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isilme
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« on: November 25, 2019, 05:07:44 PM » |
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Oh geez.
So last year I had my feelings hurt pretty badly because my BPD husband who makes things out of leather told me he really wanted to make me a corset since he'd made one for a friend the year before for the renaissance festival but she and her husband took credit for it. He swore he wanted to make two, one for me, one for a friend's wife who helped him make the previous one.
I knew he'd be stressed, tried to say no, but he insisted, even mentioned how it's bad he's not made something for his wife but has for other people. I make my own stuff, mostly sewing, and in 20 years, I can remember asking for, or for help with maybe 2-4 items. We go almost every year, so that's very negligible, plus, I do ALL sewing for his stuff. All. And he needs sewing every single year.
So I came up with a concept and started buying fabric for this new costume for the ren fest, and even got a pair of custom boots in a nice blue.
Bear in mind, I had made myself something over about 3 years that I had been planning on wearing year after year, I did not have any desire to make anything new until he made it adamant he wanted to do this. I do not enjoy the rush to finish things before a stressful travel event.
Move forward a month into last summer, I ask for help with the design, and he pretty much gripes at me and yells at me and insults me each time. Ok. He's getting back at the couple from last year by being mean to me. Sigh. I keep trying, he tells me what I want will need a new process he's been wanting to try anyway, so ok. Thing is, I can't draw it, the leather has to be wet and stretched over a form to do this. There is no "pattern".
So I try to draw an end design, figure out how this works as far as tooling anyhting onto it since you can't do that then wet it - all the lines go away, and show him, with the friends over working on designing the 2nd corset he claimed he really wanted to do, and he blows up at me, tells me I did a bad job dawing some wrist guards (again, I asked for advice, leather doesn't work like fabric, I needed help, it was supposed to be a group project, but I got rebuffed) stated he just wasn't going to make me anything since I failed to meet his deadline and I didn't do my part. I was shocked, he was acting as if this was all my idea and I was the one who imposed on him to do it, and the insults and gaslighting began were to him I demanded it, was being unreasonable, was preventing him from working on his stuff - none of which is true. Comments about my weight were brought up, it's been a refrain over and over (turns out I've been quite sick, hence slow/no weight loss).
I begged the friends to not say anything, I knew it would only make it all worse, and in the end, found some fabric options for the new costume I was making for myself, and we went. It wasn't great as an outfit but it wasn't the worst, either.
I had been very hurt by having something offered then jerked away (how it felt), and again, he spent time finishing the corset for the friends, her husband and mind did the work (mine is now discounting how much work her husband did... sigh. He and I designed it, I helped with sewing as always).
I found myself crying when alone, and it reminded me of many times my BPD parents had promised things only for them not to happen. And was very much like my 2nd grade Halloween costume I never got to wear because my BPD mom who bought all the fabric, and never made it. I was actually grounded from trick or treating that year. I can't even remember why, and now wonder if it was simply so my mom would not feel bad for not having my costume ready. She didn't do something, so I got yelled at and punished. I remember finding all the fabric much later, still in the bag from the craft store, uncut, unworked.
This is also a lot like my BPD dad telling me to come to him for help with homework, and getting yelled at each time I ever tried.
Anyway, I typed on here, got my catharsis, and then moved on. I never asked about it, figured it was a moot point, he was never going to make me a corset, and fast forward to this year, I saw some thin leather at the leather store I felt was a decent price. It is small enough it will fit through my sewing machine, and I got it to work on for this year, but since the forecast was to be cold, I wore my old outfit instead so I'd have more time to think about what to do with it. He made me a phone pouch this year, which was nice, and I had not asked for it. I was fine.
With BPD I work to take what's offered but expect little or nothing. It is what it is, the most days I am ok.
Today he told me he saw a friend, showed her pictures of our trip and wants to make her a corset. A fleeting thought did go through my mind that of course, he's gung ho for anyone but me, but I banished it quickly, it's not worth it. It is what it is. I am also fighting one of my weird sinus reactions from the exertion last week, rather medicated with decongestants and running a fever, did not sleep last night between coughing and him having a cluster headache that had us both awake until maybe 3. I've not slept much since Monday last week with the cough and drainage. So I am frankly pretty numb today.
Anyway, I guess that fleeting thought telegraphed to my face and he jumped on me for about an hour during lunch in public that I had no right to have hurt feelings, I slacked off, I was a hypocrite, ugh, so much - he kept it low, and I am so non reactive from being drugged on Mucinex I guess I managed grey rock decently. He's revised everything in his mind to where he's done all the work on everything - he's done a lot, but I demand too much from him, make him embarrassed of things, I've changed since we got married to tell him how to have fun (what?), made some comment about how the friend has a great body so his stuff will look good on her and she offered to pay for it, said I never offered to pay him (we have a joint account? wth?).
Basically, I think telling me he realized he's still kind of a jerk for making major things for pretty much all women he knows, except me. I may get a pouch or two. He did a nice sword sheath that I did all sewing on. In fact, every single thing he's "made for me" I also worked on. So he had to blame shift. Meh. I'm really not feeling a lot about it except puzzlement. The damn gaslighting attempts and his revised rendition of life to be blameless really is concerning.
The great thing, after I stayed up to try to massage away the headache or take him tot eh ER last night, a very major gift for him arrived today. So he's been a bit of an ass today, and I'm giving him a gift intended for use over the holiday. So take that?
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