I hate BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am so glad I found this site. It’s such a huge relief to find out that we are not alone. It’s also very heartbreaking... I have read so many posts in the 3 days since I’ve joined and I am blown away by them. I feel like everyone posting here is telling my story. Situations, names, ages and even genders are different, but any one of the post I’ve read could be describing my daughter. I can’t tell if I’m comforted to know I’m not alone or saddened to see that there’s so many of us.

Are there any others that are also grandparents with grandchildren “pawns”? My daily disownment is now a two for the price of one deal and also the daily “suck me back in for more abuse” pawn. My 9 y.o. granddaughter has a progressively degenerate genetic disorder and is non verbal with self Injuring behaviors and a feeding tube. I go back because of her. I have so much FOG (did I use that right? I just read the post that explains the acronyms) about her.

The coronavirus pandemic has been a huge trigger and life has become almost more than I can bare. I’ve secretly been hoping to catch the virus or maybe get into a big car accident. Anything to make this stop. I am literally their only caregiver and the only one left still willing to be involved with my daughter.  Everything else in my life, including me, is being neglected. I'm bleeding money, health, and heart and feel at the end of my rope. My daughter is so intelligent and quick. She manipulates me with words and research and runs me in circles so that I’m left feeling like I’m drooling and babbling and apologizing in a corner. I truly know what gaslighting feels like. After the tirade of hateful outrageous verbal vomit that leaves me disowned and blocked, I’m always left feeling disoriented about what just happened. It happens so fast and it’s usually triggered by some innocuous thing I’ve said or asked. I never know when it’s coming, but when her head snaps around in my direction and I see her pupils fully dilate, there is no stopping the freight train that’s coming my way. None. I now have learned that the pupils dilating is an autonomic response of fight or flight caused by adrenaline since the lighting doesn’t change. When she is triggered, her body has a biological response and a sudden rush of adrenaline hits her system. Knowing this is how I can remain empathetic. She has mental illness. She becomes very irrational.

Sorry for so long of a post. I really just wanted to say, I feel comforted to not be alone.

[Thebigyellow]

I am so glad I found this site. It’s such a huge relief to find out that we are not alone. It’s also very heartbreaking... I have read so many posts in the 3 days since I’ve joined and I am blown away by them. I feel like everyone posting here is telling my story. Situations, names, ages and even genders are different, but any one of the post I’ve read could be describing my daughter. I can’t tell if I’m comforted to know I’m not alone or saddened to see that there’s so many of us.

Are there any others that are also grandparents with grandchildren “pawns”? My daily disownment is now a two for the price of one deal and also the daily “suck me back in for more abuse” pawn. My 9 y.o. granddaughter has a progressively degenerate genetic disorder and is non verbal with self Injuring behaviors and a feeding tube. I go back because of her. I have so much FOG (did I use that right? I just read the post that explains the acronyms) about her.

The coronavirus pandemic has been a huge trigger and life has become almost more than I can bare. I’ve secretly been hoping to catch the virus or maybe get into a big car accident. Anything to make this stop. I am literally their only caregiver and the only one left still willing to be involved with my daughter.  Everything else in my life, including me, is being neglected. I'm bleeding money, health, and heart and feel at the end of my rope. My daughter is so intelligent and quick. She manipulates me with words and research and runs me in circles so that I’m left feeling like I’m drooling and babbling and apologizing in a corner. I truly know what gaslighting feels like. After the tirade of hateful outrageous verbal vomit that leaves me disowned and blocked, I’m always left feeling disoriented about what just happened. It happens so fast and it’s usually triggered by some innocuous thing I’ve said or asked. I never know when it’s coming, but when her head snaps around in my direction and I see her pupils fully dilate, there is no stopping the freight train that’s coming my way. None. I now have learned that the pupils dilating is an autonomic response of fight or flight caused by adrenaline since the lighting doesn’t change. When she is triggered, her body has a biological response and a sudden rush of adrenaline hits her system. Knowing this is how I can remain empathetic. She has mental illness. She becomes very irrational.

Sorry for so long of a post. I really just wanted to say, I feel comforted to not be alone.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Roseglow]

Hello Big Yellow,
Welcome to the group.  It sounds like you have been through hell and then some more sweet hell after that.  You have come to the right place as many of us know that feeling keenly. 
I would encourage you to investigate many of the resources on this wonderful website. By gaining knowledge, you will be empowering yourself the next time you encounter your daughters emotional dysregulation.  Also check out the Family Connections website for BPD.  There are some excellent webinars on what we can do as Family Members to stay supportive and sane.
For today, Baby Steps. I would encourage you to practice Self Care Everyday in some way ( small or otherwise). You have been to the mat many times and the only way you will survive, is if you start to take care of yourself. ( I too have to remind myself of this daily.) There are some wonderful general meditations on an app called 'Insight Timer." which can also help you relax, decrease your own anxiety over your daughters situation, etc. 
I personally have just ordered Marsha Lineham's books on DBP (Dialectic Behavior Therapy) as I want to empower myself to learn the tools that would help my daughter. My daughter has not received a formal diagnosis of BPD that I am aware of & they don't recommend family bring it up. But studies show, if they learn of their condition and start learning the skills to ameliorate it, their outcomes are so much better. Yet, we can't talk to their doctors, or mention it to them.
Remind yourself that if it's hard being around a loved one with BPd, it's even so much harder to have it. They are very ill. They would never choose to have such a horrible existence, given the choice.  Your daughter and your grandchildren are so very lucky to have you in their lives. Day at a time. ...