Step daughter having issues that are escalating

[Sdrogers]

My bf of 4 years 16 yr old has been having issues that are escalating the last 2 years. She started with suicidal comments when she was 13 and had a stay in a mental health facility. She has no goals, refuses to participate in mine and her fathers life unless it is her idea or she thinks she will benefit in someway... i.e. Christmas. Last month she got arrested for sneaking out with a boy who stole his sisters car. Following this incident she was sneaking alcohol in our home when she visited and not leaving her room. She is now on adderall and a antidepressant for bipolar. I have never seen this child manic so I'm pretty sure this was a rushed diagnosis as it was done over the phone due to coronavirus quarantine. Her mom who has her own mental issues has convinced her that her dad has abandoned her bc he came over to discuss her behaviors. He was thrown out of the ex wife house for bringing up concerns. Now the daughter is refusing to talk to dad bc I believe he is calling out her behavior. He has always enabled in the past and has just started to set boundaries with both of them. He feels defeated and sad and I am angry at her for lashing out at the only person who is trying to help her. She has kept us from getting married bc I was afraid of a lifelong sentence of rescuing and problems. How do u handle a relationship when u r treated like you are the enemy.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome,
 It is commendable you are in the trenches fighting for your stepdaughter. Your second to last sentence is valid ( re: holding up marrying the Dad) and there is no judgement here at all with your concern .  Maybe flesh that out  more for yourself. If you feel nothing but resentment and hostility toward her, she can sense those vibes and act out even more. Underage kids and parents are going to be a package deal .  You don't have to answer here but really think about your being willing to take this on. The next issue is can you and the father come to a consensus on  boundaries for your stepdaughter?  Being on the same page is crucial .  Do you also have a support system in place for yourself ;   If not therapy , maybe a 12 step program such as alanon, etc where they teach detachment and putting the focus on yourself.  Right now there are online, free meetings .