Appropriate cooling off period post rage

[CTLost]

Hi,

New to this site and I would greatly appreciate any guidance from other parents. Although not officially diagnosed, my adult son seems to fit the criteria for BPD and will often have extreme mood swing for no obvious reason.  Shortly after one of his very disruptive rants, he often trie to initiate a conversation as if the prior accusatory, profanity-laced rant should simply be forgotten and those around him should just move on. 

My wife and I are much better about not taking these verbal assaults personally  and we do want to engage in positive discussion but are unsure as to the best approach.  We want to affirm we are open to. Conversation, yet not enable the BPD by engaging too early.  As the non-BPD, what is an appropriate cooling period?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi CTlost,
Since your son is capable of re engaging with you in a "friendly" way , it may be possible to gently interject a boundary with him.  Something to the effect of " I/ we can't respond to cursing, screaming and from this point on we will walk away .when this happens and we can listen to you later when you are calmer" 
How do you think that will go with your son? Initially this did work with my son years ago before he became too dysregulated  . 

[Swimmy55]

The thing to remember is we have rights ,too, as parents.  We don't have to be barraged with verbal aggression in our own home. 

[PearlsBefore]

(disclaimer: for adult children only, not necessarily for young children with BPD)
I'd suggest "Be the bad guy" honestly; too often DBT/CBT workbooks and Linehan videos tell you to respond in a way that the pwBPD will view as patronizing and will further infuriate them because they just threatened to use their mall-store battleaxe to decapitate a kitten or destroy the solar system and you responded with DEAR MAN.  So instead, when you need him to recognise that you need an hour, or an afternoon, before you can re-engage him on the topic, be willing to say you're the problem not (only) them.

"I'm sorry but the things you said are still running through MY mind even though you've calmed down I'm still quite worked up inside and I'm going to need more time to de-stress and be able to rationally talk about compromises with you - maybe tomorrow?"

It may or may not be true, but it enforces the boundary, warns the pwBPD that saying hurtful things has consequences but also doesn't "shame" them by suggesting THEY have an ongoing irrationality or problem that prevents further conversation.

My pwBPD used to rage that "what hurt most" was that I was always 110% calm, didn't take her abusing me personally and was too rational in my responses.

[Sancho]

I really struggle with the same issue and I'm not sure what the answer is. If I try to say anything when BPDd has calmed down and it being nice, it just sets it off again - so I have learned not to do that. If I stay silent it also sets it off again. So when she comes out as though nothing happened and tries to engage (and I'm still reeling) I tend to just say the minimum response and try to say it in some normal way - but I don't engage too much. One thing that helps me sometimes is remembering a couple of occasions usually when we are driving somewhere as that seems to soothe her, she has said a few times something like 'I hate it when I do that' ie the abusive outburst. Underneath she knows anything that I could say to her, so saying it just makes matters worse. Perhaps you could try a few things to see what works for you and your son? I do understand your dilemma though and perhaps if you find something that is useful you could post it here!

[srivili]

I am in the same boat! Its so hard to act like nothing happened when she moves on. I have tried 'when there is a conflict I shut down and it takes me quite some time to open up". She comes after that as to "why should it take you so long to open up. What did I do that wrong"that you need so much time ie day or two when I don't call her. Sigh! Appreciate any success stories here!