Help please - respond and if so, how? Mom sends crazy letter

[lakeaffect]

I made my first post recently explaining my background with my mom, and how we had a huge blow up when I saw her recently.  Even though I just buried my son a few months ago, and was in town to see my dying father, she made terribly hurtful comments and when I lost my patience, she screamed at me about hating her and stabbing her in the back.  She also screamed she no longer wanted to live, after a lifetime of threatening suicide.  I calmed her down and explained how hurtful her words and behavior are in a very calm way, and how this long pattern of behavior has led to me distancing myself.  I left and have not spoken to her since.
Today I received a letter from her and it is all about her and how much I hurt her and how now she knows why I don't like her.  She obviously heard and retained absolutely nothing that I told her.  I want to respond but feel like it's pointless.  But I also wonder if putting in writing would make a difference.  She's determined to hang on to this narrative that I avoid her because I don't like her instead of hearing what I say.  I feel guilty because she is a lonely elderly woman who is hurting.  However, I have no desire to set myself on fire to keep her warm.  I feel completely betrayed that she completely fails to acknowledge that I am dealing with the loss of a child while trying to make sure my other child stays well, as well as the impending death of my father. 
Do I write her or just hold firm to no contact?  I think I already know the answer, but it is so hard to accept.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome lakeaffect, 

I'm super glad you've joined our online family! You will find a lot of kind hearts and listening ears here. Share often, read posts and jump right in to respond. 

There are many things I'd like to share, but for tonight, I just want to say that I've been in your place more than once, and it can be so hard to hold on to any semblance of relationship  when all around is constant drama.

Tell me something that you are feeling right now. Are you tired? I think you'd be exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally depleated, especially with the loss of your son. I am so sorry for your loss. 

Guess what? Whatever you're feeling is perfectly fine, and I'm glad you're feeling it. It's okay to stop there and experience the feelings for now.

 
Wools

[Notwendy]

I am sorry for the loss of your child and also the situation with your father.

When my father was seriously ill and eventually passed away, my mother seemed to be even more cruel and abusive. She doesn't have empathy. I think the shock that she didn't show empathy for her grieving children wasn't that she didn't show it, but that, I think up to that point, I still held on to some hope or expectation that she might- due to the extraordinary circumstances.

For my mother, trying to write a letter, or to communicate with her about my feelings would be futile. I think it would help you to read about the Karpman drama triangle and victim perspective. My mother seems to be in constant victim perspective, sadly from her own difficult feelings which she perceives as being caused by someone or something else. There isn't anything I can do to change that, as it's her feelings and I can't control them.

I hope you have a support system- people who care about you who you can lean on during this difficult time. For me, it was my father's relatives and friends. Friends were more like family than my mother or her family. Yes, this is hurtful but there are good people out there- make them your "family". I would also suggest counseling.

I am still in contact with my mother, it is more LC. It's cordial, not emotional and distant. There is no point in trying to establish a bond with someone who isn't capable of that. I don't blame her, she's too mentally ill. She also has established a support system with her friends and her FOO that doesn't include me- which is good- she's much better with people who aren't as close to her. BPD is like that- it affects the most intimate relationsips the most and that's immediate family. She does have drama with her caregivers ( she's elderly). Once I was able to see my mother's behavior as not about me, but about how she is, it wasn't as personal.

Please take care of yourself. Write the letter for you if you wish, but don't send it. Seek support from people who are capable of being there for you.

[Panda39]

I just wanted to add, that I'm glad you decided to pause and think about this, rather than providing a knee jerk reaction that could escalate things.

It's a new day, how are you feeling about things today?

Panda39

[lakeaffect]

I woke early this morning feeling so angry about this.  Making it worse, she lives close to all my extended family and I know that she is telling everyone how horrible I am and they have no reason not to believe it.

She doesn't have empathy. I think the shock that she didn't show empathy for her grieving children wasn't that she didn't show it, but that, I think up to that point, I still held on to some hope or expectation that she might- due to the extraordinary circumstances.

^^^^^ I think this is what is upsetting me the most.  I really thought that with everything I have lost, maybe she could not make it about her and actually show some compassion.

I am considering writing her and not sending it.  But that leaves me feeling frustrated that my feelings don't matter, and the hurt she is causing doesn't matter.  I want her accountable for all the damage she is doing.  It is bothersome that I am being maligned to others when I have done nothing wrong.  To write the letter and not send it feels like a betrayal to myself.

My mother seems to be in constant victim perspective, sadly from her own difficult feelings which she perceives as being caused by someone or something else. There isn't anything I can do to change that, as it's her feelings and I can't control them.

This is exactly her, and I tried to point out to her that she is claiming victim status in her 70's for childhood abuse as an excuse to mistreat me.  She is unwilling to hear it.  Her victim status is too ingrained into her sense of self.  Now she considers herself a victim of me as well.  As I think this through, it's obvious I am powerless to improve or save this situation.

[Notwendy]

When my father's condition was deteriorating, I "lost" it with BPD mom. Yelled at her, told her exactly what I was thinking. Let out all that anger. It felt good in the moment.

Payback was hell. It threw her into super victim mode. She then set out to get revenge- badmouthed me to her family and friends, and to my father.

If your father is a rescuer type, he will step in and side with your mother against you. Considering that your dad may have little time left, it's not worth it. BPD mom eventually got over it, basically she doesn't recall anything she does and her way of getting over things is to pretend it never happened.

There are some mechanisms that keep my mother from processing anything she has done- first is victim perspective- she truly believes she is the victim and so is innocent. The others are projection and denial. She basically dysregulates to the point where it's gone from her  memory. This is how she has no awareness of how her behavior affects others. She is accountable, I don't consider her innocent. I just decided that it isn't worth it to try to show her something she isn't able to see.

Letting go of any resentment of her isn't about her, it's about me. It's a gift to myself to not let her behaviors bother me.  I now actually feel sorry for her. I hope in time you can see your mother with compassion, it would be a gift to you. See your father as much as you can, and let her be. Take care of you.