Understanding the Borderline Mother

[Parrots555]

Hi all,

I grew up with a BPD mother whose disorder resulted in physical, emotional, and psychological abuse. As my mother has gotten older (she is now 60), she has shifted from rage and violence to a sort of childlike neediness. This shift has been incredibly confusing for my brother and I, as we are both in the middle of trauma therapy to try and repair the pain of that time.

I'm wondering if any of you have read Understanding the Borderline Mother, and/or if you have any shared experiences in this vein. I'm blessed to have a sibling I trust and share this healing with but am always encouraged by others' stories.

[Panda39]

Hi Parrots555,

I have read Understanding the Borderline Mother, and suggest you check it out if you haven't already.

It sounds like your mom has shifted from what the book describes as a "Witch or Queen" to "Waif" like behavior. The fourth type in the book is "Hermit".

I think that your mom is taking on the "type" that is serving her needs best...getting her what she wants...at the moment.

I would describe my partner's undiagnosed BPD ex-wife as primarily a Queen (bossy, bullying etc) but if that didn't work for her and she didn't get what she wanted, she would switch to Waif behaviors (the victim, poor poor pitiful her).

I also see all of the types mentioned in the Borderline Mother being tied to what we call FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). How the BPD behaviors are used to get others to do what they want.

(One Panda's opinion) The Witch primarily uses Fear, the Queen can use all three Fear, Obligation, Guilt, the Waif uses Obligation, Guilt and the Hermit probably all three.

More on FOG: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

I'm so glad you have your brother and that the two of you are on a healing journey together.  You can validate each other's experience.

Where are things now with your mom, do you have contact with her? 

Panda39

[Turkish]

Have you read it?

BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

I found it enlightening, if a bit depressing and brutal. The author uses an example of a serial killer who may have had a BPD mother. 

I found it useful for explanations, but not so much for healing.