them with alienation.  It's severe and will have a lasting impact on them.  I don't know how to protect them from that.  I can handle what she wants to do to me, at this point, but it's killing me to see her emotionally torture them in order to hurt me.

[worriedStepmom]

Have you been able to meet with the kids' psychologist on your own?  Ideally, any T would be talking to both parents to get both sides of the story - or at least for both parents to discuss their concerns with the kids.

My friend with the NPDex said it took their therapist 6-9 months to figure out the true family dynamics.  At first she thought the mom was alienating the kids from dad, and she finally realized it was the other way around.  But, both parents were talking to the T at every visit.

[ForeverDad]

Of course no one wants to be limited to supervised visits, but in our high conflict cases it's worse when the supervision isn't monitored by a trained professional.  Check with your lawyer if you can have the visits monitored by a qualified professional who is required to file reports.

This may make you stuck with yet another expense but hopefully having an expert reporting on normal visits can get you off the danger list.  Generally supervision is a very temporary situation until the court is assured you are not deserving of such claimed limitations (substantive child abuse, neglect or endangerment).

Of course, this also means that the visits can't be in the presence of the other parent since that person could be a negative influence to the visit.

[Wilkinson]

Have you been able to meet with the kids' psychologist on your own?  Ideally, any T would be talking to both parents to get both sides of the story - or at least for both parents to discuss their concerns with the kids.

Only once.  I called earlier this month and he said he'd like to have a sit down with me, but couldn't get me in for five weeks.  So in 8 months, I'll have two visits.

[Wilkinson]

Check with your lawyer if you can have the visits monitored by a qualified professional who is required to file reports.

I am.  Her friend is charging me $65 to pay a babysitter for the two hours of supervision.  It's not much more to just get a qualified professional to supervise.  I talked to a potential supervisor today. I don't know why the GAL wanted her to supervise anyways.  My lawyer and I objected to it in the first place.  I hope the judge questions this.

[ForeverDad]

In my experience — 8 years in and out of domestic court — judges try to adjudicate the least amount of issues possible.  Perhaps it is in expectation that the parents will be reasonably normal and work out solutions for themselves.

Also I noticed much of the time when I was there in hearings that the court wasn't "on the record".  Perhaps it is was so the judges could have more latitude in their official "judicial discretion".  My impression was they preferred it that way, less is more.  Whatever the reasons, keep track whether your judge has you on or off the record.  Try to get the important stuff in the recordings so that it's logged if you need to reference it at a later date.