Raging again

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

He's lost it again.  I have been in lockdown at my parents 1 1/2 months. 

I have seen him a handful of times when he drops of and picks up our dog.  I have been more than fair about this.  Giving him more than twice the time with her than with me yet he carries on as though it's this great injustice to him when I have her.

Yesterday he said he was going to come into the backyard (which I have to first unlock)  to see her and to drop off her medication which he forgot to include in her bag on Tuesday. 

He didn't show up when he said he would.  I sent 2 messages and phoned. All went unanswered.  Finally I send him a message telling him that we will need to do it another day and that he wasting my time by letting me wait (old thing of his, he always says my time isn't as important as his because I work from home).  He knows I have my hands very full helping to care for my father.  He can't just show up when he likes and I can't put things on hold until he decides to drive the 4 minutes over here.

He lost it when I told him not to waste my time.   He proceeded to tell me that I am f**ked up and that he could have been in an accident or been murdered.  I told him that I could see that he was online and not replying to my messages.   Therefore not dead or dying.  Then he raged at me that he was at home on his laptop while talking to an employee on the phone to try and sort work out.  Next breath - and this happens often - he changed his story to him being at a mall 25 minutes drive from home and on the phone with the employee.  This time sending messages on the phone instead of actually speaking to her.  Then not a minute later he claimed that it skipped his mind that he had told me less than 2 hours earlier that he was coming over. I didn't point these changes in his story out. Why ignore my messages?

He accused my of calling him vile names.  I didn't.  When he got here he carried on.  I walked back inside (I don't let him in due to lockdown and frankly I have become scared of him).  I didn't want to argue.

This morning I woke up to another angry call from him.  Again saying I called him names.  He was shouting. I hung up the moment he started shouting and cursing.  He sent a message to say he was on his way to see our dog.  I unlocked the gate and came inside.  He was definitely not driving here from home. Took too long. He has maintained his social life on a daily basis throughout lockdown.

What followed next was him knocking on the backdoor which I didn't open.   Then a number of times he knocked extremely hard on the windows.  It wasn't enough he was seeing our dog.  He obviously wanted to shout at me in person.  I am done with that. 

He got in his car and hooted long before racing away.  I always tell him to be quiet when he is here because my father takes naps during the day when he is fatigued. This was clearly spite on his part and not the first time.

All this was followed my angry messages.   Finally I replied by telling him that I won't communicate with him unless he is civil. I also pointed out that I didn't call him names.  This lead to him telling me to f off and get out of his life (I haven't lived at the house this year although my things are still there).  He then said it doesn't matter that I didn't call him names because my message about not wasting my time made him feel like he is those things he previously claimed I had called him.  Next he said that I am bad for his heart. I said nothing but was thinking of all the pain he has knowingly inflicted on me over the years without a care. He still doesn't acknowledge it.

I know how insignificant this probably sounds, but it's upsetting.   He had been nice in conversations over a period of days leading up to this.  I sense there is more to this and suspect he spoke to his ex from ages ago again.  That usually triggers him. Also, weed is in short supply at the moment and he practically chain smokes.

I am just tired.  I feel I am handling it right by not engaging, but it doesn't seem to be working.  Lockdown in some ways has been a blessing.  My life is stressful caring for my father as he can't take en one step without help.  Yet, I am no longer dealing with the daily upheavals and mood swings of having a bpd partner.  That has made life calmer.

[Perdita]

He's lost it again.  I have been in lockdown at my parents 1 1/2 months. 

I have seen him a handful of times when he drops of and picks up our dog.  I have been more than fair about this.  Giving him more than twice the time with her than with me yet he carries on as though it's this great injustice to him when I have her.

Yesterday he said he was going to come into the backyard (which I have to first unlock)  to see her and to drop off her medication which he forgot to include in her bag on Tuesday. 

He didn't show up when he said he would.  I sent 2 messages and phoned. All went unanswered.  Finally I send him a message telling him that we will need to do it another day and that he wasting my time by letting me wait (old thing of his, he always says my time isn't as important as his because I work from home).  He knows I have my hands very full helping to care for my father.  He can't just show up when he likes and I can't put things on hold until he decides to drive the 4 minutes over here.

He lost it when I told him not to waste my time.   He proceeded to tell me that I am f**ked up and that he could have been in an accident or been murdered.  I told him that I could see that he was online and not replying to my messages.   Therefore not dead or dying.  Then he raged at me that he was at home on his laptop while talking to an employee on the phone to try and sort work out.  Next breath - and this happens often - he changed his story to him being at a mall 25 minutes drive from home and on the phone with the employee.  This time sending messages on the phone instead of actually speaking to her.  Then not a minute later he claimed that it skipped his mind that he had told me less than 2 hours earlier that he was coming over. I didn't point these changes in his story out. Why ignore my messages?

He accused my of calling him vile names.  I didn't.  When he got here he carried on.  I walked back inside (I don't let him in due to lockdown and frankly I have become scared of him).  I didn't want to argue.

This morning I woke up to another angry call from him.  Again saying I called him names.  He was shouting. I hung up the moment he started shouting and cursing.  He sent a message to say he was on his way to see our dog.  I unlocked the gate and came inside.  He was definitely not driving here from home. Took too long. He has maintained his social life on a daily basis throughout lockdown.

What followed next was him knocking on the backdoor which I didn't open.   Then a number of times he knocked extremely hard on the windows.  It wasn't enough he was seeing our dog.  He obviously wanted to shout at me in person.  I am done with that. 

He got in his car and hooted long before racing away.  I always tell him to be quiet when he is here because my father takes naps during the day when he is fatigued. This was clearly spite on his part and not the first time.

All this was followed my angry messages.   Finally I replied by telling him that I won't communicate with him unless he is civil. I also pointed out that I didn't call him names.  This lead to him telling me to f off and get out of his life (I haven't lived at the house this year although my things are still there).  He then said it doesn't matter that I didn't call him names because my message about not wasting my time made him feel like he is those things he previously claimed I had called him.  Next he said that I am bad for his heart. I said nothing but was thinking of all the pain he has knowingly inflicted on me over the years without a care. He still doesn't acknowledge it.

I know how insignificant this probably sounds, but it's upsetting.   He had been nice in conversations over a period of days leading up to this.  I sense there is more to this and suspect he spoke to his ex from ages ago again.  That usually triggers him. Also, weed is in short supply at the moment and he practically chain smokes.

I am just tired.  I feel I am handling it right by not engaging, but it doesn't seem to be working.  Lockdown in some ways has been a blessing.  My life is stressful caring for my father as he can't take en one step without help.  Yet, I am no longer dealing with the daily upheavals and mood swings of having a bpd partner.  That has made life calmer.

[formflier]

 

I'm so sorry "the pot boiled over".

I wonder if "giving him an inch" has contributed to entitlement?  Think it might be better to split the time evenly and let that be that.

If he announces he is coming over and you have not said it's ok, I'm thinking it may be better to have a boundary for that.  He obviously acts like he doesn't need permission and it is obvious you would like him to only come when it works for you.

What do you think you can do differently?

Again..so sorry.  How are your parents holding up?

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

Hi FF,

I've been setting boundaries this year, but after 7 years of his needs always coming first he is getting pissy about this.

 I agreed that he could have our dog today for a couple of hours.  He came to fetch her minutes ago and announced he was only bringing her back at 7 tonight!  Waited until she was in the car to inform me.  He is going to have the whole day with her and then give her back to sleep here.  Tomorrow morning he wants her back for another week +.  When I objected about him keeping her the whole day he threw a stupid tantrum and went off at me calling me "unreasonable "!  I use to fall for this and feel bad.  Real bad for very long.
 Now I just look at him and see how pathetic it is for a grown man to make a fool of himself by throwing tantrums like a 5 year old. I don't want to be stuck with this for the rest of my life.

I am still working towards financial independence,  slowly but surely so I can afford my own house. He knows nothing. 

My parents are getting older by the day. Thanks for asking. My father can now only take a couple of steps with the walker and only with my assistance. Only to the bedside commode and back.  Lots of sleepless nights this week.

[Notwendy]

Hi Perdita-
I think you are doing well with your boundaries and staying with your parents.

You know we are all a work in progress, so I have a suggestion for you.

As long as the two of you are in each other's lives there is the drama of disordered thinking and how you will handle it. The dog is something both of you share an attachment to. I think it's kind of you to let him see the dog since he cares about her. You know though, that if he's chaotic, there will be some chaos and issues with boundaries.

He didn't show up when he was supposed to. That's annoying. You do have the option to reschedule- say " I can only meet you during these times" and if he misses them " I need to reschedule. I'm available between ____ and ____. Those are boundaries.

Here's where things went off- and he raged after this:

Finally I send him a message telling him that we will need to do it another day and that he wasting my time by letting me wait (old thing of his, he always says my time isn't as important as his because I work from home).

That's a trigger point for both of you. It's emotional baggage. His being late in a way ticked you off due to the "whose time is more important" and then the reply " wasting my time" was a trigger and you two were off to the races.

It will help to communicate with him in the most neutral manner possible. Like you were speaking to a customer at a store. "sorry you came after closing time but we open at 9 am tomorrow" sort of way. There's no baggage. Just the facts and politely. I think pwBPD are sensitive to feelings and voice tone.

And you don't need him to validate that your time is important. It is! Your time is more important to you. His time is more important to him. So- when it comes to dealing with him- own your time. Keep your time boundaries with the dog, be as flexible as you can ( as it's a dog and the dog can't make decisions for herself- so she needs to be cared for even if it's inconvenient). You will still need to take the emotional lead here and it seems you are doing well at it.

[formflier]

It seems to me the dog is the only "tie" that is holding you guys together.  Is that accurate?

What is the agreed on schedule for the dog (I've seen lots of talk about changes but somehow missed what is "normal")

Great advice from Notwendy.  Neutrality is key.

Back to the dog.  How often does he ask for a change and you say yes?  How often does he ask for a change and you say no?

How often do you ask for changes?


Regarding the situation with your father.  It's been several years since my Dad had a stroke and did long term care for over half a year before passing away.  I had never been involved with a long term care situation or known anyone who had.

It was a life altering experience in many ways.  Communication was hard because of the stroke.

How is communication with your Dad?

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

NotWendy, yes I am trying the neutrality thing.  It seems to confuse him that I don’t act anymore the way he expects me to.  Like he always boasts “I know how to push people’s buttons”.  Well, I am learning more and more not to let him do this to me.  I think he has noticed that he no longer has the ability to influence my emotions in the way he used to.  He knows he no longer has that control over me.

FF, before lockdown I would have our dog with me from 8 – 4.  She would then go home with him and sleep there.  Sometimes she would sleep here.  Since lockdown she was with him the first 2 weeks.  I didn’t see her at all.  Then he brought her to me – very sick.  Throwing up, runny tummy, eye ulcer.  She was here 5 days with me taking care of her.  I couldn’t deal with her and my father.  I told him to come fetch our dog, take her back to the vet for more tests and medicine.  He then had her for 4 days before he brought her back here for a week.  This was followed by him having her again for almost 2 weeks.  I don’t keep him from her.  I am flexible as I know he misses her (but so do I!)  He isn’t very flexible at all.  He keeps pushing for more and carrying on as though he isn’t already getting a lot more time with her than I am.  

He dropped her off 30 minutes late tonight.  I feel this was probably a test on his part to check my reaction.  I said nothing.  However, I send him a message before he left to say that I would be opening for them in the back.  Yet he came to the front door.  I didn’t know because I was waiting at the back.  When I walked out to the car I could hear him cursing again and then he banged on the hooter.  I could hear he was calling someone.  Not unusual for him to make calls in the car when he stops here.  Turns out it was me he was calling and cursing about.

When he finally noticed me (I was carrying a big flash light the whole time), he got out and went off at me asking why I didn’t open the front door.  I told him I send the message saying I would be at the back.  His attitude was very hostile.  

Once he was at the back with our dog he asked me how much longer I was going to treat him like he has leprosy.  Then he opened his arms to indicate that he wanted a hug, but there was no affection behind it.  It felt like a test to see if I would break my boundary.  He has been all over since lockdown.  Every day to the shops (more than once a day) and continues to socialise with family and friends.  I can’t carry on like that.  I have a compromised immune system.  My father is in the final stages of kidney failure.  My mum has her health issues.  It feels as though he wants me to put us all at risk simply so that he can feel in control.  I don’t believe this is a bpd abandonment issues.  This is the narcissistic side of him at work.

There are actually a lot of people in my position as far as caring for elderly parents.  I am on a support group for that and it is a very very busy group.  Very non-judgemental as everyone understand the toll it takes to have to put your life on hold and have to deal with the day to day struggles of caring for people that can’t do things for themselves anymore.  Covid-19 has made it that much harder to deal with.  I am not getting emotional support from him at all.  No understanding, no interest in what my life is like now day to day.

[formflier]

Perdita

How much do you want to see your dog?

How much can you see you dog?

What is the wisest thing to do about the dog for the next few months?

(yes was very intentional about asking those questions differently)

Keep that completely separate from the next question.

How would you like the dog dropped off?  (front, back or side).  I would pick something and stick with it.

I'm asking all these questions and helping you think them through because it seems obvious to me that all of these details are being used as a proxy for other issues and/or being used to somehow further the relationship. 

It's not "just" about the dog.

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

If the dog got sick at your husband's house, the house isn't any healthier for the dog than it was for you. You know the cleanliness issues over there.

[AskingWhy]

Perdita, I know things are back with the quarantine, but your dog needs you.  Your H is not capable of caring for her and she is now sick.  Is there any way you can have more time with her.

She is being used the way BPD people use their children, as gaming pieces in their perverse game. 

I am sorry you are overwhelmed with your own parents, too.

[Perdita]

Perdita

How much do you want to see your dog?

How much can you see you dog?

What is the wisest thing to do about the dog for the next few months?

(yes was very intentional about asking those questions differently)

I am a dog person, so I pretty much want to see her a lot.  I am at home every day except for when I go grocery shopping every 2-3 weeks.  The best thing is to divide her between the two homes.  She's used to being here as much as she is there.

Keep that completely separate from the next question.

How would you like the dog dropped off?  (front, back or side).  I would pick something and stick with it.

At the back.  Lately he has been going into the office in the morning and has dropped her off early in the front which is easier for me at that time of the morning.

I'm asking all these questions and helping you think them through because it seems obvious to me that all of these details are being used as a proxy for other issues and/or being used to somehow further the relationship. 

It's not "just" about the dog.

Best,

FF

It is about the dog for me, but I know he is using her to manipulate the situation.  After the way he carried on recently when I didn't go out with the dog when he came to fetch her - when he damn near broke the windows knocking - I have been close to warning him that I will call the cops next time he loses it here.  I have been biting my tongue though because I know I have to be careful how I precede.  I can't tell him to get out of my life while I still have my things at the house and no way to collect them at this time due to lockdown being very strict.  Also, I can't deal with a massive breakdown from him while I am busy taking care of my father.  In a way lockdown is buying me time and allowing me to prepare better, but on the other hand it also complicates things tremendously.

[Perdita]

She is being used the way BPD people use their children, as gaming pieces in their perverse game. 

That's exactly what I've been thinking.

[Perdita]

If the dog got sick at your husband's house, the house isn't any healthier for the dog than it was for you. You know the cleanliness issues over there.

I am scared to think what the house is like since I've been here in lockdown. 

[formflier]

Is the amount of stuff at his house a small Uhauls worth? 

Where do you want to take this relationship? 

Am I correct that right now "stuff at his house" and the dog are the two issues that tie you together?

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

Stuff is furniture, the usual personal items, my hobby items,  just about the entire kitchen etc. 

[formflier]

Stuff is furniture, the usual personal items, my hobby items,  just about the entire kitchen etc. 

Let's assume for the sake of the discussion that there were no covid restrictions. 

What would you being doing about dog and stuff?

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

Let's assume for the sake of the discussion that there were no covid restrictions. 

What would you being doing about dog and stuff?

Best,

FF

The dog would still be shared between us.  As for the rest, I'd be backing out slowly and making sure I've  got joint finances sorted as much as possible as well as my own.  Money is causing many a sleepless night for me.

[AskingWhy]

The dog would still be shared between us.  As for the rest, I'd be backing out slowly and making sure I've  got joint finances sorted as much as possible as well as my own.  Money is causing many a sleepless night for me.

The saddest but perhaps the most enlightening thing about awareness that one's partner has BPD is how empowering it can be.

We did not cause it, we cannot control it, and it's not our problem to take on.

The pain and sadness are sharp at what our partners do to us.  We are innocent victims and our only fault is usually the role we play as codependents.  We become punching bags.

Be strong, Perdita.  Awareness is the start.  It's painful to awaken to the fact that nothing can change our partners.  We cannot save them from their internal demons.

[formflier]

The dog would still be shared between us.  As for the rest, I'd be backing out slowly and making sure I've  got joint finances sorted as much as possible as well as my own.  Money is causing many a sleepless night for me.

Can you tell me more about your financial ties?  Does he provide $$ assistance? 

Best,

FF