leftunsaid, I have been and am still where you are in a lot of ways!
It sounds like you are at the beginning of what will be a long road. I have been traveling this same road for a while myself...separated from my wife two years ago (when my daughter was 9 and my son was 5), and divorce was finalized last year. One major thing to keep in mind that this is a marathon, not a sprint, so you're going to have to pace yourself.
I won't kid you...the worry is going to be there pretty constantly--especially whenever the kids are with your ex. Try to maintain focus on what you can control and influence, rather than spend too much time on what you can't. Keep documenting. Dates, actions, recommendations or observations by the kids' psychologist...keep those records because they will help.
I don't know if it's an option for you, but you might consider having a parent coordinator put in place if you are having to share legal custody with your ex (regardless of how much time they are with him physically). This person can become a buffer between you two, and if you and your ex get deadlocked on a decision the PC can be a tie breaker whose sole responsibility is what's best for the children. You might not always like what he or she decides--as I haven't in my experience with my own PC--but the amount of angst that has been prevented by having a PC in place has been absolutely worth it to me.
those of you who have been through this what can you tell me about the kids end up managing? will they be permanently scarred?
I'm not all the way through this, but I can share what I am learning and what others have shared with me. Please know that you getting out of the marriage was probably the best decision you could have made.
A perspective everyone here will attest to is that by providing a separate normal, stable, loving home you are and will be helping the children immensely.
ForeverDad said it best. And it has been a hard thing for me to accept, too. Even though I can't be sure my kids are in the healthier, more stable environment with me all of the time, they at least see it and experience it with me, and will continue to grow to recognize the difference in what my ex provides.
It's stressful, even if you end up with exactly the result that you hope for. Do your best to take care of yourself during the journey.
And listen to
worriedStepmom...Self care is going to be critical for you to be able to deal with the antics and curveballs your ex may throw your way. Stay calm. Stay consistent. Don't get baited into the behavior that he thinks will get him what he wants. Hang in there!
mw