Best way to help 23 year old BPD son

[gehar]

Seeking strategies for helping 23 year old BPD son who is living with us. Mental health system so far has not worked. Son has meltdowns, agitated, cannot hold a job and refuses to seek therapy. Don't want him homeless or in jail so we are feeling like hostages to his rage while we somehow hope he will get better. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome
   A few of us here have /had a similar story .  It is very frustrating when the adult child refuses treatment .  The BPD adult child isolating and not being compliant with therapy is a very common scenario. (As In Pleezhelp's' post,)

The reality here is there is hope as long as there are these realizations in place:
1. The answer is a case by case basis for each family.
2. The answer will not be quick .  Lots of trial and error and unchanged behavior on the part of the BPD adult child.
3. We cannot change the BPD adult child.
4. We are just as important as the BPD adult child.  This gets forgotten in the daily tornado of living with them.

Right now things in your household are in a dysfunctional stalemate as often happens , but knowledge is power.
~ If you son refuses therapy, it has been suggested by others that a mobile crisis unit could possibly come to the home ( if the son is agreeable to this).  It may be different enough for him that he would be willing . 
~As for you, it is strongly suggested you learn as much as you can about BPD
~Maybe seek therapy for yourself as well ( many of us here do this) .  It is important to have your own support system as a part of your own self care. In addition , please write here as often as you feel need. Please write back as you are able.
 

[Done-er Stepdad]

You feel like a hostage because you are one, as literally as if a gun was being held to your head -not discounting the serious suffering that your son is also feeling.

There's a book on Amazon called Emotional Blackmail that I found very helpful in recognizing and countering the manipulation you are currently enduring.

This forum is no place for jokes, but sometime with my own situation, it feels like I am trapped with a crazy hijacker who yells, "take this plane to Cuba, or I'll shoot myself in the head".