Update on TRO and life

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have had a very emotional week and held it together mostly. Kids and house are OK. Dogs did great till a couple of days ago, now they are being puppies but I am sure we will manage. I have a TRO against my husband. He has left us alone and has not closed access to any of our accounts. I have been able to pay bills and do everyday things. Today our two lawyers talked. They are applying for a continuance, so the TRO stays in place for now. My husband will get therapy and alcohol dependence treatment and decide over 6months or more what we will do with our marriage. I am getting therapy, I am working on myself. I am getting the support I need and will try to see where my heart and head are. I go through ups and downs and most of my action is mixed with fear. I am trying to overcome my fear and guilt and function.

[Shakthi]

I have had a very emotional week and held it together mostly. Kids and house are OK. Dogs did great till a couple of days ago, now they are being puppies but I am sure we will manage. I have a TRO against my husband. He has left us alone and has not closed access to any of our accounts. I have been able to pay bills and do everyday things. Today our two lawyers talked. They are applying for a continuance, so the TRO stays in place for now. My husband will get therapy and alcohol dependence treatment and decide over 6months or more what we will do with our marriage. I am getting therapy, I am working on myself. I am getting the support I need and will try to see where my heart and head are. I go through ups and downs and most of my action is mixed with fear. I am trying to overcome my fear and guilt and function.

[Radcliff]

Congratulations on getting to a stable place.  It sounds like the lawyers are working together and you've got time to heal and figure things out.  What helps you to overcome the fear and guilt and begin to function better?

RC

[RolandOfEld]

Congratulations, Shakthi! You give me hope that I may be able to get to a stable place soon as well. It's all building upwards from here.

May I ask you how you have communicated the current situation to your kids, particularly your younger one? I ask because I don't really yet know what to say to mine when the PO goes through and they are living with me and not seeing mom for a while.

~ROE

[Shakthi]

Radcliff, for the short term the guilt and fear part - I got some help from my therapist. I am the kind of person who takes action, gets things done and the fear and depression hit a few days after and I need time to heal. I started journaling a bit, the good that I remember, reading the court event file I submitted reminds me of why we are here and focussing on my to do lists. Praying (something I have let slack over time)
Ronald, for me the kids have been the easier part. I have been their primary provider. My attempts to get my husband more involved don't always  work. I left the house and packed a bag a took the kids with me. They heard me talking to the lawyers and counsellor. THe little one who is 4 said that she wishes dad was not mean to me. She made him a picture yesterday and said if he comes back its for him. The older one does not talk about him (she is 7). I am worried about this, but my counsellor wants me to wait to work on her as I have a lot on my plate and its hard. I have told them that it is just the three of us for a bit. Till I figure things out. That I love them and I am here for them. They have a routine and being back in the house helps them. We have camp working in our area and that helps them go have routine and play with friends. I am worried about when schools don't open in August and I have to manage them full time and work but I'll find a balance (somehow). I am considering bringing my parents here (they live in a different country) to help me out (with covid this will be hard) but I hope we find a way. One step at a time. For the coming week I have work that will keep me focussed and kids have camp - so I am working on NOW.

[ForeverDad]

Looking back several years to when my preschooler son too avoided mentioning the out-of-control parent...

I recall the first week of my separation.  The police had, um, taken her away and by the time she was out, I had a temporary protection order.  That first night was so different, the silence was deafening.   The first two nights our preschooler, then 3 years old, woke up during the night and asked, "Where's mommy?"  I replied, "She's not here" and that satisfied him.  Other than those two times, he didn't want to even talk about her.  Six days later we agreed to a child exchange* and he literally begged me not to be taken to his mother.  (And not the last time, either!)  What does it take for a child to beg not to go to the other parent?

I chose not to discuss the details if he didn't want to.

* My TPO from municipal court didn't include our son and her TPO from domestic court did include him so the decision to exchange was out of my hands.

[Radcliff]

I'm glad to hear your kids are doing OK.  Do you anticipate any new things happening in the next week or two, or are you looking at time to keep things steady and continue to catch your breath?

RC

[Shakthi]

For now our routine holds. The little one has asked when we can talk to dad or when will he back but we have handled it OK for now. There are tantrums without knowing how to handle their emotions. My Therapist is helping me understand how to support them. One step at a time, one day at a time.