The cycle that does not stop- Please help...

[Hope32]

Hey,

I am seeking out support as I don't know what to do in my situation. I am about to crumble. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I will write bullet points to summarize my situation.

- Been together 8 months, moved in together 3/4 months into the relationship. (Love movie at first)
- We both were blindsided that we that we both triggered the other person's trauma (getting to close and vulnerable with someone else-moving in together was what did it)
- I did not know moving in with her would trigger my trauma around closeness and sexual trauma.
- She only feels confident through sexual relations. She is triggered by her abandonment and anxiety around relationship.
- She cuts daily and it is hard to be around constantly. (starting to feel resentful)
- She is SO hypervigilant. Even a slight change in my emotion, she picks up on and names it.. it's weird and not good at the same time.

The more time progresses, I get avoidant and she gets anxious which creates this cycle that is never ending. The more I get distance the more triggered she gets and get's anxious... and then I get avoidant. She asks MANY MANY questions for validation "are you in to me? do you love me? What's wrong? Did I do something? I am sorry? Would you be happy if we broke up? Do you want to be with me?"

I had to take sex off the table for now because it is so triggering for me right now though she is the safest person in the world. I am working on my trauma responses in counseling. She did not take this well at all.

We both trigger each other, both end up in fight or flight, she wants to talk then/I need time to process and come down, she gets more needy/clingy, I need space and getting so burnt out that I cannot even handle it anymore. I want to tell her that what she is doing is making everything so much worse. I need a break as I am currently broken down, depressed now, and just get so frustrated and angry which isn't me. The more insecure, needy/clingy, and asks me question after question... I become less attractive to her and feel I am falling out of love though I do not want to. What do I do?

I should note that she is VERY VERY high functioning, has been two the hospital a few times for SI, has thoughts of Suicide all day, and is too smart for her own good. She is supportive when the BPD part doesn't over take. She internalizes everything and I can't take it.

Also to note, I am a Clinician and have worked in Mental Health Services for 7 years... I have tried a lot of different interventions though I have nothing else... I can't continue living this way as it is changing who I am. I am so not in reality anymore...Please help me. Thank you so much for reading, it really means a lot.

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