Trying to leave -- help

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone,

I'm trying to leave my undiagnosed BPD girlfriend. I recognize that the relationship is not good for me. But I'm in love with her. I'm addicted to her.

I think I know why I'm addicted. The highs are VERY high. And also, intermittent reinforcement. She's never predictable. One day she loves me. The next day she's calling me awful names. And so I find myself off-balance, constantly wondering what she's doing, what she's thinking. I often feel like I'm losing my mind. (Before meeting her, life wasn't perfect, but I think I lived a fairly content, well-balanced life.) Is this why I'm addicted? Do other people with BPD loved ones find themselves feeling that addiction? Do others start to feel like they're going crazy?

I tell myself that I want to remain friends with her. Because not even being friends would really hurt her. But I don't know if it's possible to be friends. We can do it for a few days, but then we end up being romantic again. We have this crazy pull over one another. Is it possible to just be friends? What should I do?

[Kaufmann]

Hi everyone,

I'm trying to leave my undiagnosed BPD girlfriend. I recognize that the relationship is not good for me. But I'm in love with her. I'm addicted to her.

I think I know why I'm addicted. The highs are VERY high. And also, intermittent reinforcement. She's never predictable. One day she loves me. The next day she's calling me awful names. And so I find myself off-balance, constantly wondering what she's doing, what she's thinking. I often feel like I'm losing my mind. (Before meeting her, life wasn't perfect, but I think I lived a fairly content, well-balanced life.) Is this why I'm addicted? Do other people with BPD loved ones find themselves feeling that addiction? Do others start to feel like they're going crazy?

I tell myself that I want to remain friends with her. Because not even being friends would really hurt her. But I don't know if it's possible to be friends. We can do it for a few days, but then we end up being romantic again. We have this crazy pull over one another. Is it possible to just be friends? What should I do?

[formflier]

What should I do?

Well...you should spend some time here sorting out realistic expectations for the future of your relationship.  Either as friends or romantic interests.

You obviously ,have a basic understanding of the dynamics going on so I would encourage you to stick around for a bit and sort out your part in all this.  That's the first step to help you decide what you want to do...going forward.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

You're correct about these relationships triggering the biochemical pathways in the brain that are linked to addiction. Here's an article about the biology and neuroscience of breaking up

Certainly she is someone who is very compelling to you right now. How would you feel about these behaviors continuing for the next 5 years? The next 25?

Can you imagine growing old with a person who treats you the way she does?

[Kaufmann]

No, I cannot imagine myself growing old with a person who treats me this way. But I want to remain her friend, because I do care about her. But how to remain friends with someone with whom you have such a strong romantic chemistry?

[formflier]

As you have experienced, it might not be possible.  Both parties have to be consistent about what they want in a relationship...for the relationship to be stable (regardless of friends/romance status).

Am I correct that from your perspective "she is not stable in what she wants"? 

When you are in the "friend zone" is it possible that she is perceiving mixed messages from you?

Best,

FF

[Kaufmann]

Her desires are inconsistent. One day, she's in love with me. The next, she's cursing me out, texting another man.

Could I be sending her mixed messages? I think she knows that I'm always in love with her. She has power over me. When she feels lonely, she just has to call, and I come running.

[formflier]

She has power over me. 

Can you share more about this?

Best,

FF

[confusedbybdp]

 
Hi Kaufman!

We all are (or were) stuck in the same way that you describe.  One (hopefully helpful) piece of advice I have from my past experience with my exuBPD bf is to think about some of these issues:

1) have you lost a big piece of YOU in this relationship?
2) what is the VERY FIRST thing you think about when you wake up in the morning?
3)  how much time during the day do you feel anxious and/or confused?

One thing I think is very common is that as we continue to relate to a person in our lives who has BPD our thoughts and lives revolve more and more around them - their chaos, their problems in life, their reactions, their anger, etc. etc.  Sometimes it seems that all we think about is THEM!  That is part of their manipulation - whether it is purposeful or not.  It makes for a very one-sided and unhealthy relationship.

Best wishes to you as you try to figure this out!
 

[Palinurus]

Hi Kaufman!

We all are (or were) stuck in the same way that you describe.  One (hopefully helpful) piece of advice I have from my past experience with my exuBPD bf is to think about some of these issues:

1) have you lost a big piece of YOU in this relationship?
2) what is the VERY FIRST thing you think about when you wake up in the morning?
3)  how much time during the day do you feel anxious and/or confused?

One thing I think is very common is that as we continue to relate to a person in our lives who has BPD our thoughts and lives revolve more and more around them - their chaos, their problems in life, their reactions, their anger, etc. etc.  Sometimes it seems that all we think about is THEM!  That is part of their manipulation - whether it is purposeful or not.  It makes for a very one-sided and unhealthy relationship.

Best wishes to you as you try to figure this out!