Feeling hopeless

[K9Serenity]

Hello. I apologize for the size of the font, the tools will not let me decrease it.

I'm not sure what to write for a first post. I am overwhelmed and feel hopeless. I have a 31yr old daughter with 2 sons...5yr old and 2yr old. My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and bipolar with ADHD as an adult. She is also unofficially diagnosed  with BPD.
I am extremely attached and love dearly my grandkids and live in constant fear of what they will be exposed to next. My daughter is unstable. She is quick to impulse and this includes moving in with different men or quitting a job on the spot. They all three currently live with me. Having moved in early March, I can tell she is getting anxious to move. She has been talking to a couple old boyfriends that are drug abusers and violent. She is back to drinking more regularly and smokes thc using her medical marijuana card.
I feel distraught knowing that every day I wake up may be the day she decides to take to children and go. These kids have emotional problems from all the situations they've been exposed to. Children's services had been called twice but never intervened because the abuse is not physical.
The 5yr old has lived in 8 different places with her and he lived the first 2.5 years of his life with me because she just left him.
 The 2 year old has lived in 6 different places, including with me. They need stability and structure.  The 5yr old should be starting kindergarten.
I've put my life on hold over 6 years ago when she got pregnant with the first. It was a high risk pregnancy due to drug and alcohol use throughout the pregnancy.  I was going to school for my master's degree but left that behind and ever since I have done nothing but work, give her money, and pick up the pieces of their lives every time she makes these spontaneous and irrational decisions that affect all of them poorly.
The kids' father is equally as destructive and they are with him 2-3 days a week.
I feel that I've exhausted all avenues for help in intervening and getting these children help. My heart hurts from the moment I open my eyes in the morning until I can fall asleep at night. I feel hopeless and distraught. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi K9Serenity:
I'm so sorry about what's going on with your daughter & grandchildren.

Have you thought about go for custody of them?  Is that something you would like to do?

Children's services had been called twice but never intervened because the abuse is not physical.  I feel that I've exhausted all avenues for help in intervening and getting these children help.

If you haven't been documenting the issues, as they happen, you might do your best to back tract to document some past events & then events going forward.

I'm thinking that the entirety of all the issues could bring a lot of weigh towards declaring both mom & dad as unfit to have custody of the children. Abuse is not just physical.

Who contacted Children's Services in the past?

[mggt]

I agree with naughty. This is such a tough situation your in. I’m sure you want to help your d. But ... the grandkids are your first priority. Unfortunately our children sometimes are past the help we can give them. They will not accept it.  They don’t understand how dangerous it is for our little gc.


Do what you have to do. To protect those little angels. No guilt. Just love.


Sending hugs from one nana to the other.

[Sancho]

I identify with your situation completely. It is so complex. I have been dealing with it ten years now, since the little daughter was born. Picking up the pieces is a great description of what life becomes.
It is not so easy to just call child welfare agencies. There is no guarantee they will act to move the children to a safer place and in doing so you risk completely alienating your daughter and not having contact with the children. That's been my dilemma for all these years - and still is. I think it is so important to be somewhere in the children's lives - even if they move out. Then it becomes the issue of how, when you can see them, just to keep the connection. I know there is a lot of theory re setting boundaries etc, but sometimes you have to work through with what is your situation.

[Sancho]

Just rereading your post. I think you have been/are the one constant in the children's lives. They have been with you, moved etc but they know there is someone in the world who is there just for them. You are amazing for what you have done/are doing.

[grandmas boy]

Hi. I can't figure out how to change text size either. I have a 29 year old dbpd. I also have 2 grand kids,9&7.  My dbpd has lived with me most of that time. She is a single mother and told her I would be for her to help her when she told  t she had an abortion scheduled. I became disabled and live with pain daily. But my grandchildren have been my reason for living. I love them like my own, I recently told my dbpd that she had to move. I can not take the stress of the name calling, yelling and blaming me for everything wrong in her life. Since I have told her to move she has taken my grand kids away from me. They are not allowed to be in with me except for when she works and needs me to babysit.I am devastated. My 9 year old grandson has dyslexia and I have educational rights for him. I have been by his side since kindergarden and had to get an advocate and an attorney. Just last week I finally got him some help and got his IEP in December of last year. He is struggling with school and starting to have some emotional issues. I got him private tutoring which I am hoping she will let me take him. It has caused numerous problems with my other 2 kids as they think I should try to take them from her. They think she is a horrible mom. I tend to agree. I would take them in a heartbeat, but I do not think it is that easy. Like you said too, she does not physically abuse them. Jest verbally. She has stolen my pain meds many times in the past and I now have to lock them up in a safe. Many things similar to everyone else's story. I have done tons of research and reading to try and help her. I feel like I have been so much better not triggering her or walking away. sometimes I literally run out the door and leave the house to get away from her. She is intimidating and mean. I would love to hear from anyone that has gained custody of their grandchildren. It all seems so hopeless. She has had a therapist and has went regularly. It doesn't seem to help. I feel bad to say this because I love my daughter, but I am most concerned about my grand kids. I am beginning to see issues with them. My grandson is asking to go to a therapist. My daughter is scared if he goes she will get her children taken from her. She hates that they prefer to be with me and it infuriates her. I have been the one to take them places, have friends over, volunteer at school. You know all the things a mom normally does. I am trying to detach myself from her, which if I'm being honest is not too hard. But my grand kids would be left all alone. She also has a boyfriend she moved in without asking and he is not great with him. I feel like I am going crazy. I question my own sanity because she tells me I am crazy. I know this is all too familiar. At this point everything I do is for the kids. I do feel relief that she will be gone but am worried that when they leave she will have to find someone else to be her verbal punching bag as I have been for the past few years now. Does anybody out there have a success story when it comes to grand kids?