Tips on How to have a Conversation with BPD Teen/Young Adult?

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi all,

I posted an intro yesterday and have been reading alot of posts today.  I had no idea we were all living such parallel lives.  I have a 17 (almost 18 year old) daughter who I have come to realize after several months of near-hell, is likely struggling with undiagnosed and untreated BPD.  She thinks she is only dealing with Anxiety/Depression.   She is living in university residence 14 hours away, is non-communicative with her Dad and I (but does at least have regular contact with other family members).  I have faith that over time (who knows how long) she will connect again in some form.  She'll need money, or there will be a crisis, or something with school will not carry on as planned, or maybe she'll ask for something etc.  Or maybe, after counselling sessions (that I believe she is taking), staying connected with other family with healthy dialogue, she will just reach out again. 

Should I keep trying to connect with her?  I don't know how to respond when/if she does come back around.

Between early Sept and last week I got sporatic 'transactional' texts and then one that asked me about buying her a TV.  I just shook my head and let her know this 'dance' we've been doing around a major blow-out and lie she told was not acceptable anymore.  I put it to her directly that I could not go further without her knowing that she had caused an enormous amount of hurt, damage and pain in our family.  She in turn called me and went off completely with horrendous language, hateful accusations etc.  I challenged a couple of her slams with facts and in the end just let her rant. Before she hung up, I said her Dad and I would always love her and want the best for her no matter what.

It feels terribly dysfunctional to just act like her intolerable behaviour and accusations up until now are 'water under the bridge' and we just carry on like she didn't throw a bunch of bombshells at her immediate family and cause utter chaos for weeks and weeks over the summer.  She left under highly volatile circumstances (of her own doing) and it's just totally bizarre and foreign for me to not bring it all up, even though I KNOW her version of everything is utterly contaminated with her illness.  If any of the other children ever acted like she did, there would be serious consequences. But it's like with her...she lives in a different universe where you cannot touch her, cannot hold her accountable for anything she has lied about, accused others of, manipulated through etc.

What do I even say?

[NorthernMom]

Hi all,

I posted an intro yesterday and have been reading alot of posts today.  I had no idea we were all living such parallel lives.  I have a 17 (almost 18 year old) daughter who I have come to realize after several months of near-hell, is likely struggling with undiagnosed and untreated BPD.  She thinks she is only dealing with Anxiety/Depression.   She is living in university residence 14 hours away, is non-communicative with her Dad and I (but does at least have regular contact with other family members).  I have faith that over time (who knows how long) she will connect again in some form.  She'll need money, or there will be a crisis, or something with school will not carry on as planned, or maybe she'll ask for something etc.  Or maybe, after counselling sessions (that I believe she is taking), staying connected with other family with healthy dialogue, she will just reach out again. 

Should I keep trying to connect with her?  I don't know how to respond when/if she does come back around.

Between early Sept and last week I got sporatic 'transactional' texts and then one that asked me about buying her a TV.  I just shook my head and let her know this 'dance' we've been doing around a major blow-out and lie she told was not acceptable anymore.  I put it to her directly that I could not go further without her knowing that she had caused an enormous amount of hurt, damage and pain in our family.  She in turn called me and went off completely with horrendous language, hateful accusations etc.  I challenged a couple of her slams with facts and in the end just let her rant. Before she hung up, I said her Dad and I would always love her and want the best for her no matter what.

It feels terribly dysfunctional to just act like her intolerable behaviour and accusations up until now are 'water under the bridge' and we just carry on like she didn't throw a bunch of bombshells at her immediate family and cause utter chaos for weeks and weeks over the summer.  She left under highly volatile circumstances (of her own doing) and it's just totally bizarre and foreign for me to not bring it all up, even though I KNOW her version of everything is utterly contaminated with her illness.  If any of the other children ever acted like she did, there would be serious consequences. But it's like with her...she lives in a different universe where you cannot touch her, cannot hold her accountable for anything she has lied about, accused others of, manipulated through etc.

What do I even say?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Northernmom:
I'm sorry about the situation with your daughter. Sounds like it's been rather painful and disruptive to the whole family.

I suspect you are paying for her university housing and education.  I remember a post I once read, that has stuck in my memory.  The first part of their story was similar to yours.  Parents paid for university, then international trips, etc.  During all that time, their child was abusive with them - silent treatment, etc.  The more they provided, the greater sense of entitlement their child developed.

My take away was "don't reward bad behaviors".  It doesn't get better.  If you are paying for her tuition & housing, you might consider scaling down on the cost or other options.  A stat I heard last week was that over 50% of college graduates would have faired just as well in life, if they went to a local JC for 2 years and then a local college, as opposed to paying for lodging and high costs at other distant or prestigious colleges.

The most important thing she can be educated in right now is emotional intelligence & DBT skills.   Learning how to deal with her feelings, how to interact with others in intelligent ways, etc. are skills that lead to success in life.  A college degree and a lack of emotional intelligence won't get you very far in life.  Perhaps she needs to finish her semester & then come home and focus on her mental health issues.  Maybe she can take a couple local classes concurrently.