My Sister is Splitting and I'm the Target

[SuperTinyPuppets]

My sister has BPD. I have my own mental health issues (OCD, manic depression, and general anxiety disorder, to name a few). I am medicated and in a pretty healthy place right now, mentally. My sister has trademark BPD, she hits every single marker. And she makes it incredibly hard to be close with her, despite my near-constant attempts to (basically for most of our adult lives.)

To gain some understanding, I began reading a book called "Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder." I am trying to talk to her using a lot of the book's suggestions (validating, reassuring, etc.) and it seemed to work a bit a few weeks ago. But honestly... It's so damn exhausting, especially for someone who struggles with their own mental health as well.

The biggest problem is that when she was doing the work, taking her meds, and making a true effort to manage her disorder, it was working. But she recently became pregnant and does not want to stay on the medication due to the very small chance of birth defects. I looked up the medication and the chances of that are extremely slight but said she should stay on the meds if the benefits outweigh the risks.

She got off the meds. She says her therapist "dumped" her, and she's near-suicidal now. She says she's attempted it and it's my fault. She's pushed away almost every single person who loves her dearly, and will only let a very small handful of people be close to her right now. I am not one of them - which is fine, I'm coming to terms with that despite some initial hurt feelings because I remind myself that it's not really about me. I just want to know how, if at all, I can help her without driving myself mad. And please know, I am empathetic to a fault - aka I easily become a doormat. I KNOW she is exhausted battling this mental disorder. But she's resigned to the fact that she can't get better right now, and is treating everyone horribly in the meantime. It's been really hard for all of us, her included.

This all accummulated into a text message assualt from her today: I've never been there for her, I've been a horrible sister to her my whole life, she's suicidal and it's my (and my mother's) fault, we are never there for her in her time of need. This included viscious attacks on my character, on me as a sister and a person, with a lot of other cruel, hurtful things and flat our lies (I know her perception is warped right now, but she's sending me blatant NON truths about our history).

I am a new mom. I struggle with post partum and my own mental illness - this is tearing me up. Mostly because the I want so badly to walk away and not look back - I'm exhausted. I'm heartbroken. I'm wracked with guilt if anything were to ever happen to her.

My final text to her was a boundary text - that I was unable to discuss further right now because I am at work, and I did not feel the conversation was going anywhere positive. She continued to text me afterwards, but I have not responded as a way of reinforcing my boundary.

It really comes down to this: Right now, my sister hates me. IDK if that's the disorder talking or her real, true feelings. The part of me that loves my sister deeply wants to push past her hard exterior and prove to her that I am not giving up on her or going anywhere. The human part of me is tired of being a human punching bag and would like to live a peaceful life. If I give her the space she seems to want, I am feeding into her belief that I am abandoning her.

Guys... I want so badly to be done. SET isn't working, she's in the red. Is my only choice right now to prove her right and "abandon" her to save myself?

It feels like an impossible situation and any insight is welcome.

[Hilla]

Well I want you to know I have been exactly where you are. I have felt before and feel right now exactly the same way, same same same same same. It is incredible really to see the sameness. It gives me a sense of validation to know this I am not alone, but it is no less painful to go through.

I feel so much for these sisters of ours who are suffering, but I worked hard in therapy to learn how to protect myself, and I promote self-preservation over all else. I would not put yourself at risk or in the cross hairs. As my father always says, "Your sister's anger is her burden, not yours."

Right now I am also trying to get help for my sister, I can't tell you how many steps I've taken, and yesterday I spoke to my dad about my belief that it is never too late. BUT, and this is a big one, protecting myself always comes first. Codependency is putting someone else's wellbeing before your own. Do not go down that road.

SET never has worked for me either, b/c my sister uses my kindness as a weapon to abuse me. My sister is full of narcissistic rage. I also feel that she hates me. In the past I have written letters of love and apology, sympathy, empathy, and I have been met with barrages of letters in response, one after the other, each more damaging and hurtful than the next. In my younger years when I was still developing, these experiences were very confusing and stunted by development into an adult. I was conditioned to the abuse, and it caused damage. There is no question about that.

My sister's denial is astounding and I am trying to get a professional to step in because it is way above my skillset or pay grade. Is your sister in denial? It sounds like she knows she has this disorder, but she is denying treatment b/c she does not know how to take care of herself. How long was she medicated? What did she take? Did you think it was working?

I do not think truly hates you, I do think it is definitely, without a doubt, the disorder. It is helpful to make that separation and remain in that logical place.

I am the whipping post for my sister's hatred, and boy is she hateful. I know what you mean about wanting a peaceful life. I talk a lot - to her even - about the need for peace and harmony. I just want harmony, harmoniousness. I do not think I will ever have that with my sister unless she is medicated. Our parents were never able to help her, and I often think it is too late, but I don't want to give up hope or break my own spirit, my own true faith.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am here for you. I also have mental health issues and through my own recovery and treatment I learned how helpful medical providers and practitioners are, and how much I need those support systems. I believe in it and promote it. So remember your wellbeing comes first and you always have the right to first and foremost get the help you need from your doctors and supporters. Whatever you need to do to get back to your center and remain grounded, that is what you have to do. You are the only one who knows how to do that. The relationship with the self is #1. It is the most important relationship we have in life.

My depression and anxiety and ADD are my own cross to bear and I am responsible for that. But, I recognize what parts of it were exacerbated by being abused. Abuse is really very simple, so the second something feels off, you must get out of there. The effects of abuse are too damaging and you have to protect yourself. You deserve to have safe places and spaces in your life to process your own emotions, especially the negative ones. Please consider this forum a place to do that, and know that all of us here place a great deal of moral value on having that in our lives.

[JNChell]

You’re doing all the right things.

You are aware of your conditions and accept them. BPD generally cannot do that. However, they will most definitely exploit your vulnerabilities.

If you are experiencing PPD, don’t talk to her at all. She will make you feel worse. As a man, I have no idea what PPD is like. I do know enough to know that boundaries and no contact need to be put in place for a while so that you can heal. Thoughts?

Meds don’t work for personality disorders. If they weren’t working before she stopped taking them? She could be comorbid with other conditions. That’s not anything to get upset about. Most Borderlines are comorbid with another condition. As it stands, there are 256 variations of BPD with other conditions.

I think that the more relevant subject is you and your PPD. It might help to talk about it.

[moomill2020]

Hi there--

I just want to let you know that it's okay to take care of yourself first.

My sister sounds very similar to yours--I'm the reason for everything "bad" that happens in her life. And if I try to apologize or make amends, she puts me down for using all that "therapy" on her.

After my youngest child was born, she became enraged that she wasn't properly "invited" to come to visit. She was sending nasty emails to me before we even left the hospital.

I remember being on the phone with her days after my child was born, trying to pacify her. It wasn't working. And so, for the first time in my 30+ relationship with her I told her it wasn't a good time for her to come visit. It was the first time I had ever set a boundary with her.

I was shaken when I got off the phone. I felt so guilty.

But then my husband reminded me: my sister needed me... but so did our newborn child.

And when it came to either taking care of an adult, abusive person with BPD...or taking care of my new baby. Well, it kinda became a no brainer. Not to say it wasn't hard, but it really put things in perspective for me.

You are allowed to go live your best, healthiest life. Your sister's suffering is *not* your fault.