Everyone has an opinion

[Willyb]

Hello this is my first post my daughter now 26 has struggled for about 10 years (I’m tired).  But was officially diagnosed as BPD about 5 years ago.  She struggles with concurrent disorders, alcohol, drug abuse, eating disorder as well.  I feel I am coping pretty well with her, one of my struggles  is fending off opinions of well intentioned friends.  Most tell me or my husband that we should have raised her differently, we are not strict enough we need to punish her more etc... I begin to feel guilt and start to think did I cause this, could I have prevented it or cured it if I parented differently?  I think what I am looking for is this group to absolve  me of guilt and give me some tips on dealing with all those opinions out there. Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

I can really relate to what your situation. I also have dealt with a similar situation for around 15 years now. At first I used to think I should be open to suggestions and I did try a few things. I remember the relief I felt when a paediatric psychiatrist told me that usual behaviour management stuff was not really useful. I had really struggled with this but did try it - made things worse -so it was great confirmation of what I sensed all along. The problem for me has been that I tend to become more isolated because (a) I am quite wound up in dealing with the situation (b) given how things can explode without warning I don't like to invite friends home and (c) whenever I try to explain that some things are not helpful I find my friends don't understand and it makes me feel more isolated - so my friendship group has shrunk! I come here and read because I know people understand.

[20yearsHRS]

1st of all, you are not responsible for the diagnosis.  2nd, we are all responsible for how we react after.  Read the book "When Your Daughter Has BPD: Essential Skills to Help Families Manage Borderline Personality Disorder".  3rd, I'm a hypocrite.  It ain't easy being green.  I can say "do this" but I'm having a hard time setting the boundaries and providing the selective support myself.  I'm working on it though.  I'm tired as well and I've only had the diagnosis for my 18yr old d for a year.  Anyone that tells you how to raise your child or you should have done this or that needs to be quiet.  They have no idea what it's like to live with someone that has this.  I'm convinced my first wife had uBPD and I lived with that for 20 years.