Feels like it’s over this time, and it hurts

[Kelbel]

My partner, who has not been diagnosed but I believe has BPD, and I (we’re both female, and will both turn 50 this year) have been together for over 16 years, living together for 14 years. I moved several hundred miles to live with her. It’s been turbulent, I think due to my partner’s issues BPD, with symptoms including difficulty managing anger and disappointment, and her fear of both engulfment and abandonment, and my poor coping skills.

I’ve been spending about half of my time away over the last couple of years because my mother, having recovered from cancer about 7 years ago, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease and I want to support her and also spend time with her while I can. My partner was initially very unhappy with this and my decision two and a half years ago to give up my job to become self-employed to do this (making myself ‘voluntarily poor’, and going to drag her down with me) triggered her total withdrawal from me for two months. When I forced communication by basically ‘losing it’ when I could take no more, my partner said the relationship was over. We reconciled shortly afterwards (I basically talked 'at' her about my experience of the relationship and probably pretty much talked her in to it, though it seemed she was happy to be talked in to it so it felt like the right result) and things have generally been settled between us for the last couple of years.

While away at my parents’ home last summer, our dog (who was there with me) was diagnosed with cancer. I decided to stay away to try to get him in to remission as while there I could access a substance not legal everywhere and not available to me where my partner and I live. It was a four-month plan, and I went home for a couple of days at a time every few weeks. My partner tolerated this for a couple of months. At the end of September, three and a half months ago, not having discussed with me her dissatisfaction with the situation (my not going home to her often enough or for long enough, her stress and resentment about the financial impact on her due to my income being compromised by being away - I believe she perceives my decisions as evidence that I love our dog more than I love her, and what she sees as my putting others including our dog before her has been an issue previously), my partner exploded and told me not to bother going home. I recognise that in hindsight I had ducked communicating properly about the plan and timescale involved to avoid disagreement, and I did understand her frustration. I did go home, and since then, other than for the last five or six weeks I have visited home several times, usually for 2-3 days every one or two weeks, and she has barely engaged with me and we have slept separately. While I have been away, since the explosion we have had limited communication via email, just about basic stuff like household finances etc.

Usually when episodes like this have occurred I have tried very hard to get my partner to engage with me to try to move forward, I’ve sent lengthy emails and letters explaining my point of view, and I’ve ended in forcing my partner to talk to me by becoming hysterical. This time has been different. Early on, I made a couple of attempts to get my partner to just spend time with me, and she refused. Since then I have more or less just let the situation sit. What’s worked in the past – ‘losing it’ – wasn’t going to happen this time, maybe due to the physical separation making the situation less intense and also because I recognise that this is not the healthiest strategy.

I’m at our home this weekend and this morning I approached her and told her we can’t carry on like this. She replied that she has nothing to say to me. I responded that we can’t carry on a relationship like that, to which she replied, when pressed, ‘there is no relationship any more’. I asked if she meant the relationship is over, that she is ending the relationship, she said yes. I said ‘I take that on board’, then ‘I wish you’d told me that three and a half months ago’, ‘maybe you can start talking to me now’ and ‘can you start thinking about how we go about separating from each other’. And that was it. My reaction to her was emotionless and in hindsight not very kind, and I regret it - she must be in a lot of pain herself, and I wish I had shown some of the sadness I feel and my concern for her, though I don’t even know if that would have been right. I think I probably should just have said less.

When I was alone in the bedroom, I sat on the bed and cried. I called my sister and cried to her. I went to meet a friend, and cried to her. I’m back in the house now and we have not spoken and are in separate rooms. I am due to fly back to my parents’ house tomorrow. I have thought about whether to start packing some of my stuff up but that feels premature and too final. We’ve lived in this house for 13 years. It’ll be a big job and I will have to come back here to do it. 

I had, before today, already tried to decide (I say ‘tried’ as I know I had not really committed to the decision) that once we had got back on an even keel, I could only continue with the relationship if my partner agreed to explore the reasons behind some of her behaviours. I did not expect her to go to counselling (she never would) but to just explore, be more aware, and think about how her childhood experiences have caused some unhealthy defence mechanisms. So the prospect of me actually ending the relationship myself was there in theory.

I love this woman so much. She had an abusive childhood and is burdened by feelings of guilt, and my heart bleeds for her. I have so many regrets about what I could have done better. Only six months ago she was being so supportive, and we were talking about getting married. I guess my decisions pushed her too far. I don’t regret my decisions, but how I communicated about them. Avoidance.

I know that this outcome is probably the best thing for both of us. But I’m ping-ponging between acceptance and hope that this won’t happen.

I don’t know what I’m looking for by way of advice. I don't know whether I want help with understanding what my partner wants (if it isn't in fact what she says she wants), or with turning this around and making this work, or with accepting her decision and managing my feelings going forward, or with deciding what it is I actually want to happen.

Sorry for the long post and for being so unclear about what I want! Any advice would be very welcome. I feel utterly miserable, for both of us.

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[Ozzie101]

I'm so sorry, Kelbel! You've got lot on your emotional plate with your mother's illness, your dog's poor health and your crumbling relationship. I can't imagine the stress and strain you must have been under.

I, too, am an avoider and have caused some problems with my H because of it. That's good that you can recognize it, though. Something you can work on?

Given everything that's going on for you, it's understandable that you're not certain what you want. They say it's best not to make big decisions while you're in emotional upheaval. Have you considered seeing a counselor or therapist yourself? It can be very helpful and insightful. Journaling is also very helpful.

And you can use this site as a "journal" in a way. Type about your thoughts and feelings here. Get them out. We can give input and just walk the road with you as you decide which fork to take.

You've got friends here!

[Kelbel]

Thanks Ozzie101, it's great to be able to say what I'm feeling and feel listened to by people who understand the type of experiences I'm talking about. I'm trying to be as honest as possible about my own part in things, and finding that hard as I have to own up to my own faults and mistakes!

Right now, I feel like I want to rebuild the relationship, but I know that is my heart and not my head talking. In any case I am not sure that my partner will ever want to reconcile - but it is so hard to tell. I guess the healthiest thing would be to not think about what my partner wants in terms of reconciling / not (I can't know what she wants or control it) and think about what I want. I am thinking about seeing a counsellor, and want to find one that understands and works with BPD and / or CPTSD issues. I did start a journal earlier today, and I think that will help, you're right. I will keep on this board too.

Anyway, thank you again for your words, and take care.

Kelbel
 

[Ozzie101]

Good moves, Kelbel. And you're right -- you have no control over your SO. What you can do is work on yourself. Think through what you want and what would be best for you. Build up your own strength so that whether this relationship continues or not, you'll be your best "you."