Status quo - a lot has happened

[PurpleElephant]

Hi all,

Thank you all so much for listening, and sharing thoughts. Last time I was here - some months ago - I got a great amount of insights and help, it's tremendously valuable. That being said, I just want to write down where I'm at. I'll summarize what has happened as well.

Half a year ago my uBPD told me it was over. After 10 years, and 4 kids (oldest one is 9 ca. - they came quite rapidly). We rented an extra apartment in town, and we shared it and the main house for some months. She expressed extremely typical BPD behavior (she still does). I've read countless books about it, and I could check all the check marks. It was as if those books were describing my life by the letter.
Pushing, pulling, etc. etc. The details are in my other posts. The extremely short summary is, "she's a sex addict".

I was told to move out. When I was about to make that step, she told me not to. At one point I acquired a large house on the country side - which is where I live now (luckily economy is not a problem in our lifes). I created more distance between us. My therapist told me up front that I should do that, in order to create my own space. Also for the kids. And it was probably for the best. After I did, uBPD said I was the biggest **** for doing so. Despite her begin the one asking me to do it, and telling me it was over.

But here we are now. Having 4 small kids, we have contact all the time. As in, almost daily. And not only about them; she constantly reaches out. For small things, big things. Asks for help. Small talks. Calls me when she's in a bad place. Invites me for coffee. Invites me for X. For Y (and I do go -I love her insanely much). She wants to come to me (she's never been here, I don't want that. It's my "safe space").

I'm a very practical guy. She asks for my help all the time. And I do cave in.

Since we have the kids, and their social activities, we meet all the time. And there is a kicker to the story so far; whenever possible, she pretends we're a couple. Physical contact, saying it out loud "where is my husband?" etc.) There is a huge amount of people in our social circle that don't have a clue we live apart. She does this on purpose, she's keeping "the image up" (we're a looked upon family, in many ways. Money, large properties, high-end jobs, socially active, etc. I hate saying this straight out and I've never done so in real life, but I want to paint a full picture. Forgive me).

But there is the other side as well. She's "going away" a lot. I don't know so good anymore what's going on in detail, but we can all use our imagination. I've seen the countless signs - see my other posts. She's socially retracting. When I say she's going away, I mean she's meeting strangers. I confronted her with this, because I've seen the evidence. She said it was not true. I told her not to lie to me. After which she started crying. Her friends stop seeing her, she's very alone. She's in a very bad place. Physical, emotionally. It's so hurtful seeing this unfold.

The summary? We're living apart. We see each other several times per week - due to the kids, or due to her initiating contact. And me caving in. We call. We text. But "it's over". I do practical things. She calls when she needs me. I'm her pillar in life. Everyone says that. Also people that know about the situation in more detail. Her family contacts me to ask me how she's doing. They all know she's in a very bad place. They try to reach out to her, but she avoids contact with them.

And that's it.
I try to accept that. That this is it. For now. I don't know what the future brings. I live day by day. Some days I'm angry and want to "break all contact". But that's not possible, due to our children. Other days I'm completely in love with her. And miss her. Like, 90% of the time.. And there are more sides to this story. That I can't cover without writing a whole book.

I take care of myself as good as I can. But I wake up and go to bed, with her in my mind.

Yesterday I was at her place.

She has put up a large new picture in "our livingroom".
It's a picture of us holding each other during a holiday.

One day, I'll write a book about all this. I promised myself that.

Good luck to everyone. Be strong. Take care of yourself. And if you have the strength, be a rock for your BPD.

I don't have questions. At least not questions that I'm able to express right now. But all your comments are more than welcome.

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[Rev]

Hi there my friend,

No comments except to say - keep on keeping on - just to let you know that I read the whole thing. And I commend you for putting the effort in to keep things in perspective.  It's the only thing to do, build up the strength to do that. So the tree fell in the forest with this testimony and someone was there to hear the sound!

Rev

[PurpleElephant]

@Rev: thanks for your kind, short message. It's nice to be heard. To repeat one of my thoughts again; sometimes I wonder if I should just close the door. And I try to paint that picture in my mind over and over. But I'm simply not able to. By her words and actions she creates a situation where I'm (still) her rock. I can't just disappear. I love her like a little boy. Like, with butterflies in my stomach when we're near each other.

I'm aware that this doesn't necessarily mean much. To be honest, I expect a message from her every day where she tells me that there is someone else. It's my nightmare and I'm scared as hell for it. Whether it comes today, or in 5 years from now. It will come. I don't doubt that anymore. And exactly those thoughts, make me wonder if I shouldn't just simply move on.

But my heart wins over my mind.

[Rev]

@Rev: thanks for your kind, short message. It's nice to be heard. To repeat one of my thoughts again; sometimes I wonder if I should just close the door. And I try to paint that picture in my mind over and over. But I'm simply not able to. By her words and actions she creates a situation where I'm (still) her rock. I can't just disappear. I love her like a little boy. Like, with butterflies in my stomach when we're near each other.

I'm aware that this doesn't necessarily mean much. To be honest, I expect a message from her every day where she tells me that there is someone else. It's my nightmare and I'm scared as hell for it. Whether it comes today, or in 5 years from now. It will come. I don't doubt that anymore. And exactly those thoughts, make me wonder if I shouldn't just simply move on.

But my heart wins over my mind.

I went through the exact same thing - if relationships with people who have mood disorders are founded on counter intuitive principles then dealing with them must also be ...

Most times - with people who do not suffer severe mood disorders - we engage them to to find a way to mutually disengage.  But here it's different.  Hard as it may be, you will not be able to really see clearly until you break the bond - disengage - in order to try to reengage. That does in fact cause a lot of fear - neuro/psychologically because it engages your flight or flight mechanism.   But there it is - there is no bypassing it - in fact spiritual bypassing has been shown to lead to protracted grief, excessive rumination and even PTSD.   The key we all look for, and it's so elusive here, is a sense of justice and meaning. So very, very hard to find in these relationships.  You are just going to need to develop abs of steel...

Keep on keeping on.

Every conversation helps reframe it all.

Rev

[PurpleElephant]

I went through the exact same thing - if relationships with people who have mood disorders are founded on counter intuitive principles then dealing with them must also be ...

Most times - with people who do not suffer severe mood disorders - we engage them to to find a way to mutually disengage.  But here it's different.  Hard as it may be, you will not be able to really see clearly until you break the bond - disengage - in order to try to reengage. That does in fact cause a lot of fear - neuro/psychologically because it engages your flight or flight mechanism.   But there it is - there is no bypassing it - in fact spiritual bypassing has been shown to lead to protracted grief, excessive rumination and even PTSD.   The key we all look for, and it's so elusive here, is a sense of justice and meaning. So very, very hard to find in these relationships.  You are just going to need to develop abs of steel...

Keep on keeping on.

Every conversation helps reframe it all.

Rev

Justice is the keyword here, indeed. Whenever my phone rings and I'm being asked to help out with one thing or another, I accept politely and lovingly. Accepting is genuine, coming straight from my heart. I can't do different. However "where is the justice in all that?", I often wonder upfront or in retrospect. Because my heart has expectations by doing so. Luckily my mind knows better. So I don't get too hurt. Often I wonder how I would respond if she would inform me about another SO. My initial thought is with anger, frustration and disbelieve. Which is probably the case. But as of now, I try to see our frequent engagements as them being the justice. I go along with it, because it rewards me in the moment. I should not have expectations. But it's hard. Because we all have expectations. We all act upon our hopes and dreams.

A side note here is that I blame myself for being there for her while she has hurt me tremendously in the past year (emotionally, that is). Love is a strange creature, I conclude.