Sleep deprived and frustrated

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, the whole weekend, uBPDh was in the guest bedroom on his laptop, obsessing over Twitter for hours on end. He didn't even shower and exited only at my request for him to do his duty and do the evening feeding for the dogs. I've been a lot better at not really worrying so much about him and I went on with my weekend like he didn't exist, basically.

Last night, I fell asleep at around 10, only to be awakened by him around midnight, yelling at the dog, who had gone to the bathroom on the floor right in front of him. The dog ran into the bedroom with me, but he chased her out and made her go outside. After he let her back in, he turned on all of the lights upstairs and stomped back and forth a bunch before getting in the shower. I tried to go back to sleep, but then he came back in the bedroom and turned all the lights on, and then got into bed with his phone and his bedside lamp on that is extraordinarily bright. I sighed in an annoyed way and he got mad at me and said, "What is your problem?" I said that I didn't like the light blaring in my face. He made some kind of hyperbolic statement about not being allowed to read at night. I was too tired to argue, so I flipped over and tried to put a pillow up to block out the light. Then, the dog was anxious and restless because she heard raised voices, so she came over to my side of the bed, so I comforted her. Then, once she went back to sleep, I tried again to go back to bed. H then got up and went into the hall closet, something he never does, and was rummaging around for something with the hall light on. The door to that closet is really creaky, so it was screaming back and forth while he was doing this. He then came back to bed and was moving around a lot, so I sighed again. At that point, I was having a hard time getting back to sleep myself. I started reading my phone and did some scrolling for about a half an hour. He saw that I was awake and started sending me politically charged texts, which I ignored. I put my phone down and again tried to sleep. He got up to go to the bathroom and again turned on the closet light. I said, annoyed again, "What are you doing?" He told me that he wasn't doing anything and then he sat on the side of the bed for a while, which made the bed jiggle while he furiously scrolled through his phone. He finally laid back down, still scrolling, and I tried and tried to go back to sleep, but I was really struggling. Then, I kept thinking about how he was keeping me up and got more and more angry. When I am sleep deprived, I sometimes fantasize about punching him in the head (I'm the most nonviolent person ever, so this is pretty hilarious coming from me). It's like I want to make him see the pain and frustration he's causing me. I readjusted myself on the bed angrily and he again asked me what my problem was. I again told him and THEN he had the nerve to say, "Well, I'll just take the dog and go into the other room, then!" Like, NOW he decides to do it, when I basically had two hours left to sleep. I got angry and started going off on him, essentially. It all came tumbling out, how he was so inconsiderate, how he didn't respect me, how all I did was consider his feelings and he couldn't be bothered to consider mine. He didn't dispute any of this, but in this instance he was trying to play the role of innocent, calm victim (which annoys the crud out of me when he does it because it's SO phony). We ended up having this sort of light argument (not a full on argument) about respect and how this whole situation is unsustainable for both of us. He, of course, seems to want to cling to this relationship and I'm saying, "It's not going to change." He thinks if he shows me enough evidence on his side of politics that I'll change. I told him that wasn't going to happen and that he needed to accept it. We also touched on work, and he's now convinced that 90% of the people he would potentially work with will hurt him in some way because of his "beliefs." That is legitimately his excuse for not working. This situation is completely untenable.

I don't understand, I will never understand, the whole "I hate you; don't leave me" thing. It's just a miserable existence. I guess I don't really have a concrete ask here, I just am tired of this and I now feel like it's going to take me prying him off to get him to go.

[WitzEndWife]

So, the whole weekend, uBPDh was in the guest bedroom on his laptop, obsessing over Twitter for hours on end. He didn't even shower and exited only at my request for him to do his duty and do the evening feeding for the dogs. I've been a lot better at not really worrying so much about him and I went on with my weekend like he didn't exist, basically.

Last night, I fell asleep at around 10, only to be awakened by him around midnight, yelling at the dog, who had gone to the bathroom on the floor right in front of him. The dog ran into the bedroom with me, but he chased her out and made her go outside. After he let her back in, he turned on all of the lights upstairs and stomped back and forth a bunch before getting in the shower. I tried to go back to sleep, but then he came back in the bedroom and turned all the lights on, and then got into bed with his phone and his bedside lamp on that is extraordinarily bright. I sighed in an annoyed way and he got mad at me and said, "What is your problem?" I said that I didn't like the light blaring in my face. He made some kind of hyperbolic statement about not being allowed to read at night. I was too tired to argue, so I flipped over and tried to put a pillow up to block out the light. Then, the dog was anxious and restless because she heard raised voices, so she came over to my side of the bed, so I comforted her. Then, once she went back to sleep, I tried again to go back to bed. H then got up and went into the hall closet, something he never does, and was rummaging around for something with the hall light on. The door to that closet is really creaky, so it was screaming back and forth while he was doing this. He then came back to bed and was moving around a lot, so I sighed again. At that point, I was having a hard time getting back to sleep myself. I started reading my phone and did some scrolling for about a half an hour. He saw that I was awake and started sending me politically charged texts, which I ignored. I put my phone down and again tried to sleep. He got up to go to the bathroom and again turned on the closet light. I said, annoyed again, "What are you doing?" He told me that he wasn't doing anything and then he sat on the side of the bed for a while, which made the bed jiggle while he furiously scrolled through his phone. He finally laid back down, still scrolling, and I tried and tried to go back to sleep, but I was really struggling. Then, I kept thinking about how he was keeping me up and got more and more angry. When I am sleep deprived, I sometimes fantasize about punching him in the head (I'm the most nonviolent person ever, so this is pretty hilarious coming from me). It's like I want to make him see the pain and frustration he's causing me. I readjusted myself on the bed angrily and he again asked me what my problem was. I again told him and THEN he had the nerve to say, "Well, I'll just take the dog and go into the other room, then!" Like, NOW he decides to do it, when I basically had two hours left to sleep. I got angry and started going off on him, essentially. It all came tumbling out, how he was so inconsiderate, how he didn't respect me, how all I did was consider his feelings and he couldn't be bothered to consider mine. He didn't dispute any of this, but in this instance he was trying to play the role of innocent, calm victim (which annoys the crud out of me when he does it because it's SO phony). We ended up having this sort of light argument (not a full on argument) about respect and how this whole situation is unsustainable for both of us. He, of course, seems to want to cling to this relationship and I'm saying, "It's not going to change." He thinks if he shows me enough evidence on his side of politics that I'll change. I told him that wasn't going to happen and that he needed to accept it. We also touched on work, and he's now convinced that 90% of the people he would potentially work with will hurt him in some way because of his "beliefs." That is legitimately his excuse for not working. This situation is completely untenable.

I don't understand, I will never understand, the whole "I hate you; don't leave me" thing. It's just a miserable existence. I guess I don't really have a concrete ask here, I just am tired of this and I now feel like it's going to take me prying him off to get him to go.

[formflier]

You simply can't go on like this.  

He knows he is denying you  sleep and you know it.  It's an "accepted" part of the relationship.

I recommend you have the following conversation with him, very similar to the conversation about him providing for himself (working).

"I need regular good restful sleep to be able to work, provide and be my best self.  I've made a mistake in the past not standing up for my needs and allowing my sleep to be repeatedly interrupted  That's over.  If you need to be up making noise and turning on lights after (insert time), you'll need to do it at another residence.  I won't be tolerating that in the home I provide anymore."

I'm so sorry this is happening...you have the power to change this.  You deserve sleep.

 

Best,

FF

(please look at my wording.  You are stating the problem, he is not directly blamed, he knows the new rules and has choices.)

[WitzEndWife]

Thanks for the support, FF. I know it probably seems to people on the outside like I'm always banging my head against a brick wall with him, but I appreciate the fact that you're still willing to listen to me. You're absolutely right, I cannot go on like this. He's been in the room all day long, so I haven't even seen him, let alone talked to him. Whenever he does emerge, I will have this conversation with him. If he does not emerge, we'll just have to talk through text or email, I guess.

I know how the conversation will go if I say exactly what you've said. He will twist it to mean that I'm kicking him out and will act like a poor, abandoned creature, trying to trigger my guilt. I know I have to stay strong, though. My sleep is important.

[formflier]

That's fine if he twists it that way.  His choice.  


My recommendation is to wait until he comes out and then have the conversation, don't chase him...but make sure that nothing else happens in the relationship until this conversation happens.

So...if he hides...you don't chase.  He comes out and wants to  (fill in the blank), that's on hold until...

Make sense?

Hey...we've all banged out head on the brick wall.  

And...something to be clear about.  If he chooses to continue acting this way..you are kicking him out...right?  (not the time to say this to him...but...)

Best,

FF

[formflier]

  He's been in the room all day long, so I haven't even seen him, let alone talked to him. 

And...to keep things in perspective.

How much $$ did he earn today?  How much house cleaning did he do?  How much work to your cars did he do?

Important to keep this in perspective...

Best,

FF

[AskingWhy]

WEW, shades of my own, pouty, spoiled, mean uBPD H.

He is a chameleon and can pass for "normal" in front of others.  BPDs and NPDs do this. 

Don't feel bad about your reaction to your H's behaviour.  My own H is a man who hates himself, whose political beliefs and moral shift from day to day.  Having no identity, I hear it makes a pwBPD horrified,  but you were not born to be anyone's punching bag. 

Vent away, WEW.  I totally understand.   

[Notwendy]

WEW- It's rude and inconsiderate to wake someone up in the middle of the night unless it's some kind of emergency. He's agitated and upset over something maybe and is engaging you to make himself feel better, and taking victim perspective when he does so.

What does a non disordered person do if they can't sleep and want to read at night? Go in the other room, leave their partner to sleep. "you won't let me read at night"- He has the whole rest of the house.

"I hate you don't leave me" is just that. He's not going to leave probably. Will you have to do it? Yes, if you want to end this, you are the one who will need to do that. I'm not telling you to do it- this is not a "run" message but stating that this is up to you,whatever you decide to do.

[formflier]

"you won't let me read at night"- He has the whole rest of the house.

And this is just a minor part of it.  There's the yelling and intimidation of you and the dog.  History of breaking and smashing things.

You already know where this road leads.  Your fantasies of hitting him are perfectly "normal".  I have no doubt that you under normal circumstances can keep fantasy and reality separate and not actually hit him.


What if you are sleep deprived?  A couple nights in a row.  What if he hurts the dog?  What if he...?

Then where are things at?

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Is this a person you want to grow old with? Is he someone you want to have in your life five years from now? Do you look forward to being with him next year? Will you be happy to see him next month? Next week? Tomorrow?

You’ve spent a number of years with him already. You know who he’s been. And now you’re seeing him evolve into someone different than you expected.

Like so many here, your words indicate that you are hoping he will take the initiative and leave. There’s a number of members who are waiting for that outcome with their partners.

But realistically, how likely is that? You’ve been paying for his lifestyle of sitting around, indoctrinating himself with propaganda that doesn’t fit with your worldview. It seems he doesn’t partipate much in household chores while you’re at work.

Looking at it from an outside perspective, it appears that he’s more like a child than a husband.

What keeps you in a perpetually stuck place with him? Is it fearing that he would think poorly of you if you asserted yourself? Do you fear being alone? What is the worst thing that could happen?

[formflier]

Is he still hiding out?

How are you feeling about holding firm to your decisions about finances?  Things could get interesting with him having monthly bills coming due.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

How is your hubby dealing with with his new financial reality?

Best,

FF