Communication is a issue

[GetMyLifeBack20]

I believe my H is uBPD with NPD traits. One of our hot topics is communication. I went from being open to him about everything from early on (missed that that was a red flag if early on they want to know everything about you and proclaim they wish they'd met you years earlier or you are perfect ~~ thank you screwed up childhood for wanting to be lovee that bad) to have it thrown in my face many times later when things don't go his way and continuing for our going on 15 years together, for who my family is, every mistake or bad choice I've ever made going back as far back as one can, to every difference of self I am is bad. Notably when it comes to my child from a previous relationship things are tense. I am a get along for the sake of the child so they don't turn out screwed up type, since my father was absent. I stopped feeling safe to tell H even little things (like switching a schedule) because of his nasty tone and body language just by mentioning child's father or stepmother. He says I should listen to his words and maybe I'd understand instead of worrying about how he says something. I've tried to explain that tone and body language have the power to take charge of the whole conversation. The smallest things that have to do with her other parent so I get anxious at even the little things. I tried to change this in the past year and instead of waiting 2-3-4 days I face my discomfort to tell him no matter what it is, I tell him the same day. And it still almost always turns in to an argument. We are having major relational stress in the past year that only is exasperated by his distrust, paranoia, and monitoring of me for any sign of being dishonest or not forthcoming. He doesn't remember me telling him things and swears that I did not. Even if I give him as many details of the conversation that I can. Sometimes he'll admit he remembers then, but others he swears I didn't tell him. I do not make-up conversations in my head to pacify him. If I don't tell him something and know I didn't I admit it and apologize. So today another one of these things occurs and he calls me to tell me I didn't tell him and this is always a problem. I am about 95% confident I did tell him and remember the conversation pretty clearly. I say 95% because he has me doubting myself all the time. Then he goes on to text me about me thinking he's trying to start an argument for him calling me out on something and that this comes up a lot between us, me thinking I told him something when he knows I didn't and he isn't sure why that is.

The sad part is, he doesn't tell me much about anything on his side unless I ask. So I'm wondering if on top of his lack of trust as a whole is part of the problem or if some of it is a projection on how he is in our relationship or what he's been capable of in his previous marriage or is it really warranted since I had come to have issues with telling him every detail of every interaction and day? Probably a combination I'm sure.

I feel completely deflated, anxious, and sad to the point of physical symptoms and depression. I've had major health issues in the past year and I attribute it to anxiety from our relationship stress.

I know I have become somewhat (putting it mildly I admit) codependent in this relationship, always trying to keep the peace. I now am disgusted at the thought of any conversation with him and the fact that this whole "we are one" I can have no opinion that isn't his, I have to do what he wants on all accounts or I don't care about him, am on time limits with relationships outside of him - friends or family, no hobbies or likes or dislikes that don't line up with him or his taste for fear of verbal annihilation.

Thank you for reading. Mental disorders are so deflating and miserable for both the afflicted and affected. 

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[Bythelake]

Hi,

I am new to this website and I think my boyfriend might have BPD with the same traits as you mentioned.

I am commenting to tell you that you aren’t alone. At the beginning of my relationship he made communication very clear with me too. I can relate to what you wrote. He is really bothered by me not agreeing to his opinion. He gets really upset when he doesn’t get his way.

I am so mentally and emotionally drained by the relationship having to adjust myself so he doesn’t have an outburst.

Thank you for sharing your story.

[GetMyLifeBack20]

It definitely is draining. I feel I've lost myself. The same self that took me years to build up and not be a victim of my upbringing. Ugh!