Is this uncertainty common or unusual?

[annabelle lee]

hello...i don't know if this is the support group for me. out of curiosity, i just read "understanding the borderline mother" and found myself sobbing as i recognised traits of my mother matching the witch profile. she protected my sister and adored my baby brother while i was the scapegoat, responsible for everything from a lost mitten to destroying her marriage. much of her behavior was secretive, behind the scenes - whispering to my younger sister that i was "the devil" after a childhood squabble, or privately misrepresenting a situation to my father that would result in my punishment. i think i meet the criteria for the no-good child, but i am unsure whether she could be considered borderline. while i believe she possessed 5-6 characteristics of the borderline personality, i am only guessing that she had feelings of emptiness and made efforts to avoid abandonment. is this uncertainty common or unusual? is it rational or a form of denial? any feedback would be appreciated.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am so sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us and decided to post.   We get it here and can listen and support you as you seek answers to your questions.

I think it is fairly common to doubt a possible diagnosis of BPD for our family members.  Part of that is because you can't really know what beliefs underlie the reactions and behaviors we see.  There are a lot of disorders and ways of behaving that have similar behaviors, ranging from addiction to personality disorders to co-dependency and depression.  So I think you ask a good question.  I was never sure what my mom had though she had enough behaviors that seemed to fit the criteria of BPD traits (at least) and I went with that.  I used BPD as a framework in which to understand my mother and even my own experiences with her.  It was a start and gave me something more concrete to work with.  As I've learned more over the years, my understanding has changed some of my thinking and confirmed others.  I guess what I am saying is it is okay to have doubts.  It is okay to use BPD as a stepping stone.  It is okay as long as you do not become too invested in a label that you ignore other possibilities or begin to think all pwBPD (people with BPD) are like your mom.

Whew, that was a ramble!

Anyway, post when you can, jump into other threads as you feel comfortable and do some more reading.  Like I said above, we get it here.

Again,

[gotbushels]

annabelle lee  

Welcome. I join Harri in supporting your discussion here.

I also felt uncertainty about the behaviours and their underlying reasons. If you think it through and experiment with the framework you're using to understand your M and your FOO—you'll find that you'll often get more certainty as things play out how you expect them to play out.

E.g. There's this idea that; if the non (you) behave with relatively more structure and assertiveness in your discussions with the BP in your life—then the BP will act out. When they do act out in the way that's expected—then you know that the framework has that extra tablespoon of accuracy. I think with each of those comes more certainty.

Eventually you'll think, hey there's enough accuracy here for me to be able to rely upon the framework I have to get the results I want. You can use Lawson's suggestions and go forward from there—I've personally used them in difficult situations and they work superbly.

Harri put it all really well and I share her opinions on it.

Part of that is because you can't really know what beliefs underlie the reactions and behaviors we see.  
[...]

I used BPD as a framework in which to understand my mother and even my own experiences with her.  
[...]

It is okay as long as you do not become too invested in a label that you ignore other possibilities or begin to think all pwBPD (people with BPD) are like your mom.

[annabelle lee]

dear harri and gotbushels, thank you for your supportive responses.

after reading a number of books and articles as well as discussing this with my therapist, i have concluded with absolute certainty that my mother was uBPD and i am the no-good child.
this information and the ramifications have decimated me.  i am trembling and hyperventilating as i write this. 
in an act of self-preservation, i went NC with both my mother and father, an uNPD, for the last 34 years (they are now both deceased), but the damage was done.  their abuse was internalized so completely that i unconsciously self-perpetuated it. i ultimately had a nervous breakdown, resulting in the loss of my career, relationship, home, and life, putting me on permanent disability with a diagnosis of major depression, anxiety, and cptsd.  dozens of psychiatrists and therapists over the past 3 decades have been consulted without success ~ not one even suggested that my mother was BPD.
the knowledge that my mother deliberately assassinated my soul, not to mention that, as the no-good child, i am undoubtedly BPD as well, is too much to bear.    i honestly do not know how to proceed.

[Harri]

Hi.  We've got ya.

You are not alone.  Others have been where you are and have gotten through.  I am not finished healing by any means but not that long ago I was in a similar place.   Nothing will change the past and nothing will change how it affected us before, but we can change today and tomorrow and so on.

Both of my parents are dead too.  My mom died in 2007 and my dad in 2009.  IMO death heals nothing and can make it harder to work on things, but it can still be done.   Some of my biggest struggles have been to change my own perspective and modify my own behaviors.  I learned bad coping skills.  I don't see anyone not learning some unhealthy behaviors when raised by disordered people.  The good news is that we can learn better ways to cope and handle emotions and better ways of communicating, regardless of whatever label we may have. 

i honestly do not know how to proceed.

Well, reading and posting regularly here is a great place to start.  I did most of my healing with the support of people here.  Another thing that is good to do is to read through our Survivor's Guide.  If you click on each listed item a pop-up will appear with more info.  See if you can identify, roughly, where you are in the healing process.  See what you think at least.  Most members find it helpful.

If you had to pick one thing to work on, for you, what would it be?