Wedding Anniversary During Separation

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My 23rd wedding anniversary is at the end of the month, and it has been an emotional rollercoaster thinking about how to handle that. This will likely (hopefully) be our final anniversary given that we are aiming to wrap up the divorce in January or February.

But I'm wrestling with whether to send a card and share anything with her. And if so, do I stick only to the benign, positive comments, or do I bring up the point of wishing she hadn't done some things that have damaged our ability to have a functional, sane separation and divorce process? The guide on escaping the "Victim Triangle" suggests adopting rational behavior while also demonstrating how irrational theirs has been, without stating it explicitly. I'm struggling with how to do that.

I figure I can be the nice guy, totally debunk her claim that "anger is who I am", but if I say that I've been reactionary because of her "stuff", does that validate her "angry" label? I'm inclined to simply say that I'd like to respect her wish that we be friends, but that right now that isn't an option because of the hurt inflicted from her actions and behaviors during this, and that I need time to heal from that. She's high-functioning enough, and highly empathic (according to her) that it seems she would be hard-pressed to see that as hostile. But this is the same woman that insisted I was helping her with her new house in order to point out all of the flaws, and thus criticize her and  her home. She seems rational, until she opens her mouth about anything involving the relationship.

[Crispy Waffle]

My 23rd wedding anniversary is at the end of the month, and it has been an emotional rollercoaster thinking about how to handle that. This will likely (hopefully) be our final anniversary given that we are aiming to wrap up the divorce in January or February.

But I'm wrestling with whether to send a card and share anything with her. And if so, do I stick only to the benign, positive comments, or do I bring up the point of wishing she hadn't done some things that have damaged our ability to have a functional, sane separation and divorce process? The guide on escaping the "Victim Triangle" suggests adopting rational behavior while also demonstrating how irrational theirs has been, without stating it explicitly. I'm struggling with how to do that.

I figure I can be the nice guy, totally debunk her claim that "anger is who I am", but if I say that I've been reactionary because of her "stuff", does that validate her "angry" label? I'm inclined to simply say that I'd like to respect her wish that we be friends, but that right now that isn't an option because of the hurt inflicted from her actions and behaviors during this, and that I need time to heal from that. She's high-functioning enough, and highly empathic (according to her) that it seems she would be hard-pressed to see that as hostile. But this is the same woman that insisted I was helping her with her new house in order to point out all of the flaws, and thus criticize her and  her home. She seems rational, until she opens her mouth about anything involving the relationship.

[MeandThee29]

I wouldn't send anything. You're a nice guy unto yourself. Don't try to prove that to her. Personally, I think the "Victim Triangle" is more for continuing relationships versus one that is broken and headed to an end.

I had an anniversary not after we separated where I was trying to be nostalgic in a positive way (we were trying to reconcile long distance), and he completely flipped it around and totally messed it up. I cried buckets and regretted trying to say anything at all. That was one of the many times that I thought, "It's over. I can't do this any more."

After that I just let them go by, especially during the divorce process and now closeout. There is zero chance that we'll be friends. My attorney said it was unlike any other he had ever had but definitely fell into the high conflict category which was his specialty.

I was naive enough early in the process to ask my attorney if his clients ever called off the divorce or later remarried. He smiled and said, "Yes, a few. But many find out what their spouse was all along."

I remembered that later.

[ForeverDad]

You're trying to be reasonably normal and considerate... with someone who isn't reasonably normal and considerate.  Since it's unlikely you know how to avoid being triggering — we can try not to trigger but too often despite our best efforts it's hit and miss — just let the anniversary slide by.  If she complains then you can say you didn't know what you should do.  Which is pretty much true.

True story... dateline 2008 a few days after the final decree and also a few days* after our wedding anniversary... For whatever reason my ex and I are on the phone, I'm driving and ex asks about the next court date.  We had just spent the past 23.5 months in a lengthy divorce struggle, mostly about custody.  I had weathered child abuse allegations made to CPS, 911, sheriff deputies, police, child therapists, court testimony, urgent care, hospital emergency department, regional abuse center, you name it, it happened.  Even an attempt to put me on Amber Alert!  So now it was finally over - until she violated the order within a month but silly me didn't know that yet.  I just replied "we're divorced already".  She then suggested I take her out to dinner to celebrate.  You can't make these things up.

* final decree was two days after our anniversary

Let me add a thought here.  The marriage was dysfunctional and unhealthy, perhaps even high conflict, because the relationship was such a close one.  With BPD the closer the relationship, the more evident the disorder is.  BPD is a disorder where the person won't or can't really listen to you, the person just sees the baggage of the relationship that hadn't been let go.  So just because you two aren't as close any more and the conflict seems to have faded some with the distance, that doesn't mean the person is better now.  Without serious long term therapy, the issues will resurface if you get back together.

[worriedStepmom]

My ex and i had an anniversary the month before our divorce was final.  We both ignored it.

when people ask me how long my first marriage lasted, I give them the number that is actual years - 1.  That last anniversary didn't count. The marriage was over.

[Crispy Waffle]

Forever Dad, I laughed a good bit at that story about taking her out to celebrate. And for the record, I'm not looking to reconcile; that ship sailed. I just keep thinking there's got to be some way to demonstrate that I'm not the heel that she insists I am. And then I realize that I'm thinking about this as if I were dealing with someone rational (with the help of folks here). Maybe I'll simply send the card with minimal thoughts. Or maybe send nothing at all.

Because she engaged in so much projection and insisted that I'm the one that "wanted her to get the hell out of my life" I feel compelled to demonstrate the reality of it all. But again, to what end? I guess it helps to just noodle through these thoughts with you fane folks here.

thanks, CW

(ugh - sidebar. I just realized that CW are the initials she has been using on her online dating profile since shortly after separating. Totally coincidental.)

[MeandThee29]

I just keep thinking there's got to be some way to demonstrate that I'm not the heel that she insists I am. And then I realize that I'm thinking about this as if I were dealing with someone rational (with the help of folks here).

Yes, I get it. I was talking with a close friend of mine not long ago about how much I had to uproot my schedule when I was married, and she said, "You realize that you were a decent spouse no matter what your ex said, and he was the complete opposite." She knows me well and gave me more examples.

Get feedback like that from honest, rational people, not your STBX.

[Crispy Waffle]

Yes, I get it. I was talking with a close friend of mine not long ago about how much I had to uproot my schedule when I was married, and she said, "You realize that you were a decent spouse no matter what your ex said, and he was the complete opposite." She knows me well and gave me more examples.

Get feedback like that from honest, rational people, not your STBX.

It's really not about the feedback. I've been getting that, and I am largely feeling good about myself through all of this, due in no small part to the fact that I've been doing a lot of work on myself. There are two main things I'm trying to accomplish:

1. Find a way to heal so that I don't hold so much resentment towards her for the tremendous damage she has done, especially during the separation (discarding, etc). I really hate holding that grudge, and feeling the physical response when I see her, here her, have to deal with her, etc. It sucks to have such animosity towards the person that you thought was your best friend for 20+ years.

2. This in turn would (ostensibly) allow us to have a smoother co-parenting relationship. I truly can't stand to have anything to do with her. I'm physically repulsed by the mere thought of her, so having to deal with her on matters related to our kids is not pleasant, to say the least.

I think I've come to realize that, barring her getting DBT she will never own her stuff, and thus never acknowledge the damage. So I have to just find a way to make peace with that regardless of her. It boils down to internal vs external locus of control. She has had control all along, and now I'm trying to figure out how to take that back.

[mart555]

Ignore it.  I wouldn't even mention it.  We're talking about BPD here, chances are it can turn explosive no matter what so might as well go for the path of least effort.

[ForeverDad]

I think I've come to realize that, barring her getting DBT she will never own her stuff, and thus never acknowledge the damage. So I have to just find a way to make peace with that regardless of her.

Actually, getting DBT is only the first step of the challenge.  Applying it in her life, perceptions and behaviors long term is the key to walking the path toward recovery.  Some members here reported their Ex had therapy but if all they did was go through the motions it really didn't change things.