Stepdaughter and her mother both BPD, mother is also diagnosed bipolar

[Nefertiti]

I entered my step daughter's life three years ago when she was 15. She had my partner in and out of the emergency room because she was cutting herself and threatening suicide. At the time, I thought that she was just seriously distraught and needed some comfort, understanding, love, and support. I was in the hero phase of our relationship. Since becoming more familiar with her and the patterns in her behaviour, I have realized that she uses threats and cutting herself to control my partner and I, particularly when we are holding her accountable. Recently, my partner tried to explain that she had to stop missing so much school or there would be consequences (she has missed one day a week since September). She took out a knife and held it to herself with the most hateful look on her face that screamed, "look what you made me do!" I knew that we had a big problem. She had been going to DBT, and was doing a lot better, but her BPD / bipolar mom has gotten herself into a financial hole and desperately wants her daughter back under her roof so that she can claim child support again. She has been sabotaging our relationship with BPD daughter (stepdaughter has disclosed some of her conversations with her mom) and now has her convinced that we are horrible people. My poor partner has endured years and years of BPD abuse from the mother. She had an affair on him twice and still managed to blame him for both affairs, left him with their two daughters and the  tried to sue him for full custody, dragging his family through the mud in attempt to prove that they were not fit to watch the kids when my partner was at work. She controlled the money while they were married and gave him an allowance because she accused him of being incompetent with money. All the while, she was burrying them in debt and forced him into bankruptcy during the divorce. She has belittled him and treated him with contempt, calling him worthless and useless. She is just awful. So, we are dealing with two really unstable BPD people who have zeroed on us as their latest target. When stepdaughter moved in with us, she was desperate to get away from her mother. She even took a knife to herself when we said that we were not sure that we could manage her tantrums and suggested that we might have to send her back to her mom's. Last Thursday, she had a meltdown because we confronted her about not having done her chore by the time we got home from work (she had stayed home from school... again, and had all day to do one chore- unload the diahwashee). She had a tantrum, packed her bags and said that she was leaving to live with mom. Caveate: I am soft spoken and hate yelling... I refuse to join her in her tantrums and I try my best to be diplomatic when and empathic when she is in these moods, so this is all her - this is her whirlwind that we try our best to abate). So, now we have the two of them creating a huge, overblown BPD drama and I and my partner have not slept in about one week. I need to get off of this train but I am so afraid of your next big drama... no idea what they are going to do next. My partner and I have decided that BPD daughter is not coming back here. She has to figure he relationship out with her mom and we need some sanity. My partner is going to talk with her next week in the presence of her therapist. I hope that it goes well.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Welcome to the groupb]Nefertiti[/b]. I am glad you joined us. Your stepdaughter's behavior is painfully familiar. It is easy to find yourself on a roller coaster. You are wise to keep yourself centered and not take the ride. Self care must come first.