Let adult daughter move home?

[Ponygirl2020]

We adopted our daughter at age 14. At age 17 she entered residential treatment due to numerous suicide attempts.  She has never fully engaged in therapy according to the therapists she saw at home and at that facility.  We went to weekly family therapy sessions.  At 18 she moved to an independent living facility and stopped allowing us to be involved with therapy.  We paid for cosmetology school and she dropped out after 4 months (10mth program). According to her house advisor she regularly fights with other residents and struggles to follow house rules. We have been paying her rent and sending grocery money. My husband and I recently moved 8 hours away. We invited her to move to a closer facility but she did not want to leave her boyfriend.  She has only held 3 jobs, none for longer than a few weeks. She says she has been looking for a new job but we have seen little evidence of that. We have been telling her over a year we could not afford to pay her rent after Nov. of this year because we spent her entire college fund trying to give her time to get help and be able to work.  She is now 21. The boyfriend just broke up with her and because she still has no job is worried about being homeless.  Checked herself into a hospital today due to cutting.

My husband and I love her and want to help her. However we are struggling to set boundaries. We worry she won't follow the rules at home and we are both already stressed trying to care for my parents. My husband also has a stressful job. And we can't afford to keep paying her rent without putting our personal finances at risk.

However, we hate the thought of her out on the street and feel like terrible parents.  On the other hand,what we have been doing is obviously not working either.  Any suggestions? Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

I have read your post over a few times and understand the dilemma you face. So many people here experience the same issues. It does sound like your daughter's mood swings will make it difficult to hold down a job - and take on the responsibilities of household, job and relationship. I can only tell you my experience which is that - looking back - I tried too hard to support DD financially etc - helping with housing, bills etc when I should have realised she wasn't ready or able to take on these responsibilities. So I am now much worse off financially and her problems are no better - in fact they are worse. Is there someone eg social worker - you could discuss this with to see what options there are for accommodation etc? I have always let DD come home - but she has had her time on the streets too when she didn't want to come back. Having her home is very difficult but I do just keep the door open. I think the people who come to this site are possibly the only ones who understand how difficult living with BPD loved one is. Sending lots of thoughts to you.