More divorce threats

[AskingWhy]

My uBPD H says he is divorcing me in two years' time when he retires from his job. 

It's laughable, really.  H started getting in my face screaming at me and how he hates me, so I calmly told him, "Great. This gives me a good running start to find the best attorney in town."  He actually contacted me with his beer belly in a move to intimidate me.  I smirked at him in his rage.

For background, H was raging at me when I told him I did not want him yelling at our dog, who has bad allergies and sleeps with us.  She was chewing and scratching, and her long fur was getting on the bed.  H screamed at her and she was terrified. I came to her defense.  H angrily took his blanket and pillow and went into the living room couch to sleep, the BPD version of a tantrum.  He raged at me and told me he was divorcing me when he retires in two years.  (I thought to myself, "Great. There will be more equity in the house to split up," and he pays the mortgage.)

Something similar happened years ago when we had a little dog who was deaf and dying.  She was incontinent and soiled her bed in our bedroom, so she was pulling her blankets all over and making a racket.  H jumped off of the bed, screaming, "G*ddamn you, Fluffy!" and yanking the bed out from underneath the terrified dog, dumping her on the floor.  I ran to her side to defend her.  H rationalized that he was sleep deprived.  Yeah, right. That makes if OK to rage at a dog, then dump her on the floor.

Every action has consequences.  Right now I am silently thinking about one of his Ds who was hospitalized recently for a drug overdose.  I am snickering to myself.  H really doesn't see the his actions will backfire on himself or his family.  What goes around comes around. 

In the living room he continued to holler at me through the door.  I told him to look in the mirror in the morning and tell me what he sees, going to the heart of his BPD and their lack of identity.  I was very angry at what he did to the dog.  No time for empathy for him as he showed her none.

People with BPD lack empathy when they are in their NPD mode. 

I

[once removed]

it sounds like the two of you have been headed to divorce for a long time.

why not take the steps beyond phoning an attorney a couple of years ago. are you more comfortable in whats going on now, and been going on for years?

[formflier]

Every action has consequences.  

This is a very true axiom.  It applies to you and also your hubby...right?

I'm concerned because it appears that you are "pouring gas on the fire" or "baiting him", instead of taking action to calm a situation.

Can you see that point of view? 

Does it concern you?

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

My marriage counselor told me years ago that when he sees contempt in a marriage, he knows it's over, and he has almost no chance of helping the couple.

You have such contempt for your husband. It shows in your words, your deeds, your facial expressions, probably your tone of voice and body language.

And yet, when you found that he had contacted a family lawyer, you panicked and felt deep hurt.

What is really going on here?

Because it doesn't sound like you want to stay with him, but neither do you want him to be the one to end the marriage.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi AW-

I found this post kind of unsettling for several reasons.  I don’t want to anger you, my friend out here in the universe.  These days are hard... and even more challenging when faced with people who live with disordered and emotional thinking patterns.  I have my own highly sensitive ways of processing emotions... I know that now.  Only I keep most of this to myself and pretty much always have, so no one really knows.  But I digress.

So your little pup.  I’m sorry about her skin allergies.  You’ve discussed this issue before and how her allergies and scratching in the bed keep your H awake when he has to get up early for work.  Recently you made a post about your H working from home during the lockdown and how he opened a slider for fresh air and that set off your allergies.  You became angry at him.  How is what happened last night any different from what has happened in the past around the dog’s allergy in the bed issue?
 
Whose idea is it for your pup to sleep in the bed with you?  Dogs are trained how WE train them.  They adapt to our needs.  And WE need to adapt to our partners’ needs.  Are you adapting to the needs that your H has?   Requesting A good night’s sleep does not seem unreasonable.  His moving to the sofa for sleep does not seem unreasonable. 

Yes, divorce threats and mean words that accompany his relocation do seem out of order; but did you say anything at all provocative (to his sensitive ears) before those words left his mouth?  I’m NOT saying you deserved those threats.  Only wondering, with the level of resentment you hold toward your H and his entire family, is it possible something “mean” escaped your lips? 

If...IF this little animal is in the bed at your insistence, then this time you’ve got to accept responsibility for the fact that you put the dog in the position of being yelled at... when it was you your H was angry at.  Can you see that?  Without being angry at me?  Maybe I have this all wrong and the dog is in the bed at your H’s insistence.

And why?  Why does his D’s dangerous drug overdose that required hospitalization bring a “smirk” to your face?  Addiction is a serious illness.

You say you told your H last night to look in a mirror in the morning.  We, ALL of US, need to do this.  When we choose to spend time, YEARS in these relationships... we need to look ourselves in the eyes and examine what we own and what our partners own.  Some of the disorder and dysfunction is ours.  It has to be.  I think the majority of the “nons” here as they’re (we’re) called have our own histories of trauma and dysfunctional upbringings.  Lifelong stuff to work out... never done.  It’s never done...

And here’s my saddest worry for you, AW.  If your heart has grown so hard, and continues to harden by staying in this marriage, this family.., if you truly hold contempt for your H and wish for bad things for his kids, you NEED to leave.  Because if you DON’T... if you stay and don’t work on softening yourself and figuring out who YOU really are, who you WANT to be, how you want to FEEL ... then one day you will run into someone you haven’t seen in awhile.  An old friend.  And she will say to herself “My GOD, what happened to her?  When did she become so hateful...so ANGRY?” 

Do you want that to be how the world sees you?  This may be while you’re still with your H, or after he has delivered the divorce papers you REALLY DON’T want to have served to you.  I know you don’t want that.  It’s not the money.  It’s not about building up more equity in the house.  I believe you love this man.  And I do believe he loves you.  But the more he becomes convinced that you DON’T love him, the harder you are with him, the less reason he’ll find to stay.  I believe he’s truly struggling with this.  As are you.

And this, AW... this is how I saw your post.  But this doesn’t have to be who you are... you CAN change things and remain married AND be happier.  If you begin paying attention and put in some work.

I hope you will not be angry “at the messenger”.  I hope you will not disappear.  It would just be heartbreaking for you to look back and ask yourself “why didn’t I try...why didn’t I do xxxx ?”   

The Tools don’t work when the person is gone.  I changed me, and made my decision based on those changes.  Now I am Asking Why...

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[AskingWhy]

OR, leaving is easier said than done.  A few years ago, H encouraged me to leave a dead-end job because he said he would "have my back and support me" to set up my own business.  Well, it was difficult and now with the quarantine, a business loss. I don't have a retirement and H is now holding money over my head.

FF, yes, I see the fact that I played a role in this.  I stayed in the R/S for too long and now it's really hard to cut my losses and leave.

GG, I did not "panick" about the divorce issues.  It is still a very real possibility for me.  It's that one straw hanging on that has not tripped the trigger.  I am more calm about the reality my H is truly messed up, as his whole family.  I took me years to get over my own FOO, and it peeves me to have to tolerate his. Yes, my own FOO is full of dysfunction.  I was bad enough to recognize this, and H thinks his family is totally sane.  It's a twisted reality.

And Gems, thank you for your kind reply, but I am really just sick of the whole charade.  This drug addicted young woman did everything she could to separate her father and me, and I have very little empathy when she steps into a situation of her own making.  She made her bed, let her sleep in it.  You have no idea what untold agony she put me through, and the long hours of many tears I shed over the years. If I was less than empathetic, I have my reasons.  People need to suffer the consequence of their actions toward others.  In her case, I got no empathy from her at all.  It was sheer, red enmity.  I can't be codependent about her as I am already codependent enough with her F.

[formflier]

FF, yes, I see the fact that I played a role in this.

What do you see?

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

 This is a serious question and I don't mean it to sound unsympathetic for your situation, but I've been following your posts and the contempt you feel is very apparent. If it is apparent here, I assume your H can pick up on that too.

So, if he's aware of your contempt for him- why is he still married to you? What ( besides finances and obligation) could possibly be in it for him? You have contempt for him. The dog has replaced him in the bedroom. You don't like his family and you don't seem to like him.

[AskingWhy]

This is a serious question and I don't mean it to sound unsympathetic for your situation, but I've been following your posts and the contempt you feel is very apparent. If it is apparent here, I assume your H can pick up on that too.

So, if he's aware of your contempt for him- why is he still married to you? What ( besides finances and obligation) could possibly be in it for him? You have contempt for him. The dog has replaced him in the bedroom. You don't like his family and you don't seem to like him.

Thank you, NW, but I think you are misinterpreting.  H is using the dog to remove himself from me.  It's a form of withholding that BPDs when they want to punish their partners.  Yes, the dog and the fur are of concern, but it's a handy way for H not to want to work things out.

As for crazymaking, H this evening wanted to talk things over, so I did.  I was certain there was an understanding.  A few hours later, he was scowling and talking about divorce again.

[GaGrl]

How did that conversation play out? What is your recollection?

[AskingWhy]

How did that conversation play out? What is your recollection?

H was still angry.  I thought our conversation had cleared the air and he genuinely felt better after our talk.  We seemed to mutually express our concerns and have an understanding.

That said, BPDs are always raging under the surface.  No matter how I try, no matter how I put his needs first (codependent,  I know), sooner or later I get used as his emotional and verbal punching bag.

Reading this very recent article, I felt vindicated in what I feel about my H.

https://mental-health-matters.com/borderline-personality-and-abuse/#A_Wound_of_Abandonment_Can_Feel_Like_Psychological_Death

[Notwendy]

So, the two of you had a conversation that seemed to go well-------

But-- then what you wrote is that it really doesn't count towards progress, because, even if this one thing went well, he's really raging underneath and he's a mess and here is proof because this article says so.

So whatever actually happened is undermined and you feel vindicated.

Seriously- I don't doubt that he's difficult, but if what he does say or do is discounted, then he also can't do a darn thing right.

So, if you both expressed your feelings in what seems like a civil conversation, what are his feelings? What did he say to you? ( whether you believe him or not).

This is not asking you to be co-dependent or manage his feelings. It's simply about listening and reporting them. Imagine you are a news reporter stating what was said- the facts. He said his feelings are-------------------------

[AskingWhy]

NW, there is no such means of being a "reporter."  H will find a way to twist the facts.  He's BPD, after all.

[formflier]

I'm curious to understand the apparent resistance to "reporting" what your hubby said his feelings were. 

What "facts" are you concerned about him twisting and how do those facts relate to his feelings?

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

AW- what I meant was- you tell us what he said to you about his feelings.


This is a task for you. I want you to try to see things from his perspective. Even if he's BPD or twists things.

If he is threatening divorce, then he may have feelings about it. Yes, he has BPD, but leave that out of it for now. Let's just say he's a human being with his own feelings. What are they? ( even if they change from day to day).