Can't convince spouse to get help

[sffencer]

I've been married to my wife for 10 years and known her for almost 20. The past five+ years have been very difficult, as she gets furious at the smallest things and has coped by drinking heavily every day. Her sister suggested that she may have BPD, and when I looked it up, I realized so many of the conditions described what she is suffering from. While it's somewhat encouraging to finally know the illness that is causing her extreme behavior (mostly rage), I'm even more frustrated that I can't convince her to seek help.

I recently suggested that she has BPD, and it's only led to a further downward spiral in her behavior. I love her, but the way she treats me is so hurtful and unsustainable. I feel so miserable some days. I try to objectively acknowledge that this is not her fault, but I feel like I can only do that for so long. I desperately want to find a way for her to acknowledge that she is suffering from a mental illness and eventually seek help. Does anyone have any advice on how I should move forward? Thanks for reading, as this is my first post, and it's not easy for me to relay the full details of my story and reveal how desperate I am for some change.

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[Kaufmann]

I've been reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells," and the authors write this: "What motivates people with BPD to seek help? In general, people alter their behavior when they believe that the benefits of doing so outweigh the obstacles to change."

That seems obvious enough. The problem is that it's so difficult to convince someone, especially someone with BPD, of the benefits of seeking help. I just don't think you can do this, especially when your wife is raging. Perhaps during her better times, when she's more reasonable, when she's remorseful, you might be able to broach the topic. So difficult. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[sffencer]

Thanks so much for your reply and apologies for the delayed response. I sincerely appreciate your empathy. I also started reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "The Essential Family Guide to BPD". I've learned that my wife is a higher-functioning invisible BP.

What has been frustrating for me is that the books make the point that "they refuse to seek help unless someone threatens to end the relationship." The books have been very helpful from a self-care perspective, but I remain confused because there aren't many practical examples of what a non-BP can do to help their BP recognize the need to get help. Should I give an ultimatum to my wife, and is there a recommended set of conditions under which to provide that ultimatum? Does anyone have any experience, either good or bad, with how their ultimatums were received?

[Football2000]

What triggers her rage exactly? How long does it last? What other BPD symptoms does she have?

Sometimes my partner would have these weird moments of clarity where they seemed to be aware of their odd behaviour. I think those are probably the best moments to use to suggest help. I wish I did use those moments...does your wife have any of those?