Non-BPD parent uses me as Sounding Board

[todayistheday]

I had a different issue I was going to ask about, but one of the posts I saw here triggered this question, so I'll wait on the other one.

Mom is uBPD.  I was the scapegoat child.  About 10 years ago, my Mom who made my childhood and especially my teen and young adulthood miserable raged on my Dad in a big way.  Dad was calling me about the problem, going to the storage shed and whispering on cell phone or going on errands and calling me from McDonald's parking lot.  I felt so bad for him, but I totally believed everything he was telling me.

I went to a therapist I had seen for an issue with my Mother in Law (of a totally different issue than BPD.  MIL was just evil).  I never talked about my Mom to therapist because I mistakenly thought therapist would think my problems were just mother issues.   But she did understand.)

When I went to therapist, I expected her to tell me it was my Dad's problem and to stay out of it.  So what I was expecting was to ask her for help on HOW to stay out of it. 

Instead, she hypothesized that Mom has BPD and told me to read the Walking on Eggshells book.   I took it to Dad.

Now he unloads on me any time he has problems.  On the one hand. I feel like I should not be his sounding board (think triangulation).  But on the other, he is 85 years old.  He is not going to go to a therapist and he has nobody else who will listen or understand.

He is truly afraid of my Mom.  He did try to leave her in the mid-1980s.  I always assumed that she might have threatened suicide.  Guess what, when he unloaded on me one time, he did tell me that when he asked her for a divorce, she told him that she had enough pills already.  So he didn't.   Now she tells me that she hates him.  That's one of the things that's so hard to understand about BPD. I don't understand why she didn't let him go back then.

I don't really know what to do there.  My Dad is a good and sweet person.  I love him to pieces.  He does need somebody.  It makes me feel like I'm a victim of her in another way.

[Panda39]

Hi todayistheday,

What I am hearing in your story is Triangulation.

Here is a link to more on the Karpman Triangle: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

What you are describing is...

uBPDmom = Persecutor
Dad = Victim
You = Rescuer

Your dad is an adult, is rescuing your dad your job/responsibility?  With a goal of getting off the Triangle, can you think of ways that you might be able to do that?

Panda39

[zachira]

My mom who was BPD passed away last summer. I was the scapegoat child. I hear you when you describe how stressful it is to have your father unload his distress on you about how he is mistreated by your mother. My therapist advised me to pay attention to my feelings instead of getting enmeshed in the overwhelming feelings of the person who happened to be emotionally unloading on me in the moment. It really helped me to process how I was feeling and not get so overwhelmed. Could you do some quiet calming activities with your father while keeping the conversation about your mother to a minimum? It sounds like your father is venting when he talks about your mother, and the type of conversations you are having do not help him to feel better, and leave you feeling overwhelmed.

[pursuingJoy]

todayistheday, once removed shared something about triangulation last week that was really helpful to me, and I think it applies to your situation.

This is an excerpt once removed shared, I think it's from our Karpman triangle article here:
Be caring, but don't overstep. We do not want to let our fears, obligation and guilt to control us or allow us to be manipulated into taking care of another person when it really isn't healthy to do so. Instead of being the rescuer  and doing the thinking, taking the lead, doing more than our share, doing more than is asked of us -  simply be a supportive, empathetic listener and provide reflection, coaching, and assistance if the person asks and is taking the lead themselves. It is important to recognize the other person as an equal (not one-down) and give the other person the respect of letting them take care of themselves, solve their own problems, and deal with their feelings as they choose. Remember, the rescuer  has the most pivotal position on the drama triangle - you are in the strongest position, at least initially, to redirect the dynamic into healthy territory.


Here's what once removed said:
when i first learned about triangulation, my takeaway was "STAY OUT". dont do it, dont participate in it.

thats not possible nor always practical in a family dynamic. its not even always helpful.

the "rescuer" in a triangle is in the strongest position to affect change. the tricky balance is knowing not only when to stay out, but when and how to step if youre going to stay in.

the karpman drama triangle article mentions that we tend to gravitate toward the role in the triangle that we learned in our childhood.

i was an only child. that meant i was anything between an observer, someone to vent to, someone to deem who was right and wrong, and a "peacemaker". at any given time, i was a stabilizing factor, or a destabilizing one.

navigating triangulation is not always about staying out (it certainly can be). its about recognizing the role youre playing in it, and whether its a constructive one or not; triangulation can be good or bad. as a family member, you necessarily play one, an important, and potentially very effective one, for better or worse. being involved has consequences. not being involved has consequences.

Here's the link to the thread in case you want to read more (not all of it applies):  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=343811.0

pj