I really need advice please

[Lisasomar]

my 19 yr old daughter had to move back in with us.  We continue to struggle with her BPD and PTSD.  When she is triggered, she starts to bring up all the stuff that happened in her childhood that led to her PTSD.  I have tried to set boundaries and told her that I am not willing to rehash things anymore (we have had counselling for years off and on however she continues to bring the same things up).  While I understand that it is difficult for her, we continue to go around in a merri go round.  All she wants is validation and I know when she is triggered she feels she needs to go through all the trauma etc.  However, my counsellor as well as hers, has said this pattern needs to stop.  I feel so stuck!  I cannot keep hearing the same hurts over and over, especially when they are her perception only.  I have suggested she call a friend, crisis line, etc. when she is like this but she won't.  She vents to me and only me and no matter what I say, I always make it worse.  It leaves me exhausted for days and so anxious.  I find also that counsellors tell her one thing, and me another.  I am supposed to set boundaries about what we are not to talk about over and over, and yet I need to validate.  So impossible!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi,
 This is a hard issue and unfortunately very familiar.  Whenever my adult son got riled up, out comes the same things that have happened years ago, again and again.  It's a sick loop that keeps playing.  I have tried various methods that ultimately failed as my adult BPD son got  sicker; He refused help. The good news is that your daughter is getting help and so are you so the methods  in the link may help you:https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy.
 
What used to work ( before son got too sick) was when he was calmer, we would establish ground rules where if he started ranting , yelling, etc, I would go into a time out from him.  I would go into another room.  That worked for a while, until it didn't.  However, run it by your therapist, it may be worth a try and it's a start.   Or another idea would be for you to ask ," what can I do now to help us move forward?"   Again, this may be shot down , so please have lowered expectations.  I am sure others here may come along and share .  Please write back as you are able to.  Also it helps to read up all you can on BPD , there are book suggestions in the library.  All of this will take time though, so patience is key as well.

It is a balancing act, because  it is so easy to come across as condescending to the BPD adult child, which will infuriate them further.

[Lisasomar]

Thank you for those suggestions.  I have suggested some of those, leaving the room etc.  however, she believes that makes it worse for her.  It feels like it is abandonment.  Basically, she believes she needs to be able to rant to me and so any other option suggested goes against what she believes to be helpful.  I am good at the empathic listening and validating, etc ususally.  However sometimes, I react of course and then I get crapped on for not being helpful.  I'm human but she is not able to understand that and appreciate the times that I am in fact helpful

[formflier]

  However, my counsellor as well as hers, has said this pattern needs to stop. 

   I find also that counsellors tell her one thing, and me another. 

I am supposed to set boundaries about what we are not to talk about over and over, and yet I need to validate. 

So...it would appear you have two different counselors?  Do I have that right?

Are they in the same practice?  Do they have releases to talk to each other?

So your counselor has said it needs to stop...and my first impression is that I wholeheartedly agree.  I'm curious if the counselor spent time talking about "how" to stop it.

How do you know that counselors are telling you different things.

The last thing I quoted...you aren't supposed to talk but you are supposed to validate.  Can you give me an example where it felt impossible and you felt "stuck". 

Basically...we want to understand more before handing out advice.. 

Looking forward to getting to know you.

Best,

FF