Partial reopening and BPD anger issues

[Mata]

My BPD mom lives in an assisted living community.  Due to COVID-19,  she has been on lock-down, no visitors, no going out for several weeks.  For the most part, this has been surprisingly okay with her.  It's been a nice break for me because I can't see her.  But now that our state is starting a phased re-opening, she is going off the rails.  Some businesses are allowed to open, but assisted living and nursing homes must remain locked down until the second phase, and there is no time line for when that will happen.  So now she is angry and taking it out on me, as if I can change it!   

Every day this weekend I woke up to long, ranting texts about how no one cares about her health (?), that she is going to put her dog to sleep since she can't take it to the groomer, and on and on.  She's really mad that she can't go get her hair done. 

The first day, I tried SET, sent her a text trying to validate her feelings of being lonely, frustrated and upset about the restrictions.  That back-fired.  The next morning she doubled-down.  So I didn't respond.  But her message bothered me all day.  I find myself JADEing in my head, if that makes sense.  It's like I'm still going in circles, thinking the arguments, but not expressing them to her.  Does anyone else do this?  It makes me feel crazy.  Maybe its just a habit I need to break.  At the same time I think I do it because I don't trust my own feelings sometimes.  It's like I have to fight off her crazy, even if its just in my head. 

Then this morning, I get this:  "I won't allow myself to continue venting to you.  I realize I have no rights anymore.  I have to live in this hardship and that's it.  I have no reason left to fight for."   I don't know if its worth responding to that.  I think I'm going to let it be.

I think she is just trying to bait me in so that she can lash out at me some more.  It seems like when she takes things out on me, it makes her feel better.  It's like she's lost control, but if she can make me unhappy, then that gives her control back.  I am tired of being used this way, and am trying to break it.  I find myself struggling to figure out when to use tools like SET and when to just not engage.  I guess it's trial and error.   

[GaGrl]

I can certainly feel your pain! It's quite frustrating right now, isn't it?

My 93 year old mother lives with us. She is not BPD but has a few BPD-ish traits from having lived with a uBPD/BPD stepmother from the age of 6. I get it, but my mom can still take me by surprise. She is just coming off a three-day silent treatment/pout for which I could think of a couple things that might have triggered her, but that are not going to change to suit her.

One thing I've learned is that, rather than JADE, it is better when my husband and I go about our day as if she is not engaging in silent treatment. It typically takes her 48-72 hours to work through whatever is bothering her. Frankly, she makes so many "suggestions" and asks so many questions that we really enjoy the peace and quiet!

When she "sits" with herself for a few days, I find that she self-soothes and moves back to her usual level of emotional regulation. However, even when she explains what triggered her, I can still get a snarky comment -- just like your mom's text. Your mom says she won't vent to you, but then she still does the poor, pitiful me routine. My mom still says she would move out if she could (she can't -- she is legally blind).

If you know that anything you reply will be met by another snarky text, you may want to let it alone.I

Are you able to drive to the facility and wave to her?

[Mata]

That's interesting that your mom also does the snarky comment thing after regulating herself.  With my mom, it feels like she always wants to get that last little dig in at me. 

I've been able to drop pet supplies and stuff off for my mom, and they allow her to come out and take them out of the back hatch of my car.  So I've been able to talk to her through the back of the car briefly a couple of times.  Her facility is hosting a drive-by parade this Friday, but I have therapy at the same time, so I'm not going to go.  I'm sure she will notice I'm not there and be mad at me.  But I need therapy more than she needs to wave at me.   

[Methuen]

Totally supporting everything you've said!

It's like I have to fight off her crazy, even if its just in my head.

Me too!  You're not alone!  It's like that awful nightmare at 3am that seems like reality, and hours later it's still going through your head.  Uge.  So for my sanity, I've develop strategies that work for me now:  if it's daytime I do something physical to work out all the bad energy - so that the muscles are exhausted and I'm breathing hard.  Walking, running, house cleaning, biking, gardening, flights of stairs in a building - whatever appeals to oneself.  Playing with the family pet?  Not only are the good endorphins released in the brain through physical activity, but it breaks that crazy ruminating loop our brain gets stuck in when we keep JADEing ourselves in our head (as you describe it).  The trick is to do anything that distracts our brain from that loop.  If I get stuck in the loop at night , I go on my meditation app (10-60 min usually does the trick, although a few weeks ago I was on that app for about 3 hours, but I was still in a lot better shape than if I hadn't been on the app).

Then this morning, I get this:  "I won't allow myself to continue venting to you.  I realize I have no rights anymore.  I have to live in this hardship and that's it.  I have no reason left to fight for."   I don't know if its worth responding to that.  I think I'm going to let it be.

 
Oh gosh.  That sounds like my mom could have written it.  Bit of a trigger for me. I think letting it be is ok, and necessary, for both them and us.  I do this now with my mom too.  Let her self-soothe right?  Just my opinion. 

I find myself struggling to figure out when to use tools like SET and when to just not engage.

I would do the same as you Mata.  Try SET or validating questions.  If that doesn't work, allow to self-soothe by not engaging.  Over time, they will learn to soothe themselves because nobody swoops in to rescue.  Rescuing doesn't work anyways for a multitude of reasons. I agree it's a bit of trial and error.  

The snarky comments are horrible.  I've had that with my mom my whole life.  It's aweful.  I've changed how I respond in the last 6 months.  Like you, I don't answer them anymore.  

 

[Mata]

Me too!  You're not alone!  

It's a relief to hear that I'm not the only one who get stuck in this loop! Thank you for your comments, I needed the reminder that I have to consistently engage in my coping strategies...every time she triggers me.  Sometimes I just forget this, or maybe I get lazy.    In my ideal world, I would be able to easily move on from her comments, without needing to take an exercise break, or whatever.  Maybe someday I will be there.

That sounds like my mom could have written it.  Bit of a trigger for me. I think letting it be is ok, and necessary, for both them and us.  I do this now with my mom too.  Let her self-soothe right?  Just my opinion.

I didn't end up responding.  Today she sent me a message saying she was feeling better.  So that's a good lesson that she can eventually self-sooth if I just stay out of it.
 

[GaGrl]

Letting my mother self-soothe was one of the hardest lessons/tools I had to work through.

[Methuen]

 

I didn't end up responding.  Today she sent me a message saying she was feeling better.  So that's a good lesson that she can eventually self-sooth if I just stay out of it.

yes yes yes