New Living Arrangements

[Mama Llama 57]

Hi Everyone: I am new to this community.  I have an adult son (age 21) with BPD. I am here because I need advice on handling living arrangements for him. He has a lot of difficulty holding down a job due to argumentative behavior or missing work. For the past two years, he has taken up smoking pot--a lot of it.  The pot smoking has limited his ability to get a job because he hasn't been able to pass a drug test. He is currently in a medical research facility (which is mandating sobriety).  He has been there for a couple of months.  I am realizing that my life is much calmer with him out of the house. I also have his younger sibling to think about. He will be released from the facility where he is currently staying in a couple of weeks. I am considering whether I should try to find a small apartment for him and pay his rent for him for 6 months while he gets on his feet. After that, he would be on his own. Has anyone else had to do this? I'd appreciate some feedback from family members who have already traveled this path.  Thanks in advance.  I'm happy to have found this group.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FindElaine]

Hi,

While my circumstances are not the same, we too have found that the house is a lot calmer without our daughter here.  We paid for her rent for 9 months and then told her she is on her own unless she goes back to school.  She had stopped talking to us but seems to be managing.  At some point they need to take responsibility for their own lives.

FindElaine

[By Still Water]

Hello MamaLlama,
   Welcome! This  idea often shows up, here. I so hope it works out for you. FindElaine, I’m so glad this is working for you.

[Sancho]

It seems to have worked for FindElaine. But it didn't in my case - just ended up very out of pocket and DD back here.

I wish I hadn't tried to set her up independently. I am much worse off financially because of it. Then again, it is only now that I am able to cope better with her in the house. I am not sure I would have coped all those years back, and that's why I tried the supported move.

So I think it depends on how you think your child will be able to cope budgeting, looking after the place etc. In my case all the 'pals' just used it as a place to crash and do drugs!

[Leaf56]

Knowing what I know now, I'd advise you to not pay for him to live anywhere else but tell him to move out and become entirely self-sufficient. I would also not co-sign a lease or be involved in any way in the process. Not sure where you live, but the best bet here in the U.S. is to become a roommate of someone who already has an apartment. He can try one of the many online sites for that.

[guiltymom]

Chiming in to say once again how comforting it is to read all the posts about the 20-something sons and daughters with BPD. I know we all handle things a bit differently, but it's still such a comfort to see we're all dealing with pretty much the same things—to help financially or not; to let them live with us or not; to disengage or not. I feel so bad about myself when I think about how much happier I am during periods of no contact, so it's great to hear others say that too. And oh yeah, the broken doorknobs mentioned in another thread. Thank you all.

[Sancho]

Agree guiltymom.