How to encourage BPD son at age 37 to live on his own.

[Parents! Get help here!]

My son is 37 and has been in and out of rehab for the past 6 years for alcoholism.   He has a failed relationship with ex-wife who takes care of their 4 kids.   She was on welfare until she returned to work, initiated Divorce and got him on Maintenance Enforcement to pay child support.   I am baffled as to why he doesn’t accept responsibility for his kids and has to be forced.  He currently lives with his step-dad and myself after being kicked out of sober living.  He has been sober for almost 2 years but is not taking any responsibility to move out and live on his own.   I am a helicopter mother and I know that I ENABLE him way too much. It has caused strain in our marriage.  Please help!   I’m open to suggestions!

[Mathieu]

My son is 37 and has been in and out of rehab for the past 6 years for alcoholism.   He has a failed relationship with ex-wife who takes care of their 4 kids.   She was on welfare until she returned to work, initiated Divorce and got him on Maintenance Enforcement to pay child support.   I am baffled as to why he doesn’t accept responsibility for his kids and has to be forced.  He currently lives with his step-dad and myself after being kicked out of sober living.  He has been sober for almost 2 years but is not taking any responsibility to move out and live on his own.   I am a helicopter mother and I know that I ENABLE him way too much. It has caused strain in our marriage.  Please help!   I’m open to suggestions!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi Mathieu

I’m glad you’re here and sorry to hear about your troubles. My son is younger at 29 and we are having some problems but when I read your post I realised that I was successful in getting my son to live independently and can relate to your story.

You say two things that struck me. Your son will not take responsibility. Also, that you enable him. This could have been me writing this 5 years ago. My own marriage was under a lot of strain too, it’s part of the territory.

I found this forum and started my work to change our situation. This change started with me and myself. We both have adult children that struggle to cope with life and mine always seeks the path of least resistance. We try to “help” - whatever I did to try to change him only made matters worse.

I want to say a few things and stick to facts. We were not prepared to financially support an adult child until we died. This in fact is one of our boundaries.

We were willing to provide some practical support for a temporary period while he got a job and learnt some financial management skills. This was a key area and the reason he’d failed to live on his own previously.

It’s great news your son has been two years sober. This is a massive achievement and to be congratulated. It’s been hard won I’m sure. I wonder if he’s reluctant to make that step towards Independent living because he’s not confident of remaining sober. My son suffered from a supreme lack of self confidence and self-worth. Do you feel that this could be true for your son?

I don’t know if you’ve read up on bpd but I strongly recommend you do if you haven’t already. Me and my husband felt our way forwards. Neither of us was prepared to throw son out we tried a completely different approach.

Does your son have a job? Does he see his children?

LP

Ps. Welcome

[FindingMe2011]

My son is 37 and has been in and out of rehab for the past 6 years for alcoholism.

Has he been diagnosed ? Some believe addictions are products of intimacy or abandonment issues. They seem to reappear because the root isnt dealt with.

 I am baffled as to why he doesn’t accept responsibility for his kids and has to be forced.

Is it possible that this may have played a part?

I am a helicopter mother and I know that I ENABLE him way too much.

You are on here saying this, Im assuming you have spoken with him about this. What is his response?

He has been sober for almost 2 years but is not taking any responsibility to move out and live on his own.

This is a good thing, staying sober. Shows the want to do better. Does he go to therapy?...Maybe living on his own scares the hell out him right now. Appears this way, no? How did the divorce effect him? Maybe a feeling of worthlessness in himself as a father?

Please help!   I’m open to suggestions!

A good therapist could help. I wish you well, Peace

[Pomsie]

Pay for three months at an apartment, move him over, and tell him he has to have a job in 6 weeks to make sure he can pay his 4th month rent. Tell him you love him, good luck, and for him to let you know how its going.
Done. He is too old to be home. Way too old.