Nothing Ever Changes

[DreamGirl]

It's been 15 years and I don't think much has changed.

I don't know if I'm okay with that or just dealing with the fact of the matter.  We only have one 17 yo child living with us (my stepdaughter) at this point... and I have been in her life since she was 2.  In all reality, her personality is more like mine than her own parents. Not that it's necessarily a good thing, just a statement of fact. She lives with us full time, by choice, but her mom still thinks child support is owed because... well not a reason in the world makes sense. We stopped paying it and she blessed us with silent treatment. I understand that because we never filed paperwork, we'd still owe it. Whatever. If that's what she needs to be right with the world, so be it. I'll pay it when the State of Colorado insists. It would cost me less money to just pay it than it would to get an attorney, argue that a 17 year old prefers to spend majority time with her dad and negotiate terms so that mom doesn't force her daughter back to her house...

I've also blocked the pwBPD in my life on social media and on my phone. That happened about a year ago when she sent me a particularly hostile text message that was pretty uncalled for. My boundary simply being that I don't engage in nonsense, especially from those whose opinion I don't really value. She can keep up with whatever it is that she does, I just won't participate in it. Her vitriol still seeps into my life, but at a scale I find is bearable. However, I just wonder if there will ever be a day where I am free of the turmoil that surrounds any event in life.

My older stepdaughters (20 and 23) seem to have a preference of spending time with their mom ----- which I took personally for a brief time, but I've realized that it's because they are at the point in their lives where bad decisions make a lot of sense and their mom is an emotional intelligence equal in a lot of ways. Accountability is rough and my husband and I hold our kids to a certain standard no matter the circumstance. For example, we just don't allow boyfriends/girlfriends to stay the night. I'm just not going to compromise my values to fit anyone else's needs. So if that makes someone uncomfortable in my house, I've accepted that is how it's going to be. I've found peace in the fact that I know that I'm practicing and expecting boundaries that represent my own value system. I've also conceded to the fact that 20-ish kids who don't want to hang out at my house is probably actually an OK thing.

I've just come to a point where I'm done.

Like beyond done.

I've exhausted myself in so many ways... and while it alleviated many situations, it usually meant my sacrificing myself while everyone else was benefitting. It's the martyr in me that was trying to do it for the greater good... but I just don't think I need to anymore.

Their mom is a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. That part I accept and understand. I empathize with a lot of what she is going through with my own ADD diagnosis... which can often parallel symptoms. Hello, poor executive control.

But she's also a person who is self serving. She's mean spirited to the point of maliciousness. She also doesn't have the capability to even be reasonable along with a willingness to lie.

 I don't want her to suffer. I don't want her to see the light. I don't want her to recognize the fact that we have bent over backwards and turned ourselves inside out to try and make sure that she was okay...

I want her to just not be a presence in my life anymore. And I say that without any hatred or resentment...

Just my being completely and unequivocally over it.

[livednlearned]

Amen to that, my green friend.

 

When the pwBPD is in your life by proxy it's challenging in uniquely complex ways. Especially when family members are enmeshed or working through whatever they're working through.

What does being completely and unequivocally over it mean? Is it an emotional milepost or something else?

[Panda39]

Hi Dreamgirl,

It's nice to hear from you.  I hear you, the whole thing just gets so old.  Fighting for the kids, what's right, picking up the pieces...

A peaceful drama-free life, that's the goal.

It sounds like you've hit a tipping point.  Anything in particular happen or is it just the cumulative...last straw on the camel's back sort of thing.

Glad you decided to check in here.

Panda39