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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: I think he found his new supply and I have mixed feelings  (Read 661 times)
Lightandshine

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 26


« on: January 03, 2020, 04:10:50 PM »

Things have been ROUGH the past year and a half, but there has been bpd behavior all through our 6 year relationship but the past few years have been extremely dysregulated with verbal attacks, sleep deprivation, punching holes in the walls, throwing furniture, kicking me out in the middle of the night, using suicide threats to manipulate me, etc.

I began recovering from my codependency and ptsd and started focusing on self care this year after finding this site. While his highs and lows are less extreme now that hes on antidepressants, the bpd traits are still very present.

Hes obsessed with me "owing him". I've made some pretty extreme offers while fawning after being triggered by a verbal attack to prove that I love him. I am the only one working, do all cooking, all cleaning, and have used up my savings getting him things to prove my love. I'm getting better at standing up for myself and not submitting because I now know how that perpetuates the abuse. He still has a literal list of things I owe him for hurting his feelings.

Now, hes brought up some of those extreme offers again, even though weve talked about how alot of them are demeaning to me (me trying to punish myself for not being good enough). He remembers things I've offered over a year ago and calls me a liar for not having followed through and has a completely different memory of the situations than I do. Then yells at me for not taking responsibility for hurting him whe  I try to maintain my version of reality.

He gets very upset that we dont have sex as much as he wants. He always said he was going to cheat on me if we didnt have enough sex. When we got into a huge fight about how I "lied and broke my promise" about trying to have sex more, he went on a rant about everything else he thinks I've done to hurt him. I was crushed, and went into fawn mode again. Offered him to sleep with other people as a one time thing basis because I'm stupid and desperate. I told him this would hurt me but we should do it because it hurts him to get rejected by me. He said he did not want to do that.

Til months later when he has a tinder account because to meet just friends that turns into him saying I was ok with him having other girlfriends. I tried to be cool knowing that I did bring it up. Knowing that I dont have the sex drive he does.  The day before he meets up with someone I told him I was nervous. That I love him and dont want him to replace me. He got so mad and I told him I thought it was a one time basis when I brought it up and didnt realize we weren't on the same page until we discussed him seeing her. He told me he doesnt care how I feel about it and hes not going to let me get in the way.

My pride is hurt but I'm trying to find a way off this roller coaster without having the guilt of leaving and the haunt of "what if I stayed..."
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AskingWhy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2020, 04:23:42 PM »

First of all, I am pleased to hear about your addressing your codependency.   Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Reading your narrative, it's like your pwBPD is like my uBPD H.  

We have been married for over 20 years.  He is covertly incested his adult children from his first marriaged (from childhood), especially his adult Ds.

The sex issue is understandable.  I also have this issue with my H.  Then he blames me for being cold and unloving.  It's hard to feel close or caring when one's partner is raging out of control.  (My H, until only recently, punched holes in the walls, broke furniture and stabbed kitchen knives into cutting boards.)
I have been on the roller coaster for over 20 years.  Only about 5 years ago did it really dawn on me that my H has a real mental disorder, one that could be described and categorised.  

Only you can decide what to do or where to go in your R/S.  You know your partner is a very sick man.

pwBPD are hollow empty holes where a heart and identity are supposed to be.  My H does not know who he is and defines himself by his work (hard working and held in esteem), his military buddies (who visited brothels and got drunk when they were young), his uNPD X W who cheated several times and left him to marry a lover, and took the children.  My H is a different person when he is around each person from a friend or colleague, or an adult child.  Only with me does he emotionally beat me up with rages, threats, divorce threats and throwing objects.

If you are not in therapy, I suggest you find a good therapist who understands BPD.  I would not recommend couples counseling as therapists are trained to see both people as part of the problem, and this is not often the case when one person has BPD.

I shared this link on another thread.  It's about emotional and physical abuse.

https://www.doorwaysva.org/our-work/education-advocacy/the-facts-about-domestic-violence/types-of-domestic-violence/

« Last Edit: January 03, 2020, 04:28:45 PM by AskingWhy » Logged
Lightandshine

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 26


« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2020, 07:38:22 PM »

Thank you for sharing the link and for your kind words. I am not currently in therapy but I am trying to focus more on meeting my own needs. I realize that my pwBPD is incapable of a truly healthy relationship with me unless he seeks consistent treatment...which he really isnt.

I like your point about your husband changing who he is depending on who he is with. I can see how that also applies to my pwBPD and how he loves being able to help people with their problems (...then maybe use them against the person if he split black!). Hes kind and charming and handsome on a good day, so I know he uses that to woo ladies and he prefers  getting to be in the savior or teacher role. He hasn't been able to be that for me in a while.
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Cat Familiar
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2020, 11:21:27 AM »

I’m sorry you’re dealing with such extremely difficult and unpleasant behavior.

My first husband acted out like this with physical violence toward objects and me, in addition to verbal and emotional violence. He too, thought he deserved to have outside sexual relationships with women because my interest didn’t match his.

But realistically, how on earth can one be attracted to a man who is abusive, violent, doesn’t support himself, and who wants intimacy with other women? It’s a non starter.

You mentioned that you’d feel guilty leaving this relationship. Perhaps you can discuss your reasons.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Lightandshine

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 26


« Reply #4 on: January 05, 2020, 09:20:31 AM »


But realistically, how on earth can one be attracted to a man who is abusive, violent, doesn’t support himself, and who wants intimacy with other women? It’s a non starter.

You mentioned that you’d feel guilty leaving this relationship. Perhaps you can discuss your reasons.

It's true that our sex life began declining as the rages became more intense. How am I supposed to feel safe enough for intimacy?

But I'd feel guilty leaving because of how abandoned he would feel. He hasn't been able to work due to a neck injury and is still recovering. Hes gone through so much medically and emotionally the past three years and I feel guilty about leaving him at the lowest point in his life when I promised to love him forever. But I definitely cannot be in this relationship as-is forever. I want to know what it feels like to be respected by my partner.
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Ozzie101
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2020, 09:22:11 AM »

Hi Lightandshine!

Much of what you've written is familiar to me. My H was emotionally and verbally abusive up until about a year ago. He brought up the sex issue (threatened to have affairs) and, like you, I just wasn't interested in sex with him at that time. Why would I be, under the circumstances? And he also used the "You owe me" thing a lot. In our case, though, it was because he makes most of the money in our household.

Have you heard of or read much about FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt)?
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Lightandshine

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 26


« Reply #6 on: January 25, 2020, 01:18:25 AM »

Update...his new supply stopped responding to his messages and I got to see the idealization/devaluation swing as an observer. How clearly I can see how problematic his behavior is when I'm not the target of a rage.

But my pwBPD's abandonment wound has been triggered and hes feeling so down. I'm doing my best to focus on self care instead of trying to come to his rescue
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2020, 09:59:32 AM »

Excerpt
I'm doing my best to focus on self care instead of trying to come to his rescue

Good plan, Lightandshine! How did the weekend go?
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Lightandshine

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 26


« Reply #8 on: January 28, 2020, 10:55:34 PM »

Good plan, Lightandshine! How did the weekend go?

Hi ozzie, I've been doing pretty well. I've been vigilant about self care for the past few weeks now and it's really helping me cope.

Over the weekend, I was worried how my pwBPD would react to me not doting on his low mood but I didnt let that stop me from going to a workout class I've been wanting to try. There have been no rages in the past two weeks, but hes still making "little comments" - I am incapable of empathy, abusive, dont care about him because I'm not trying to solve his problems. But if I dont engage those comments he tends to just move on from them.
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jojo8786

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up/complicated
Posts: 8


« Reply #9 on: January 29, 2020, 03:54:06 PM »

Sounds like you're doing the right thing by taking care of yourself. I think getting a therapist would definitely be great for you and help you to build up your boundaries. It's important to have boundaries and understand that your happiness is paramount.

I also discovered that I was codependent and have been looking for unconditional love in my relationships with women, most recently one diagnosed with BPD but who has been treating it. I would do everything I could to please them while at the same time refusing to be abused. But I also ignored the fact that I had issues that I refused to resolve in myself, which is paramount to having a healthy relationship with anyone.

I think in order to get the most out of your situation is to continue to take care of yourself, get a therapist and not give in to the pwBPD demands. Showing that you take your happiness as a priority could be the key to surviving this whole ordeal.
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