Nothing Changes

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

It's been awhile.

I've had intermittent contact over the years with my exBPDgf and nothing changes. This is the worst disease for all involved. It leaves the non-BPD partner chasing those intense feelings like a drug. And the BPD struggles with everything from work to meaningful relationships. Hard to watch the self destruction.

I've been split black several times over the years. One day, you're having a reasonable (or crazy) conversation and the next day POOF! They're gone. Months sometimes years go by and then they pop back up and you say, "oh what the heck...what's the worst that could happen?"

The worst part for me is the eternal question. Did "us" ever mean anything to the ex? Does anyone mean anything to them? Did they feel the same feelings as I or was it all just an illusion?

In the meantime, they'll say things to get whatever they want. They'll say whatever you want to hear to get results. Either true evil or true disease. I can't tell some days.

But still, I check my text messages every day to see if I'll hear from her. Hoping that the sour milk will miraculously become fresh if I just check it one more time.

Oh well. What can you do besides just move on?

[WhatJustHappened?]

Hi all,

It's been awhile.

I've had intermittent contact over the years with my exBPDgf and nothing changes. This is the worst disease for all involved. It leaves the non-BPD partner chasing those intense feelings like a drug. And the BPD struggles with everything from work to meaningful relationships. Hard to watch the self destruction.

I've been split black several times over the years. One day, you're having a reasonable (or crazy) conversation and the next day POOF! They're gone. Months sometimes years go by and then they pop back up and you say, "oh what the heck...what's the worst that could happen?"

The worst part for me is the eternal question. Did "us" ever mean anything to the ex? Does anyone mean anything to them? Did they feel the same feelings as I or was it all just an illusion?

In the meantime, they'll say things to get whatever they want. They'll say whatever you want to hear to get results. Either true evil or true disease. I can't tell some days.

But still, I check my text messages every day to see if I'll hear from her. Hoping that the sour milk will miraculously become fresh if I just check it one more time.

Oh well. What can you do besides just move on?

[once removed]

What can you do besides just move on?

whats holding you back?

i dont mean that flippantly. i mean truly, theres something painful there that is difficult to let go of.

what is it, and why?

[WhatJustHappened?]

Good question (as always).

I'm not sure. If I had to guess, I would say that the intense feelings that I had were real to me and nothing I have ever experienced. Maybe not for her but for me they were quite strong and vivid. It's hard to let go even though you're dealing with someone who is sick and know better to leave it alone.

Maybe I keep searching for answers that will never come? Maybe I hope that one day she'll be able to be truthful and validate our tornado of a relationship? Talk about irrational on my part...

That's all I have once removed. Any tips or observations? Thanks for the help.

 

 

[COLB]

I understand how hard it is to let go.  I have been with my BPD spouse for 30 years.  At first it was the guilt of my failures.  Then it was the children.  Now as I am middle aged it is the belief that this time it will be different.  I know it won't but I still hope.  Looking back it has done irreparable damage to our children.  That is what hurts me the most. 

[once removed]

I would say that the intense feelings that I had were real to me and nothing I have ever experienced. Maybe not for her but for me they were quite strong and vivid.

what is it that makes you think the feelings werent real to her?

The worst part for me is the eternal question. Did "us" ever mean anything to the ex? Does anyone mean anything to them? Did they feel the same feelings as I or was it all just an illusion?

it sounds like there was a dust up. what happened? what brought this on?

[McChickenNuggets]

I feel the same way. I'm still so connected to him but it's so hurtful.

[WhatJustHappened?]

what is it that makes you think the feelings weren't real to her?

it sounds like there was a dust up. what happened? what brought this on?

The actions don't match the talk. If you say such intense things and then reverse, then perhaps they are not real and just "bait"?

Yep. We reconnected by phone & text earlier this year. Apparently she believed that people were stalking her inside her house. The things that she told me were just crazy and there was absolutely no reason anyone go the lengths that she was explaining to me. Like bugging her house, breaking into her cell phone, pumping fumes into her place, etc.

She begged for me to come "rescue" her but that wasn't going to happen.

Then I got split black and she disappeared. Obviously because I wasn't of any use. [/quote]

[Cromwell]

The actions don't match the talk. If you say such intense things and then reverse, then perhaps they are not real and just "bait"?

Yep. We reconnected by phone & text earlier this year. Apparently she believed that people were stalking her inside her house. The things that she told me were just crazy and there was absolutely no reason anyone go the lengths that she was explaining to me. Like bugging her house, breaking into her cell phone, pumping fumes into her place, etc.

She begged for me to come "rescue" her but that wasn't going to happen.

Then I got split black and she disappeared. Obviously because I wasn't of any use.

Hi, WhatJustHappened?

I know how it is to try and find answers and the confusion you are going through.

Sounds like an emotional call for help from her did it come across that way?

I know it comes across as crazy, in the midst of it all, did she mention who she believed these people were who was doing these things?

[Carguy]

Wow Whatjusthappened! Reading that reminded meaning of some of the paranoid things by ex BPD would say!

In the past when we were together she asked me if I thought it was possible that her ex-husband was poisoning her children's food, and she also mentioned stuff about him possibly bugging her place or tracking devices and such because he was in the military. She also accused me of breaking into her phone one night and deleting pictures. I didn't even know the passcode to get into her phone nor did I care!

She also accused me of doing things to punish her which were unbelievable and I could definitely see a very unhealthy level of paranoia in her.

It's amazing how you can read other people's stories and it's word for word your own story.

[WhatJustHappened?]

Hi, WhatJustHappened?

I know how it is to try and find answers and the confusion you are going through.

Sounds like an emotional call for help from her did it come across that way?

I know it comes across as crazy, in the midst of it all, did she mention who she believed these people were who was doing these things?

It's hard to tell the difference between a call for help or a call for attention. No, she did not tell me who she believed was doing this. I tried to rationally go through it with her i.e who would have the motive and resources to do that? She's not wealthy, nor a spy nor someone with anything other people would want.

[WhatJustHappened?]

Wow Whatjusthappened! Reading that reminded meaning of some of the paranoid things by ex BPD would say!

In the past when we were together she asked me if I thought it was possible that her ex-husband was poisoning her children's food, and she also mentioned stuff about him possibly bugging her place or tracking devices and such because he was in the military. She also accused me of breaking into her phone one night and deleting pictures. I didn't even know the passcode to get into her phone nor did I care!

She also accused me of doing things to punish her which were unbelievable and I could definitely see a very unhealthy level of paranoia in her.

It's amazing how you can read other people's stories and it's word for word your own story.

Yeah, it's definitely a part of the disease. It's quite hurtful to us but I feel sorry for the ones who are afflicted with the disease.

[Carguy]

I do too. Everyday I wish that my ex BPD didn't have this disorder and that things were different between us. Right now I am staying away and healing and working on myself but I do miss her and it saddens me that she struggles like she does.

One morning last Autumn I called in late to work because she was struggling. Through tears she told me she was sorry she was so broken and that she thinks she hates herself. It broke my heart. I wish I could take the pain and disorder away for her but I can't. I can't fix her.

[red leaf]

The worst part for me is the eternal question. Did "us" ever mean anything to the ex? Does anyone mean anything to them? Did they feel the same feelings as I or was it all just an illusion?

After each break up I kept asking myself the same question. I do not hesitate to say that each time my ex BPD boyfriend has come back I have experienced moments of pure bliss. However, were those moments healthy? For 5 years I have ignored this second, more logical question...until a few months ago, when in the coldest possible way he told me he was seeing other people and suggested me 'to do the same' because 'one doesn't need to take things too seriously' and 'we haven't really loved each other, after all'. He said this regardless of us cohabiting for two years, knowing each others' families and being engaged. Note: a few weeks later he called me (He owes me money, something that apparently is also common) saying that I had ruined his life and he 'never wanted to hear from or see me again'.

What I think now - although I am not completely clear-minded - is that they prefer 'erasing' or even 'blaming' us rather than dealing with their feelings of guiltiness and self-loathing (feelings that, conversely, become extremely useful when trying to get us back).

We probably meant something to our ex BPD partners, but they are unable to cope with loss...even if they asked for it, or caused it hurtful ways.