When they find out you are enjoying part of the relationship...also some FOMO

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So...on the one hand..undeniable and massive improvements in my relationship over the past several years.

On the other hand, some parts of my relationship are resistant to change.

One area:  If I consistently express satisfaction or enjoyment of doing something with my wife...it's often (more often that not) a kiss of death for that activity.  

Whereas...if I'm neutral or act like I'm be dragged into it, she seems to enjoy it much more.

Case in point.

Beekeeping has been on standby for several years since moving off the farm.  We used to enjoy it and it was my favorite activity (compared to goats, cows, horses and all the rest...ducks were a close second..those guys had personality)

Anyway we really were together on getting out the boxes and putting them on Mom's land (near us).  We had been making steady progress...she said she like it..I said I liked it.  Togetherness...joint activity...I really was enjoying it.

Then...she see's something on the internet.

https://youtu.be/ADPaZ8w1Umg

And...if we can't do that...there is no use, since beekeeping was so awful..such a pain...who would want to do that again...(sigh)

Then she realizes she doesn't have the money for it.

She said it was "only" $500 and if I gave her that everything would be wonderful (she really asked nicely)

Well...it would make more sense to buy it out of the farm business so I got to looking into it more..rather than give her the $$ and...it's not $500.    It's $887 and likely $49 shipping and there are hints of other charges.

The first couple reviews I clicked on talked about poor build quality.

I'm completely intrigued by the idea and would love to have this as an aspirational goal to "graduate" up to this someday and I'd love to do more research.

She now seems really put out..is threatening to cancel the bee order...

I'm open to change I would hope, especially since we got together and started going down this path together...that we could wait until we are both "together" on the wisdom of change.

Que the laughter out in the crowds...  I get it..that's an unreasonable hope..but that's where I am.

Feeling a bit defeated...

Best,

FF

[formflier]

So...on the one hand..undeniable and massive improvements in my relationship over the past several years.

On the other hand, some parts of my relationship are resistant to change.

One area:  If I consistently express satisfaction or enjoyment of doing something with my wife...it's often (more often that not) a kiss of death for that activity.  

Whereas...if I'm neutral or act like I'm be dragged into it, she seems to enjoy it much more.

Case in point.

Beekeeping has been on standby for several years since moving off the farm.  We used to enjoy it and it was my favorite activity (compared to goats, cows, horses and all the rest...ducks were a close second..those guys had personality)

Anyway we really were together on getting out the boxes and putting them on Mom's land (near us).  We had been making steady progress...she said she like it..I said I liked it.  Togetherness...joint activity...I really was enjoying it.

Then...she see's something on the internet.

https://youtu.be/ADPaZ8w1Umg

And...if we can't do that...there is no use, since beekeeping was so awful..such a pain...who would want to do that again...(sigh)

Then she realizes she doesn't have the money for it.

She said it was "only" $500 and if I gave her that everything would be wonderful (she really asked nicely)

Well...it would make more sense to buy it out of the farm business so I got to looking into it more..rather than give her the $$ and...it's not $500.    It's $887 and likely $49 shipping and there are hints of other charges.

The first couple reviews I clicked on talked about poor build quality.

I'm completely intrigued by the idea and would love to have this as an aspirational goal to "graduate" up to this someday and I'd love to do more research.

She now seems really put out..is threatening to cancel the bee order...

I'm open to change I would hope, especially since we got together and started going down this path together...that we could wait until we are both "together" on the wisdom of change.

Que the laughter out in the crowds...  I get it..that's an unreasonable hope..but that's where I am.

Feeling a bit defeated...

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I call that sort of oppositional behavior, being a “polarity personality.”

I’ve experienced this when I’ve mentioned that my husband really liked something, only to have him tell me, “Not so much.”

I think it stems from a lack of confidence in their own opinions, their judgment, their personal worth. And by trying to pin him down, he squirms away.

Often the next idea he will entertain is that I’m going to judge him negatively for liking this thing, so therefore he doesn’t like it, never did, and absolutely won’t in the future.

I’ve experimented with saying the opposite of what I think—“You don’t really like that?” And he has countered with an affirmation that he actually does like it.

So complicated trying to get into their heads...  Nowadays I just do what I want and if it conflicts with what he wants, then he can let me know...and he will.

Good luck with the bees!

[5min]

It's like we are not allowed any joy or happiness. I see the same thing. If I like what we do together, then she does not or later tells me how that time together was drudgery or painful, or how I ruined it. The same with any success. U BPD w becomes so jealous that she tears it down. U BPD w saw my office which is not all that, but then took over the tv room in the house as her office. Moved out the couches and in what was my desk. The same with hobbies. I am not allowed to fly or go to the range because I enjoy that. If she goes along, it is not therapeutic. 

[formflier]

It certainly does seem that way.

Based on what I know of BPDish things...it's more likely that their feelings have rapidly changed and they have dramatically different feelings about the issue/thing/whatever that we did when our feelings matched up.

It's likely that way rather than a thoughtful effort to be difficult or deny happiness.

All that being said, they certainly can lack awareness or empathy that their feelings have changed and/or that change has negatively impacted us "nons".

Best,

FF

[zachira]

It is frustrating and heartbreaking being married to a person that wants to make you as unhappy as she is. I think your wife is saying that she is unhappy, and gets upset that you don't feel unhappy like she does. The challenge is to not feel her feelings for her, while allowing yourself as many moments of peace and happiness as you can.

[Enabler]

This has happened many many times with me and my W. The dynamic for me revolves around invalidation. When she or I 'get into' something, we both tend to feel like we know something about it. We both tend to become experts. That said, out 'expertness' tends to go in different directions. Like you FFsW, my W tends to think 'getting into' something, and being an expert means you need high end kit. Take mountain biking for example. My W would like the best kit possible and if she see's someone with better kit, the current kit is no longer worthy... in fact it's positively holding her enjoyment back. Things must also be fixed and serviced by professionals. If you don't own a shop... you don't know what you're doing. me on the other hand will put together any old clobber and enjoy a ride on the bike I have. Typically it was once a good bike, but seen some action and is likely appropriate for the amount I use it and my standard. It has some annoyances but it doesn't so much impact my wide and I certainly don't blame it for me having a small cardiac arrest up the smallest of inclines.

So, with this dynamic, 'comments' will come out which I found triggering... like "these boots (brand new, worn once) won't do for hiking, I really need some new ones." (I typically look down at my own 15yr old boots and think "how rude"). Then additional comments will be made about how things are to be done or handled. Things can't be done half measures either. Going for a ride can't be a nice medium length ride, noo it has to be miles and miles and up a mountain or something full on.  By the end of the experience there seems to be a whole raft of little niggles, nags and general 'I'm more of an expert than you are's', that the whole thing seems to be somewhat unenjoyable.

[Enabler]

Re the beehive, how many pots of honey would you have to harvest from each hive to recoup the cost of the hive?

500x?

[Methuen]

On the other hand, some parts of my relationship are resistant to change.
One area:  If I consistently express satisfaction or enjoyment of doing something with my wife...it's often (more often that not) a kiss of death for that activity. 
Whereas...if I'm neutral or act like I'm be dragged into it, she seems to enjoy it much more.

So I've experienced some similar issues with my pw uBPD.  At the back of my mind, I am considering the possibility of some ODD (oppositional defiance disorder-adult), or something called Pathalogical Demand Avoidance .  From my reading with the latter, there is some overlap of strategies compared to BPD, but there are some nuances.  A health care professional brought the latter (PDA) to my attention.  It doesn't fit with my mom, but the demand avoidance part kind of does.
 Here's a link, to see if it might fit with your situation:
https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-pda-menu/what-is-demand-avoidance/
I have huge respect for bees, and for beekeepers.  Hoping the problem gets worked through and resolves for you.