I hope I'm in the right place - my 17 yo son has BPD

[bubblebird]

 

I'm new to posting about our son's BPD. He is 17yo and quit school about a year ago, I guess. He was also, sadly, raped by his uncle in our home and his uncle is HIV Positive.  He was treated, but I still worry that he might have contracted it anyway. My son has been difficult since about 2 years old, was diagnosed by a child psychologist over a 3 month period as having ADHD and ODD at the age of 6.  It wasn't until a year ago with a new psychiatrist (when things were going very badly at home) that he was re-evaluated and diagnosed with BPD. He takes Lithium, Abilify, and Lexapro.  He can take Propanolol up to twice a day, as well.  I put the pills into little single dose sized bags for him, and we have an alarm set so that he takes it exactly at the same time every night.

He is also a constant pot smoker.  He is also gay.  He is the center of the world.  

As his parents, we're very tired. We've done this 100% solo for all of these years and I'm 100% convinced and trying to convince my husband that we will never have a life together of our own, that he will always live at home with us and need us to pay for everything because he can't work - he literally cannot do anything.  I don't know what's wrong with him - is that the BPD?

I have two older sons and I have never seen behavior like this before.  Things have always been so bad at home that now both older boys have moved thousands of miles away from me.  (I know it's not 'me', but I just really, really miss them and feel so guilty and bad that I didn't give them the life they deserved.)  

It's a very awkward place to be - having a 17 1/2 year old son with BPD and thinking that at this time you should be looking at your 'empty nester plans'.  Neither my husband or myself have ever spoken to anyone about any of this, and we don't have any friends, and no family nearby - not that they care to reach out to us, I suppose.

I don't think there's much of a future to look forward to for us.  For me.  And, man, I'm so tired.  I thought I was out of fuel when he was 12, then 15, 16 and now more than ever.  Does anyone else feel that way or am I just doing everything wrong, which is very likely?

Thanks for reading,
Bubz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi Bubz! 

I thought I was out of fuel when he was 12, then 15, 16 and now more than ever.  Does anyone else feel that way or am I just doing everything wrong, which is very likely?

You are not alone and we have lots of parents who have expressed similar feelings.  Things can get better over time as you learn tools that can help you cope and can help your son as well.  We have seen people turn things around in even the most dire of situations even if that means just working on you.

As for whether you are doing things wrong, I am not sure that is a helpful or even accurate way to look at things.  It sounds to me like you have done a lot for your son in terms of getting him help and support and that you love your son very much.   Rather than looking at things as being right or wrong, it can help to look at changing the way you do things if needed. 

Often what seems intuitive and what works with more neuro-typical people just do not work with pwBPD.  None of that is intuitive though and we don't know what we don't know.  For example, a lot of us will say something we intend to be supportive but it can be taken as invalidating, the exact opposite of what we want to convey.  I am just using that as an example though.  I have no idea if it applies to you or not.  Regardless, there are things we can do to improve communication, to learn how best to work with boundaries around us and our own behaviors and how to cope better so we can be more effective in our own lives.  All of this takes time though and we can help you with that in addition to supporting you.

Okay, I have rambled enough.  Please jump in and read and post.  You will see you are not alone and often when we help or support others we can get ideas on how to help our own situations.  So dig in, share, read. 

We've got you.

 

[livednlearned]

That's a tragic story for S17. I am so sorry for what he's been through, and for your older sons, too, and you, experiencing the side effects of that trauma.

If you haven't read it already, I highly recommend the book The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessell van der Kolk, MD.

Does your S17 accept that he has BPD?

My therapist once said to me that we tend to become what we believe. It's understandable that you feel deeply exhausted right now, especially when there is so much emphasis on launching your son into adulthood and he seems to be failing miserably. Remember that he is still a teen, and some of this is age appropriate. People with BPD don't seem to learn well from experience which is so disheartening for us as parents. Because of that, he will have to learn from real life experience, a much harder lesson deck.

Reaching out for support here is a sign you have some small hope that things may improve, and I truly believe they will for you, even though it won't be easy. Your son will not likely go eagerly into adulthood because it likely suggests a separation and dependence he is not prepared to process. But these kids can and do find their way, just not to the standard we may have once dreamt for them.

I have a son who has Asperger's and there are some parallels in how staggered the launch to adulthood is.

I do not focus on changing my son's behavior, I focus on changing mine. Same with my step daughter (BPD). And in focusing on my behavior, like Harri mentioned, the behavior of others around me slowly changes. It seems so counter intuitive and just plain strange.

SD23 had a psychotic episode at age 16, went through a phase where she was transgender, then gay, then bisexual, then non-binary. She was diagnosed with bipolar and despite psychiatrists insisting she be re-evaluated, she clings to bipolar, likely because she does not want to discover she has BPD like her mother.

I didn't think she would make it to college, but she did. I didn't think she could live with roommates, somehow she did. I didn't expect she would ever have a significant other, but she does. I never imagined she would graduate with a college degree and get a job in her field, and she did and does. Her dad and I are moving 3000 miles away and I was certain she would have a massive dysregulation, but she didn't.

Every day of her life seems dramatic and difficult and she did not go seamlessly through any of these difficult transitions. This is someone who sent a frantic text to her dad one night about not knowing how to open a can of beans. I mean, gah.

My advice is to reach out for support here and be kind to yourself.

What is one of the most challenging behaviors you're trying to cope with? Maybe start there and we can walk with you and chime in about things we've tried.